


I Swear, It's Not What It Looks Like

by vibronium



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Iron Man - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Marvel Avengers Fusion, Angst with a Happy Ending, Avenger Sam Wilson, Awesome T'Challa, BAMF Natasha Romanov, Bisexual Steve Rogers, Blood and Violence, Bruce Banner Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Childhood Trauma, Clint and Sam are Bird Bros, Director Phil Coulson, F/M, Girl Power, Hydra (Marvel), M/M, MCU Characters Are Not Canon Ages, Major Character Injury, Marvel Universe, Nick Fury Knows All, Platonic Female/Male Relationships, Superfamily (Marvel), Thor Is Not Stupid, X-Men References
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-31
Updated: 2018-07-01
Packaged: 2018-08-12 03:14:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 49,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7918330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vibronium/pseuds/vibronium
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When you begin living with The Avengers, things tend to change a lot between them: team members are added, friends and enemies are made, violence and sarcasm are common coping mechanisms and, for some goddamn reason, Tony Stark won't stop playing One Direction at 4:20 in the morning.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

Honestly, if you wanted a nice, maybe calming tale about living with The Avengers A.K.A. sociopaths who act like they're between the ages of five and sixteen, you probably shouldn't even be attempting to read this at all.

One major reason for that is because they are exactly what I just described them to be (and just between you and me, the "geniuses" are always the worst).

There's plenty of other reasons but I guess that being able to join their fantasy league of spies, super-soldiers, bird lovers and scientists with more issues than Cosmopolitan is basically a dream come true but that's only if you love fighting people on a daily basis and spending your days wondering when Ex-Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. Nick Fury will call the so-called leader Tony Stark about why something catastrophic is going on in a foreign country and then threatening all The Avengers with obscene tortures if they don't fix it soon or mess up his life again. I, for one, am almost always involved in this and it's always the most fun I have other than the time I accidentally knocked out the ex-director and felt the wrath of the once dead Phil Coulson. 

Here's some fun facts though: Life as a spy for the now completely rebuilt S.H.I.E.L.D. is as easy as you think it'd be but if you add in the United States' number one line of defense against things from HYDRA trying to take over the world to the robot child of Stark and Banner who wants to restart the world over, things get even more interesting. I definitely have plenty of mixed feelings about my life but, as you all know, alternate universes exist and that leads to either more comments about me wanting to take the Glock 26 that's almost always in my hands and shoot myself in the head with it or living in a suburban neighborhood with my loser office manager husband and our two cats named Pork and Beans.

Luckily for me, neither of those will happen because my life rocks, regardless of the crippling anxiety of someone possibly trying to assassinate me 24/7. But I believe that I know the beloved Avengers fairly well by now but anyone other than the people who have spent more than three months with them doesn't. For example, some good ol' words of advice from Mister America himself: 

"Y/N, I swear to god, if you force me to read another one of your How To Kill A Man with some fucking useless body part books again, I will personally attempt to use them all on you in a goddamn heartbeat." Mind you, he said this while wearing a shirt saying 'Brooklyn Bitch' on it because four people in this building are actually funnier than what their Resting Bitch Face Syndrome gives off and considering those four people are Natasha Romanov, Clint Barton, James Buchanan Barnes and myself, we're fucking hilarious. I think I'm starting to get way too excited about telling human beings about my recent experiences but the beginning is the greatest place to start so I can make sure you get the full perspective of sharing a skyscraper with The Avengers for the past year.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so this is my first time ever writing (other than Wattpad, where almost everyone starts to ruin their lives) and writing anything MCU so i'm going to apologize ahead of the fact so that if this turns out to be total crap and everyone wants to put my head on a stick, ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> but i'm kind of thinking that this could be around ten to fifteen chapters so be prepared to deal with an overwhelming amount of angst, fluff and everything you might want to see.
> 
> updates will probably be around once every week or two, depending on school and how mentally stable i am tbh so i guess we'll see what happens.
> 
> hasta luego, my dudes!


	2. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song of the Chapter: G-Eazy- Lady Killers II (Christoph Andersson Remix)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the basis for the whole entire insert-your-name thing will be at the beginning notes of every chapter with the ones that are in it. it'll always be below whatever quick starting information or story that i write within the beginning note! 
> 
> \-----
> 
> (Y/N) = Your name.  
> (Y/L/N) = Your last name.  
> (Y/C/N) = Your code name.

After working for the CIA for a little over five and a half years, you begin to think that everything that happens on a daily basis there is as bad as it can get in the world. You start to wonder if you're technically a hero since you save lives on a daily basis. You tend to believe that all the terrorists and psychopaths are the worst ones in this universe and the government is what's really protecting us from everything. You'd believe it all if you're a normal human being, not someone like me who's convinced that the heroes I have always looked up to are out there in the world and doing their jobs.

But I highly suggest not thinking about all of that as you're walking into your extremely upscale and heavily armed facility because, chances are, you will therefore walk straight into your co-worker who never seems to be even ten percent calm.

"Oh my god, I'm sorry, Alex! I didn't mean to walk into you!" I say to the man whom I literally knocked the wind straight out of.

"Jesus Christ, Y/N, it's all good." Alex Garcia, my best friend, stumbles over the simplest of sentences whenever a female is within even ten feet of himself so I know that he's probably going to pull me aside later on and punch me in the arm all day long.

While thinking of the couple of years old John Cena meme, I ask the shaking man, "Are you sure about that?"

"Toootally! I'm super duper!" Alex sarcastically exclaims and I automatically flash him back an apologetic smile and speed walk away to escape anymore snide comments. As I walk into the main control room, the tech masterminds are busy typing and chatting away already at 0700 and I begin to believe that some people just aren't human. I pickup lots of conversations about how the "big boss" and "ex-big boss" is going to come here for the first time today because they're recruiting someone for a special team and, as any "agent" would assume, any guy like Alex or me is probably not going to be on it.

Once I finally get to my station by avoiding everyone who looks like they want to talk to me, the overwhelming fear of wondering who's been picked for the team and what the team is and what they do takes control of my mind for longer than it should have. My focus belongs on other topics. Regardless, my favorite part having to wake up at 05:30 has arrived: the head, not the "big boss", of our building, Joe Koenig, arriving, looking around the floor, screaming at everyone's least favorite goody-two-shoes Karol, saying his coffee is so cold and bitter that it's up to par with Natasha Romanoff. Every single morning this happens and it truly brings happiness to the cynical part of me.

But that solitary moment of peace and war is ended quite soon.

"Everybody listen up!" Koenig yells, "They're going to be here in less than ten minutes with the team to meet with their new recruit from our quarters so you all better have your lanyards and best faces on to represent us or I'll personally come after you one by one!"

I look down at the dark blue dress shirt and black skinny jeans I decided to dress myself in and realize I look professional enough that I most likely wouldn't be kicked out of here for wearing it but then regretting heels because of having to run around to scold people about anything from standing around and fantasizing about superheroes to bawling about how they don't want Mr. Koenig to murder them. It's a very diverse place.

But now the super-skilled team and their leaders have arrived and I'm not even thinking about raising my arms up because of how much I'm sweating. I try to straighten myself out and then head over to my office to return to my favorite past time, paperwork.

Lots of screaming and cheering seems to be going on but I don't have a clue who's out there and I have lots of unfriendly comrades so I make the smartest decision and stay inside to prevent Joe from having to fill out boatloads of paperwork about why one out of his six "agents" has been shot for trying to go to the break room.

And then, of course, Joe's outside of my door.

Waving him inside, I think about two out of the millions of outcomes that could possibly come from this: 1) I get shot by my boss instead of one my enemies or 2) I'm going to be fired in 0.2 seconds and have to live out on the frigid New York streets.

"Y/N, there's a couple of people here that would like to meet you." He surprises me with a content grin plastered on his worn face and then dragging me to the meeting room. A collective group of people have their backs turned from the door and are all having indistinct but lighthearted conversations like they've known each other for years upon. My heartbeat is erratic and I start to think about option number three: I'm going to be murdered by the nine people in this room.

Two men, one wearing a weathered black leather jacket and one with a gray dress shirt, spin around and cause the others' attention to falter to Koenig and me. In the matter of one heartbeat, mine stops all together.

Standing right in front of me are Nick Fury, Phil Coulson and the goddamn Avengers.

"Holy shit, holy _shit_." I say right in front of my heroes, who are somehow alive in this universe. "I'm so sorry, I need a minute to process things."

"That's fine, I was the same way when they asked me to join." Sam Wilson laughs and then stops to think. "Even though I am in the comics and everything..."

"Never mind him, they're all idiots in disguise," Nick Fury rolls his eye. "Leaving aside your and my knowledge, I'm still going to let everyone introduce themselves to you, have one or two of the team give you a tour of the S.H.I.E.L.D. Headquarters and get you all settled in here and the Avengers Tower."

"Wait, it actually exists? I've been right about way too many things about this all for it to be okay..." I say to myself but forget that there's ten other human beings in this space that are now probably regretting their decision.

Tony Stark chimes in, "Forget about all of that, it's even better in this universe than in any other but let's start with introductions! Ex-Director Fury, hit us up!"

"Every time you throw that label around, my hesitation to taser you while you're in your suit will decrease," He waves over to and glares at Tony as he blows him a kiss. "Obviously, that's Dumbfuck McGee."

"Hey, I take strong offense to that because of the fact that-"

"I don't _care_ , Stark," Fury changes his focus to someone who has more maturity than the so-called genius. "Take care of everyone and make sure he doesn't scare her off on the first day."

"Yes, sir." An incredibly attractive and built blond man (one out of three) responds back and, I swear to god, just looking at him makes me want to fight Hitler. Fury and Coulson leave the room to converse with Koenig about me so I'm left with seven highly trained and intelligent agents who could probably kill me by speaking at this point. "Now, to continue presentations, the name's Steve Rogers but my alter-ego, as one would say, is Captain America."

"You already know who I am but what the hell! Tony Stark A.K.A. Iron Man: genius, billionaire, playboy, philan-"

"Do you have a speech memorized for whenever someone asks you who you think you are?" Steve remarks, irritation laced within his words. "Because I swear I've heard you say that before."

"As a matter of fact, Cap, I do. Would you all like to hear it?"

"I'll speak for all of us and say that I would rather stab myself in the neck." A flame-haired woman states from the corner and moves closer to me, watching carefully. "Natasha Romanoff; Alias: Black Widow, for your convenience."

Another voice from the corner speaks, distant but full of warmth and pain, "I'm Dr. Bruce Banner but everyone really knows me for the Hulk." My heart always breaks for this man, considering he deserves more recognition and love in any universe. I really want to give him a hug. He really needs a hug.

The only one out of all eight of them sitting at the conference table turns his fair head (two out of three) to me and talks with a mouth full of apple, "Agent Clint Barton but I'm also known as Hawkeye, Arrow Guy, Super Awesome and Hot Sharpshooter Man-"

"There is absolutely no one who calls you that and if they did, I would've killed them by now." Natasha rolls her eyes.

"Aw, Nat, how sweet of you! Stalking my fans," Clint gushes as he takes a bow. "Killing the creepy ones! What a pal!" I honestly didn't know what I was expecting from this meeting but the fact that my personality is basically identical to everyone, even Mister All-American Ass, is quite unnerving. It makes me slightly more comfortable and realize that what I do is done by plenty of different kinds of people and not just the kids who would be in the back of the classroom and never get picked for any of the class bonding games.

"Let us be honest here: the only one with true fans would be me," With long golden hair (three out of three), the stature of a god and his rectitude beaming from his smile, there's only one man who he could be. "I am Thor, son of Odin and prince of Asgard. It is a pleasure to meet you."

"Goddamn it, there's no way I can top that without saying something about my wings..." His laugh is almost identical to the one from before, lighthearted and full of vivacity. "But Sam Wilson, the Falcon."

My heart rate still hasn't settled 100% of the way but it's fine considering I don't think I'm going to have to fight any aliens in the next couple of minutes. Looking around the room at the seven luminaries surrounding me, I take a deep breath and start to speak but, of course, Koenig bursts into the room with Fury and Coulson. He looks mildly shaken but that's the normal look on his face about 75% of the time.

"I'm assuming you've all introduced yourself to her but she hasn't spoken to you." All seven heads nod. "Regardless of that, this is Agent Y/N Y/L/N but is also referred to as Y/C/N. As far as Coulson and I are concerned, she will be staying and working along with you all for as long as we want her to but the minimum is a year. You all will be able to gain information about Miss Y/L/N as soon as possible but, for now, I need Agent Romanoff and Barton to show her around HQ. For the rest of you, take care of the tower because I know it looks like New York after a visit from Loki."

The team splits up directly but Natasha and Clint stick by my side and guide me to wherever we're going. Our footsteps echo down the hallway and cause the ones who see us to stare and whisper about how I'm the new member of the special team, the Avengers. The silence between the three of us is deafening and it looks like Clint's about to pass out from holding his breath.

"So, you don't talk much, do you?" He breaks the stillness and heaves air into his lungs. "Sorry, I had to get that out."

"It's completely fine," I suppressed a nervous giggle. "But I actually talk quite a bit, ask Agent Garcia. I'm just shocked and high-strung, to say the least."

"I'd ask why you're nervous but I know why," Natasha adds, monotonously. "There's no need for you to be though: we're just doing our jobs. "

"Finding out that your heroes are actually alive and that you're going to be working with them is a really big surprise, you know," I answer. "But I'll be fine though, I've met celebrities before."

"Like who?" If I've learned anything in the past thirty minutes, it's that everything is not what it ever seems and Clint Barton 1) asks a lot of questions and 2) carries an alarming amount of fruit in the pockets of his S.H.I.E.L.D. jacket. This time it's an unlucky orange that is torn apart by his skilled fingers. "Honestly, who's cooler than us?"

"I met Harry Styles at a Starbucks." I exploded with laughter but kept on following Natasha as Clint dropped his orange onto the concrete ground, mouth wide open and switching back and forth from staring at his ruined fruit to me.

"Are we leaving him behind? Where are we going?" I ask Natasha too many questions, feeling guilty about doing so.

"Yes but he'll be there before us and we're going on your first Quinjet ride," She replies, directing me to the supposedly secret landing pod we have for our jets. "And don't say you're sorry for asking questions, there's a lot you'll need to find out but that will all be later on."

"Alright, but I just don't know why I was chosen for the team..." Climbing into the aircraft, all of my inquiries about it are answered all at once. It looks like what it's depicted as in the movies, comics, everything really, but it's also incredibly different. It looks the same but it feels different because it's real.

This is probably the best day of my entire life.

"Like I said, you'll have a chance to get everything answered later on but we need to start figuring out your skills, other than Koenig has told us already, so you're first test is figuring out and flying the Quinjet back to the tower." A shaky breath leaves my lips as I climb into the only seat in the cockpit and try to examine the dashboard to turn the damn thing on. Natasha starts to chuckle slightly, causing me to think that this was all a set up and the hosts of Pranked are going to pop out any second.

"I'm kidding, I'm not going to do that to you right now," She stifles a giggle but sets the cloaking panels on, gets us up off the ground and in the air in the matter of seconds. The streets from this high above look like dystopian murals, the buildings like paint brushes creating the art. Natasha points to the tallest building in Manhattan, implying that it's the tower. "I'm flying us home tonight, obviously, but you're going to have to learn how to do this at some point, just a forewarning."

There's quiet other than the hum of the engine and wind outside rattling the camouflaged aircraft until she starts to lower us down until we've settled on the landing pad. "Here we are, home sweet something... Now, I don't know if the boys have straightened up or not but we'll get it everything figured out inside."

We strut inside once Natasha scans her Avengers I.D. and see the living space to be immaculate other than six fully grown men either playing Mario Kart or arguing about whose snacks are whose. She clears her throat loud enough to get them all to pause and stand up like soldiers, most likely out of fear of the woman who's only five foot seven compared to their six foot and above. Tony shows me around every floor of his skyscraper, never forgetting to mention how his incredible engineering has prevented it from falling over during the Chitauri attack. Each member of the Avengers has their own floor other than Steve & Sam and Clint & Natasha. The entire place looks like the superheroes and who they are on the inside, which makes it feel like home.

Once we get back to the main floor and settle onto the couches or floor, another head is added to the mix by the elevator doors opening, revealing a rugged brunet man with a metal arm, faintly sprinkled with blood.

The ever-so-famous Bucky Barnes.

"Well, that's definitely an entrance." Bruce Banner mutters, causing Sam and Clint to be in stitches.

"Sorry I'm late, apparently Hydra agents don't take the ghost story coming back to haunt them lightly," He runs his silver fingers through his tangled hair and then lays his eyes on me. "And who's this?"

I walk over to him, shoulders stiff and head high with a smirk plastered on, "Y/N Y/L/N but I'm also known as Y/C/N. I've been chosen by Director Coulson and Ex-Director Fury to join the Avengers."

One key that every woman should know: confidence will either terrify or arouse a man and, no matter what, either will work for blackmail, bribery or anything within reason. The eight men standing in the room are tense, striving to hinder any emotion from being shown on their face or in their body language. It's a simple yet effective trick you learn after spending your childhood admiring a Russian spy and then following her footsteps voluntarily. I may seem like I'm not who I'm supposed to be for them right now but I'm just really good at what I do and I like to show off sometimes.

"It's a pleasure to meet and be working with you, Miss Y/L/N." Bucky's blue eyes shine with a hint of happiness and freedom, something the man never seemed to have in any universe.

"Now that everybody's here, let's figure out where Super Spy #3 is going to be staying," Tony raises an eyebrow and begins to inspect his teammates. "Bird Man #2 and Steve are already bunking together so they're out; same with Super Spy #1 and Bird Man #1. Bruce likes to be alone and Thor has a portal to another dimension in his bathroom so they're off the list too... So unless you wanna bunk with Pepper and I, you-"

"She can stay on my floor," Bucky interjected and cocks his head to face me. "That's if you want to. I have too many empty rooms and it's awfully quiet with Cap being two floors below."

"I would definitely much rather stay with you. I don't think I want to hear Pepper and Tony fighting all night long." I remark, accomplishing my goal of making them all laugh in the first twenty-four hours.

"Welcome to the family, Y/N," Steve sets one hand on my left shoulder while Bucky rests his arm on my other and smiles brighter than the sun as everyone else surrounds me. "It's crazy but it's home."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i probably should explain two things considering it may confuse or anger everyone if i don't:
> 
> 1) this entire plot and universe is different in the fact that there was no huge Civil War but Zemo did mess some things up and Tony does know about everything that happened between Bucky and the past. there's not a lot of angst between them all but lots of sarcasm about how Bucky almost killed Steve, Sam and Nat. how fun!
> 
> 2) the universe this is in can be any that you want it to be but there's certain things that don't/won't happen because of what i have planned. in that case, this universe is really just a lot happier because these poor beings don't deserve to suffer all of the time jFC
> 
> anyways, hasta luego, my dudes!!


	3. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song of the Chapter: Rooney- When Did Your Heart Go Missing?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> everything i wanna say is at the end lmao
> 
> \-----
> 
> (Y/N) = Your name.  
> (Y/F/C) = Your favorite color.  
> (Y/N/N) = Your nickname.  
> (Y/L/N) = Your last name.

"So, let's see what you can do," Steve says to me as all nine of us walk towards the combined gym and training center. "It won't be anything too big but just make sure you don't push yourself too hard. Can't risk the newest member on their first real day."

Everyone walks with their shoulders stiff and lips pressed in a hard line, no unimportant words being spoken and business being all of our main priority.

"What we'll be testing, Y/N, is your cardiovascular, muscular and neural health, along with your strength, speed, power, agility, balance and flexibility." Natasha looks up from her tablet where she's conversing with Fury as she directs me into the gym and everybody else into the observation room. I don't know why they have one but I'm pretty sure I don't want to anyway. "We'll evaluate all of that within a series of exercises and then a sparring session between you, Clint and Sam. Sound alright, Nick?"

" _No matter what, it's still Director Fury to all of you,_ " Fury retorts, kindling a spark of chuckles between us all. " _But get on with it. I have other important things to deal with. Fury out._ "

"Alright, what's up first?" I ask while stretching my quadriceps. Technicality is essential.

"Treadmill until your heart stops beating but here's something from the world's favorite mastermind," Tony walks over to me and holds an ebony and Y/F/C-colored creation out towards me. "But who is that, you ask? Is it moi?"

"Stop being so damn theatrical." Sam snatches it out of Tony's palm and attaches it to my wrist. "It's a fitness monitor and intercom between all of us. We all have one that goes along to our suits so this one must give you a hint to what yours is like."

"Wait, you already have a-" I start to inquire but I'm cut off by a large horn blaring through the gym, echoing in every corner.

"Let's get started!" Clint steals the show and managed to piss us all off in 0.2 seconds. "Are you ready?"

"No... Not like I ever will be either." I mutter underneath my breath but step onto the treadmill.

A rich voice comes out of the watch, " _Heard that._ "

"Jesus Christ, Bucky." The machine starts up slowly and keeps me at a steady jog.

As any exercise device goes, it goes faster and gets harder the longer you go. After forty-five minutes of me basically sprinting at the end, Bruce slows it down until I finally stop.

"You did a pretty great job for someone who's not human or genetically modified in anyway possible, which is half of us." Bruce types some data into his laptop and looks over to Steve for reassurance. "Take a quick break and then we'll get back into it."

After that, the activities fluctuate difficulty. For two and a half hours, I get the next couple of tests are completed and I'm surprised I have passed out yet because, at this point, I can feel the blood coursing through my veins and my pulse matching perfectly with the music playing in the background. It's still slightly unsettling to have eight Avengers staring at me but it only makes want to push myself harder and do the best I can to prove myself. (Now that's some advice for everybody.)

"Alright, take a fifteen minute breather and then be prepared to go against Sammy and me." Clint nudges my shoulder and then skips off to pester Natasha with questions about me. She stands next to him and watches his face as he reacts to my info on the screen in her hands; It's awfully cute how they are around each other.

It's obvious that surveying is a normal activity for them but adding a new member isn't. They're satisfied with an inexperienced Avenger but worried because another life to worry about is in the mix. Body language isn't hard to read.

"Let's do this!" Sam cracks his knuckles and Clint stretches his shoulders, both looking complacent.

I say nothing but cast a quick smirk to the men and stand on the opposite side of the gym.

" _Mister Stark wanted me to explain that the only two rules for this sparring session are that there are to be no weapons used at all and once your opponent pins you on the floor for over five seconds, you are out. Also, no boots or heels._ " F.R.I.D.A.Y. says, the A.I.'s flat voice pouring through the speakers in the ceiling. " _Mister Wilson, Mister Barton and Miss Y/L/N, are you ready?"_

Our heads nod and the horn sounds, hinting for us all to begin our battle. I take a half-second glance at the electronic clock on the wall that says 04:19 PM and I know this will hopefully take two and a half minutes at most.

Sam and I charge at each other while Clint leans on the wall for now. Sam throws his fist at me first, aiming for my jawline but I quickly slide in between his legs, and end up on the opposite side of the gym by Clint.

I wave to him as Sam darts back at me again. I run as well and flip forwards onto my hands and kick him in the chest with all the force in my legs, making him fall onto the ground with a thud.

He softly groans and the horn sounds again, marking Sam's disqualification.

My feet are beside his torso so I move instantly to prevent Sam from pulling me down with him. I can hear soft whispers coming from the room and Thor's booming laugh directed at him.

Both make me feel better about everything that'll be going down.

I notice Clint rushing towards me now so I immediately block my chest and face. Those are the two main points he goes for in hand to hand combat, just for your information.

He swings anyways and I prepare for the blow but Clint wraps his hands around my wrists and tries to kick my feet in. I use his upper-body strength to pull me up and wrap my cnemides (my calves, etc.) around his neck, resulting in a limited view and breathing for him.

Using all my force to flip him over, I pull my hands out of his clutch and flip backwards onto my feet. I instantly sidekick Clint's left knee in and he goes down hard because the patella is a horrible place to have a large amount of force installed for anyone.

The buzzer sounds again, signaling my win.

I look up at the clock and it says exactly 4:20. I smile to myself because the little victories are the biggest to me. The two bird-named men are just getting off the floor as the others pile out of the watching room. Thor rushes into me and bestows upon me the biggest bear hug I have ever received while the others circle around us. He lets go but puts an apologetic hand on my right bicep.

"I am sorry, it is not every day where you see a warrior as mighty as the Black Widow or Lady Sif." Thor flashes a gentle smile that complements his minor blush. "Aye, Natasha, what does this make of her?"

"Well, I'd have to say that this makes her more than adequate to be an Avenger, considering she kicked two of their asses at the same time in under two minutes." Her wine-colored lips turn up in a smile as Sam continues to lay on the ground in defeat.

"I have never seen someone do something like that," Sam mutters with his face pressed into the floor. "You gotta teach me how to do that."

Clint took Bruce's hand as he struggled his way to his feet. "I would have totally won if I had my bow and if I wasn't getting so old..."

"You know, 45 is almost half of Buck's and my age." Steve remarked and Bucky nodded his head in agreement. "You're pretty young if you ask me."

"YOU BOTH WERE FROZEN FOR SEVENTY OF YOUR 99! PLUS, YOU STILL LOOK LIKE YOU'RE TWENTY!" An uproar of hysterics explodes through the room and their family inside jokes has another one in the collection.

We all walk to the living space and spread out to do our own things: Steve and Sam start to talk about their war stories while Tony opens a bottle of scotch and pours himself double for his troubles, Thor lets Bruce study Mjölnir from afar, Clint tries to sneak out his miniature crossbow set he got himself for Christmas but Natasha has all the bows in her hand before he knows it, and Bucky sits on the floor while watching videos of cats.

I part from the group and walk into my personal bathroom, double-checking that there's no one else near. I pull off my sweat-soaked clothing and walk into the already started bath because F.R.I.D.A.Y. is amazing. The first thoughts in my mind are about what I should make everyone for dinner because if you think you can't please 'em, just feed 'em.

Natasha, Steve, Thor and I are all health-nuts while the rest are the complete opposite in that department so I basically need something that won't kill either of the extremes.

I turn the shower off and settle on some type of casserole that's chaotic neutral in a sense.

In the twelve minutes that I was gone, everything has toned down to the entire team either being asleep on the floor or couches and the A.I.'s watching over them like guardian angels. I decide to write a small note about how I'm going to the store that's literally one building over and that I'll be making dinner for us all tonight. I press the button on the wall for the elevator to come until I notice a flame-colored head poke up from the couch.

Natasha's the only Avenger other than me who is awake with Clint's entire torso is covering her lap as she's running her hands through his golden hair. She looks over to me and nods for me to go out the door, serenity all around the room.

The elevator dings as it opens and, all the way from where the elevator is, I can tell that the streets are filled: tourists, heartbreakers, lost souls, families of all kinds and the city's favorite clichés. I add myself into the mix and make the treacherous five-foot jaunt into the grocery store.

It only takes me ten minutes to grab everything I need to make supper and check out but, right as I start to leave the store, a hooded lanky man runs into me, tries to knock my stuff out of my hands and then stops immediately to talk to me.

"I'm so sorry, I honestly didn't mean to run into you..." The man wraps a gaunt hand around my forearm and his hood falls, showing his face. "Y/N? Is that really you?"

I choke back a cry of shock and fear, too many emotions already.

The second person on the list of people I never wanted to see again had to show up during the best days of my life. Literally the only guy who ever told me about his feelings and wanted something with me. My lovely ex-boyfriend from thirteen years ago who scares the everliving shit out of me.

"Brandon?" I paint on a grin and put on a persona of contentment. "It's been so long."

"Yeah, it really has," He runs a hand through his charcoal hair. "You look fantastic! How are you?"

"I'm alright, you?" My stomach churns with the feeling of anxiety fusing together with my eternal angst.

"I'm great now that I've seen you," Brandon chuckles as he shoves his hands into the pockets of his worn-down jeans. "What's it been? Ten years since we graduated?"

"Yeah, it has been too long..." I clear my throat to break the moment of silence between us and start to walk away. "Listen, I really have to go, sorry. Bye."

"Okay, see you later?" His voice is laced with confusion as I rush past him to get lost in the crowd outside and hide from him.

The reason Brandon scares me more than anything is the fact that he's never given up on trying to get back with me. We had a year long relationship in our freshman year of high school and it was nice when we both were happy. Apparently trying to fix everything you mess up in a month by breaking up with the person who's making you chronically depressed leads to his destruction of conscience and loss of sociability, making you the villain and him the victim. He said he would do anything for me, kill someone if it came down to it and that is a Grade A sign for a sociopath.

But there's better things to talk about rather than my life story so I'd rather not indulge just yet.

I run into the Avengers tower and tell F.R.I.D.A.Y. to lock the doors behind me immediately with the bracelet from Tony. Rushing over to the nearest solitary security computer, I look for the recent security tapes from a minute ago. I scan the video for any sign of Brandon following me but it checks out.

Things are okay for now.

I get upstairs and one by one, the Avengers wake up from their naps and groggily take up helping me with cooking. It's heartwarming to find out that these people never stop serving and protecting humanity. I want whoever is left when I pass away to be able to say that I dedicated my life to aiding civilians and celebrities, all of mankind. The compassion within the octet of heroes all around me is astounding. With all of the heartache and emotional traumas they've faced, none of them have turned them into villains or isolated assholes. They break the stereotypes and the roles that were set upon them in the movies and comics because they're exactly like themselves but they're also not. You couldn't convince teenager me that Tony Stark and Bucky Barnes were villains but if you tried to today, I wouldn't even apologize for my actions. These individuals are the best in the damn universe if I have a say in anything.

"Oh, probably should have mentioned this earlier but the two and a half other members are returning to party with us tonight," Tony's voice pops up while taking an raw noodle from the box. "You know, Peeper Potts from a meeting and Vision and Wanda from their mission."

"1) We're not going to party tonight because we have a mission tomorrow and 2) that is the absolute worst pet name I have ever heard." Bucky utters above his breath and slaps Steve's hand away when he tries to take a carrot stick.

"C'mon, Bucko, own up to the fact that you adore my nicknames."

"I'd rather have two metal arms than admit that," Bucky grabs one of the knives on the counter and flips it around in her hand like a toy. "Do you mind blood on the marble floor?"

"I most certainly _do_ mind." Tony rips off his sunglasses (he explained that he wears them inside because he's 'so hot that they protect his eyes from his reflection' and grabs the blade's hilt "Hey, Y/N/N, is dinner almost done?"

"Never call me that again and it's actually done now so please step away from the oven."

"I love it when you talk all professional to me."

"Tell that to Peeper."

I roll my eyes as I take the casserole out and as the expected company arrives. The atmosphere gets even more domestic as everyone greets each other with bear hugs, handshakes, and kisses on cheeks. The smiles upon faces are embers that warm up every corner of the room and the sheer euphoria is refreshing next to the hardness of my agency.

After being introduced to everyone, supper is devoured and the festivities begin.

I sit down on the ground beside Bucky and mess around by playing footsie with him for hours. All sorts of Stark's exorbitant alcohol is served (even though it doesn't work on gods, super-soldiers and Russians) and we all stay up into the twilight, talking about conspiracy theories and sharing humiliating but hilarious tales from operations, days off, and the past. No one ends up smashed from all the booze that's in our systems but the spirits are high regardless. I must have ended up falling asleep because I woke up on Bucky and I's couch with a large sweater on and an almost illegible note on the coffee table in front of me.

_Went out for a run, back around 8._

_Mission prep @ S.H.I.E.L.D. Headquarters around 9:00, be ready._

_-Buck_

A sudden rush of elation flows through my body as it's only 7:30, leaving me enough time to meet up with Natasha about my old gear, my new suit, and get everything situated for my first mission as an Avenger.

But that doesn't last because F.R.I.D.A.Y.'s animatronic voice, loud and deadpan as per the usual, shakes me out of my haze.

" _Miss Y/L/N, there is someone here that says they know you and would like to have a word with you._ "

I mentally groan as I strut to the kitchen counter where Bucky left a pot of coffee out, "Can you tell me who it is?"

" _They say their name is Brandon but they did not disclose their last name._ "

The mug wrapped in my hands drops to the floor, the coffee burning my legs is nothing to the gelid fear taking over my mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lots and lots of fluff within the Avengers Tower in this chapter! it always makes me happy when my loves are happy so i'm gonna make you guys happy with this too!!! \\(◕‿◕✿)/
> 
> (plus, sad chapters will be coming up around chapter five so y'all better be prepared)
> 
> also, quick note: the twenty one pilots cover of cancer by mcr is kILLINH ME????? TF???????? I THOUGHT I WASNT EMO ANYMORE??????? im so sorry 
> 
> as always, hasta luego, my dudes!


	4. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song of the Chapter: Fukkit- 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the song for this chapter is so lit and you should really listen to it!!!
> 
> \---
> 
> (Y/N) = Your name.
> 
> (Y/L/N) = Your last name.
> 
> (Y/F/C) = Your favorite color.
> 
> (Y/C/N) = Your codename.

" _I must apologize to you, Miss Y/L/N_ ," F.R.I.D.A.Y.'s voice is filled with atonement. " _It seems that it was only your friend, Alexander Garcia, playing a prank._ "

A breath of relief escaped my lips as I jogged to the lift, already cursing Alex out in my head. I don't know why he decided to pull a trick like that and how he managed to get the information of where I'm staying and figure out which tower was the one. Considering the man would get lost trying to find my apartment that was only on the 5th floor. Speaking of my flat, I still have plenty of questions about what happened to my old life... But I step out to see Alex leaning on a wall with his hands holding two steaming cups of coffee.

"What's up, bugger?" He smiles into the perpetual nickname that he's used for years. The short story of its origin is that my chronic resting bitch face has led Alex to believe that there's a stick up my ass (not true) and I'm always pissed (very true). It's sentimental until you read the many definitions on Google and realize that outsiders could be thinking about it the wrong way when they hear it.

"Wanting to kill you," I start caustic but my excitement is far too strong for me to contain. "But I have my first mission with the team today."

"Don't say that because I know you could," Alex takes a swig of his latte and recoils because of the heat. "I still can't believe you're working with the Aven-"

"Nope, let's go upstairs and talk. More privacy and... Stuff." Grabbing Alex's free hand, I bolted us all the way up to the upper living room. Caution is necessary in this job but Alex has no filter whatsoever. I don't even want to think about the wrath I could possibly face from both Coulson and Fury if the fact that the Avengers actually exist comes out to the public because of the idiot next to me.

"You know, you could have just told me that I can't have the A-word and you in the same sentence," Alex rolls his eyes as he falls onto the couch beside him. All of the Avengers are preparing for the mission later this morning and that reminds me that I also need to start assembling all of my gear and meet Natasha. I start to stare at the wall, making a list in my head, but he notices immediately. "You have to go, don't you?"

I run a hand through my cropped hair. "It starts in an hour."

"And you didn't even tell me..."

"I drank a lot last night! And I couldn't think straight!"

"That is an absolute and horrible lie because you hold liquor better than my dad, Y/N. You're basically Russian." That creates a roar of laughter to erupt from my chest. Other than being a technology genius, Alex is definitely the most hilarious person that I know. "But I'll go even though I just got here. I even bought you coffee and that's considering splurging on myself."

"We can do something when I get back," I point him over to the elevator we had just exited and gradually stroll towards it. "Whether it's tomorrow or later tonight, I'll even message you."

Alex moves into the corner of the contraption and flipped me off out of his never-ending fondness. The metal doors shut and he returns to his daily schedule of God knows what, leaving me with a little under two hours to get situated and at the S.H.I.E.L.D. Headquarters. I take one look out at the Manhattan skyline and make my way to the place Natasha told me to meet her. Supposedly it's only down the street but, with New York and it's labyrinth of streets, a store that's only five kilometers away could end up being a twenty minute search for justice.

Walking into the warehouse she sent me to, my footsteps echo and it feels more abandoned than how it looks. The incessant amount of shelves are empty but coated in an ashen layer of grime and all of the windows are covered in steel sheets, showing the years of vacancy. I lighten my feet and keep my fingers close to my handgun, in case this is some sort of test against me.

From behind, a quiet footstep sounds and I spin around instantly with my gun in hand.

"I really hate wearing sneakers. Less weight in them, throws me off." Of course, it's only Natasha. I lower my weapon and follow her silent path to a concrete wall that probably leads to something S.H.I.E.L.D. associated: A secret station? A secret lounging area? All I know is that it's definitely something secretive. She presses a singular block and the whole wall morphs into glass, displaying everything on the other side.

"Boots are the best for stealth, in my opinion." I state as I walk into the room, awestruck.

"This is the mission preparation bunker, specifically given to us by S.H.I.E.L.D. It has multitudes of every type of gun, knife, and toy. Unless you want another one of Cap's shield or Mjölnir. We can't help you there." I'm pushed me onto a circular platform that illuminates beneath my toes and millions of intricate blue lights tie themselves around me. The beams spin and move all around but order is still there. "Don't freak out, I'm just checking your measurements to make sure they're all correct."

"I'm not going to freak out."

"You already are," Her tinted lips turn up slightly and she shook her head. "You're a lot like Clint."

"That's a bad thing, right? I feel like I should be more like myself than anyone." The freckles of light from the machine fade away and a layout of my body appears on the screen across from me. Natasha starts typing in characters and selecting certain photographs, causing her to furrow her eyebrows in concentration. Other than the hum of the machines and the sound of her fingers fluttering on the keyboard, there's a silence between us that is both comfortable and calming.

"You know what I meant but you're definitely more you than someone else," She wipes away everything on her screen and heads into another dim chamber, I follow not too far behind. This separate room has racks of suits and gear, ranging from boundless shades and quality. The idea of breaking off from Natasha to scope all of the items in here seems like a fantastic idea to me but distraction never helps.

She heads to the back of the room and opens a hatch, pulling out a Y/F/C and charcoal jumpsuit. If I was in a story, this would be symbolism of my accomplishments. Natasha leans on a banister next to what comes off as a locker room and speaks through her grin, "Your official Avengers outfit. I added some things into it that I'll tell you about once you get it on."

I jump into the suit (ha!) and stare at myself in the tilted and chipped mirror across from me. The material hugs my body, has a slight weight to it that makes me ecstatic, and is still flexible and durable. I pull on a pair of black boots that match Natasha's from a couple days before. Walking out, she's all dressed up in her get-up, everything fully loaded. She's holding up two thigh holsters and has my beloved handhelds, a custom tactical belt, and plenty of weapons laid out on the concrete ground. She explains that the suit is laced with 

"You look hot and dangerous," Natasha hands me all of what she's chosen and sighs contentedly at my appearance. "Let's go kick some ass."

The meeting area for this assignment is a floor above us, reminding me that I need to pay more attention to everything again. All of the Avengers are in the office, ready to get prepared for battle. The chatter amidst them is focused on bullying Tony for saying that Harry Styles is too pretty for this universe, which is something I wholeheartedly agree with him on but I'm worried why we're still talking about him. Natasha walks in first and presents the fully-loaded version of me to the group, producing an instant taciturnity with someone cursing beneath their breath.

Steve is the first one to break the ten seconds of quietude with his leader speech. "Good to see you're ready, Y/N. Let's go."

Director Coulson explains everything for us in graphic detail: It's a quick and easy sanction and extraction if everything goes as planned but nothing ever does. There's a ex-Hydra station located in the middle of Pennsylvania that's been stockpiling weapons. He believes that there's a new leader of Hydra and that something detrimental is going to happen if we don't acquire the weaponry and stop whoever is awakening Hydra's short-lived slumber. Fury says that, much to Tony's disappointment, Cap is delivering the information about partners and jobs but that'll be on the Quinjet ride.

"It shouldn't take you all longer than thirty-eight hours to collect most of the weapons and rid the base of all Hydra operatives." Nick stands beside Coulson, both straight-faced and rigid. "We'll be standing by until you come back into this warehouse with what we need. All dismissed, Y/L/N stay for a word."

The room is emptier with ten people following Clint to the larger Quinjet we'll be using. I'm standing in front of the two main men, their eyes scrutinizing my form.

"We know this is your first mission with the Avengers but it's also the first test we'll be giving you. We presume that you have accomplished much more difficult assignments in your past and you have skills that neither of us have seen before but you're very young. What you're getting into," Phil sighs as he looks up at Nick with a heartbreaking stare. "It's not easy to get out of."

"With all do respect, sirs," My words are filled with pride and fulfillment as I move closer to the towering men. "I signed up for the CIA for a reason: to help the world and be alike my heroes. Now, I have the chance to work beside them and save the world- I'm not giving that up anytime in the near future."

"Get to work, Agent Y/L/N, we need you on the field." Fury's stone-cold voice cuts into the air but he's just pushing off feelings that he pretends not to have. It's a common tactic that spies learn; it's not healthy but it helps to get the job done quick and easy. I cast Phil and Fury a small grin and run to the Quinjet, ready to prove more of my abilities to the group and kick some Hydra asses to the ground. It's the little things.

I take the seat separating Bucky and Sam to prevent any trifling between them and wait for Steve to start speaking. Everyone is already geared up, helmets and all, so Cap's leadership speech will be hard to focus on. Natasha lifts us off the ground as Steve takes his center stage role.

"Fury and Coulson have chosen the tasks according to everyone's specific skill set: Sam, Thor, Vision, Wanda and I will take care of the perimeter and make sure no Hydra agent gets in or out; Tony, you and Bruce will man the heavy duty science needed for transporting the machines; Natasha and Clint, you two will scan the lower two floors for weapons and the leader of the base; Y/N and Buck, you'll be doing the same but on the upper two. Everything clear?"

"Yes, sir!" The suit makes it difficult for Tony to salute him properly but he manages.

The scowl that falls onto Steve's face is fabricated, his raised eyebrow a sign of his amusement. The ride to Pennsylvania is only a couple of hours long so the time is occupied by horrific jokes falling off tongues and more tales being told. Some fall into a slumber, blocking out the nuisances to the possible tranquility. I stay to myself, listening partly but fight sequences are playing through my mind, anticipating the worst that could happen. I'll have the Winter Soldier by my side but this is Hydra we're walking into: hellfire that's multiplied by a hundred with thousands of demons following Satan's command and we don't know who Satan is.

My notions are interrupted by Bucky faintly asking, "You okay?"

"I'm fine," I shrug my shoulders and fiddle with the joints in my fingers. "Pre-mission jitters."

"You'll be with me, you got nothin' to worry about." He flashes a smirk and returns his focus to his conversation with Steve and Clint.

Natasha announces that we'll be there in about five minutes so everything has to be set. The tension rises as we stretch ourselves out and finish any last minute preparations. I check one last time to make sure I have my all of my weapons as we land, controlling my heart rate with organized breathing and letting my face rest. The Pennsylvanian land is filled with plentiful mountains and multicolored trees but there's an awkward loss of them about twenty kilometers in front of us.

Natasha cloaks the jet as we all start the journey to the base, all of our footsteps descending at the same time. We walk in a formation that shows us as one brute force not be reckoned with. As a team. There's small figures ahead in black kevlar suits, protecting the station and whatever is inside of it.

Steve leads and reminds us all, "Remember, if any of you need backup or extraction, just use the bracelets."

"They are not bracelets! They're-" Tony's accusation was cut off by an arrow flying right in front of his masked face. "What the hell?"

Clint nods to the Hydra agents charging towards us but are instantly submerged in the explosion from his arrow. Our pace is picked up as we rush into battle, metal clashing and guns firing. The six of us who have to get inside run past the others and fight tooth and nail to make our way into the building. All of our fires at the enemy have the preciseness of repetition, knocking them down eternally every time.

Clint signs hand signals that I still have to learn but Natasha translates it, "Go upstairs and do what you have to do to get the job done ASAP."

We start the climb to the first of the two floors of ours until Bucky stands still for a moment, holding his arm out to stop me as well. "There's four men on the first, two on the second. All in protective gear and heavily armed."

"And how are you sure of that?" I cross my arms as I whisper, trying to prevent any sudden tragedy from occurring.

"Because I still have all of my skills and the floors are thinner than the soundproof walls," He started moving again with a smirk sown into his lips. "You'd know that if you paid attention in your spy school."

"Well, Mister Barnes, I would have heard everything if it wasn't for your huge ass Godzilla feet and the boots you managed to fit over them."

"My what now?"

I snuck past the ex-soldier and shook my head, "Never mind, you wouldn't get it... Pop culture reference."

"Golly! I'm ninety-nine years old! I don't even know what that thingamajig you call a cellular device is!" Bucky slaps his metal palm onto his left breast in a fit of laughter, leaning back and ignoring the roll of my eyes. "Gee whiz, how will I ever make it back into the new world?"

"Just shut up before you have two metal arms."

"I hate y-" As if on cue, we reach the door to the first level and tread lightly for a couple of yards. That only works for those numbered steps as we turn the corner and three out of the four men are standing there, drinking coffee and talking about world domination.

You know, the usual.

"Hello, kind sirs, could you please direct my partner and I to your leader?" Bucky says in an mechanical tone. His hands are on his hips and I have to turn slightly to hide my not far from apparent smile.

The men whip out their pistols and the closest one to us speaks, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

"Yeah but it was funny though." I respond. Immediately, I slam my elbow into the guy's gut which causes him to bend forward so I knee him in the head with ease. He's knocked out instantly.

My 'partner' is trying to get the two others down and out with his handy knife skills so I move into the room the agents were standing in front of to see one guy facing me. He falls with two quick fires to the heart and I motion to Bucky to leave the bodies alone and move to the second floor.

As we swiftly bound up the stairs, Bucky mentions behind me, "You know, you're actually a pretty good partner... Partner."

I stop right at the door and turn around to face the six-foot tall man. "Partner, my ass. If anyone here is a partner, it'd definitely be you."

"Calm down, _sweetheart_ ," He sways to the left and glances at the door-handle. "It's just a joke."

I ignore his final comment as he rips the door open and we charge into the room. There's one man to the right that Bucky takes on immediately and I see the other about twenty meters in front with a metal pipe from the ceiling that's low enough to grab. I run faster and jump, wrapping my hands around the bar and swinging myself onto the man's shoulders. I quickly squeeze my thighs and wrap my arms around his unprotected head and use all of my force to flip the agent over. As he plummets to the ground, I snap his neck in a swift motion and roll onto my feet. Mister Barnes is struggling with hand to hand against the last Hydra member in the room so I take matters into my own hands and shoot the man in the knee. I toss the gun to Bucky as he shoots him in the head and then moves closer to me.

"What the hell was that?" He exclaims as we march to the chamber in back of the one we're currently in. "I had that guy!"

"In about five minutes, which is time we can't spare." I push the steel blockade open to see a conglomeration of weapons stockpiled in the supposedly meager den. Anything from smoke bombs to WMD's are labeled and organized within the limitless rows of shelving.

" _Y/C/N, are you there?_ " Natasha's static voice comes from almost nowhere until I remembered. Clint's screeching comes from my bracelet at a subdued volume that's still deafening. " _Please don't be dead, that'd be completely unprofessional._ "

"I'm here, Widow, along with the Winter Soldier." I chuckle, thinking about how I probably should not have murdered three men on my first mission. "What do you have?"

" _No sight of the weapons but we had eyes on the leader: female, mid-thirties, brunette hair but dyed red and around 5'5. She had two other men guarding her so watch out._ "

"Oh, the Black Widow flatters me." A putrid German accent comes from the back of the room.  As soon as Bucky hears it, he whips around to face whomever spoke with a gun in each hand. I follow his movements but study his terror-struck face expeditiously. The woman is what she was described to be but carries a lethal vibe of evil within her. Natasha starts to ask where we are and what's going on but I shut off the bracelet to prevent any unexpected listeners.

"Who are you?" I keep my firearm raised, no doubt in my mind that something horrible is going to happen.

"You may have heard of my fath-"

"I don't care about your father, I just care about who _you_ are." I slowly creep around, my eyes not leaving the red-suited woman and her two bodyguards. Bucky stays rigid in the same position, not even moving when he takes air in, his hard expression showing a incomprehensible amount of emotion.

"But you do care about him or at least you should," She cracks an awful sneer and laughs along with it. "You see, my father is Johann Schmidt-"

"You're the Red Skull's daughter," Bucky's voice shakes as the woman in front of us shows her teeth maliciously. "Sinthea Schmidt."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'ALL I AM SO SORRY!!! the past two weeks were so busy with school and sports and i had a bit of writer's block but here is your chapter!!! i love the relationship between bucky and the reader (???) so much it's so much fun holy cow
> 
> after the fourth chap, it's gonna get a little bit dark and emotional so i'm just warning everyone that it'll be rough lmao but hopefully i can get you guys another one for next week!!! i'm gonna try so hard bc i love this site and the support on this fic so far <3
> 
> anyways, hasta luego, my dudes!!!


	5. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song of the Chapter: Ain't Nobody Like You- Dallas Cotton (Ft. Josh Pan)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just realized that most of the songs for the chapters are very electronic i apologize to those of you who actually listen to them
> 
> \---
> 
> Y/N = Your name.
> 
> Y/L/N = Your last name.

I've never seen such a powerful man look so small and terrified. 

Imagine the kind of pain and fear that's coursing through Bucky's veins: it would feel like someone cutting you on every curve and every edge on your body and pouring salt all over you; it would feel like having your heart broken twelve times in one second and the commonality around you snicker, crushing the pieces beneath their feet. He may have came off as a jerk in the past few days but he also has a strong aura of home. He doesn't deserve this. Not at all.

"Mister Barnes," Wicked from her head to her toes, Sinthea Schmidt glides closer to him but I move right to his side to defend the soldier. "It is awfully brave of you to come here and try to take my things, considering I know all of the words to bring the true Winter Soldier out of you."

"Don't, please." The words depict the horror that he never wants to live through again but warns Hydra of the wrath of SHIELD that they would endure. His hands are shaking but Barnes never sets his guns to his side; his heart is pounding against his rib-cage because I hear the bones quaking from the pressure.  

"Oh, bärchen, you will always follow orders no matter what you are." Sinthea moves to the wall  and her two men stand beside her, prepared to contain the Winter Soldier. "Желание."

"Stop," Bucky's grasp on his weapons grows until they crumble in his hands entirely.

"Ржавый. Семнадцать."

" _Stop_."

"Рассвет. Печь. Девять. Добросердечность. "

With every word, a shot is fired into Bucky's abdomen and a thunderstorm of years of violence hangs over us all. My partner turns around but not before he casts a wink to me, suddenly informing me of what's going on regarding a plan. He's wrapping his metal fingers around a steel bar and it bends as if it is made out of silly putty. Bucky screams as he drops to the ground beneath him, panting heavily like a wild animal. 

"Возвращение на Родину. Один. Грузовой вагон," Sinthea stands against the wall as she stares at Bucky's withering shoulders, the muscles protruding even over his suit. "...солдат?"

He turns his head up slowly, glaring with pure ferocity in his eyes and sneering with pressed lips carved out stone. It could easily scare thirty years off of a civilian's life span. Bucky stands up haughtily in front of the three Hydra idiots, laughing as he says, "They took that shit out of my mind years ago. You're a little late to the Brainwashing Party."

"Du hurensohn! You two, get the soldier  _now_!" The German woman has flames bursting out of her heart as she commands, fury seething from her teeth. The two bodyguards charge at both of us but Bucky and I fire at them before they get close enough to reach us. Sinthea brushes off the loss of her men as she tries to escape the clutch we have on her. I immediately chuck a knife at her but barely scathe Schmidt's thigh as she crashes out of the fourth-story window. Bucky and I run over to the opening but her body is nowhere to be seen. Various footsteps come from the previous chamber so Bucky and I prepare for whomever or whatever comes through the doorway.

"What the _hell_ was that, Y/L/N?" A furious Romanov bursts into the room with Clint, Steve, Sam and Wanda not far behind. Faces are covered in minor wounds but the rest of their bodies are sprinkled with contusions, blood soaking through torn suits. "Cutting off the comms with no warning? You could've been dead for all we knew."

"What she's not saying in her mom speech is that you really shook us up, we thought you and Buckaroo were hurt badly." Clint interrupts Natasha and claps a blistered hand on my shoulder. "What'd you find?"

"For starters, we found the weapons," I motioned to the rows of ammunition that Hydra had been collecting for years and Sam snorted. "We also found the leader and we took care of the Hydra agents on each floor with ease."

"How many casualties?" Steve asked, his patriotic father card being called into play. "Who's the head?"

"Six or possibly seven, but it's Hydra, and the leader is a nasty woman named Sinthea Schmidt." Bucky explains what happened with her and the attempt of bringing out the nonexistent Russian side of himself and how she flung herself out of a window to prevent SHIELD from getting their hands on her and the information she's carrying.  

"Goddamn Schmidt's and their Nazi bullshit." Steve mutters to himself but the whole group, other than Natasha, bursts into a fit of laughter. Super-soldiers and their hatred for Schmidt's is now my new favorite punchline. "I'll call Fury to get others to collect everything here. Let's all go home."

Once we're on our way, I, along with half of the team, help to stitch up the others from the injuries that they sustained during the mission. It was highly successful because of everything Bucky and I found, hopefully accomplishing my goal of proving myself worthy to the group. Both Steve and Tony keep taking glances at me and, although I'm the youngest, it's unnerving to have these two heroes constantly whispering to each other between glimpses. 

After a debriefing session of the operation and a final scolding from Natasha, Coulson and Fury, an Avengers meeting is called but, once I walk into the living room, only the guys are there. Steve and Tony's faces are smug, like they've just won all the money in a poker game. Everyone else is staring at them and wondering what the hell is going on.

"You all are probably wondering why Freezer Burn and I called you to this meeting..." Tony speaks first, a twitch in his eyebrow showing how much excitement he's getting from this. "And it's because we thought that we should have a little bonding day with the newest recruit so she feels at home here."

Sam raises his hand like we're in the middle of a classroom and asks, "So, then why aren't the other chicks here?"

"Because they probably have sleepovers in the middle of the night to bond." I almost fall over from laughing so hard at the statement that he actually thinks is true. All the guys put their attention on me and I realize that this is going to be a long day if somethings don't get straightened out. "What? You haven't done that yet?"

"I've only been here for a couple of days and they've all been busy with missions and preparations." I shrug my shoulders, using some acting to get on the good side of the men. "Maybe at a later date it'll happen... But what are we doing here?"

"I'm glad you asked, Y/N." Tony presses a button on his bracelet that projects a digital diorama in the center of the room, millions of colors and figures woven in the light beams. "We don't really know Agent Y/L/N so we'll split in half and do activities throughout the day."

"Tony, Bruce, Thor and Vision, you all will do whatever Tony has planned later tonight but Buck, Sam, Clint and I will head out with Y/N first." Tony's group leaves the room and Steve stands up, a huge smile on his perfect face. "Get cleaned up by around 2:30 and meet in front of the elevator. You'll find out what we're doing then."

Everyone except for Cap squeezes into the elevator for the short but semi-awkward journey to each of our floors. When we reach ours, Bucky and I race to our rooms in a competition of "Who Can Get Ready the Fastest?" that we developed on the ride. I knew exactly what I had to do to be ready so I did all of it in under twenty-five minutes, a record time for me. I sneak out of my room with no sight of Barnes and take a breathe against the walls of the machine, checking my reflection on the glass in front of me. The doors open to an empty floor, which is not normal and very worrying. I step out with my jacket (and gun) in hand and move out, looking at all reflective surfaces in case someone managed to break in and murder all of the Avengers in one sweep. I notice in the mirror in front of me there's a glint of metal against a wall that I know has no decor on it. 

I whip around and stick my gun out at Bucky. He steps out of the darkness with his hands raised in mock surrender, a glint of wild thrill that's apparent in both of our eyes. "Even though you have a weapon pointing at me, I still win."

"Sorry, it's more fun to break it out and make others think that I'm going to kill you." I brush off his bragging and slip my firearm into my back waistband. I walk over to the kitchen and hop onto the counter, still ignoring whatever Bucky is proclaiming and taking a bit into a apple.

"You know what that means," He moves in front of me and puts his arms on either side of me. "Since you lost to me."

"What does it mean, terminator?" I say in between bites, watching Clint leave the lift with a matching apple in his hand and avoid what's going on between us. 

"It means you have to follow my orders," He moves closer, millimeters apart from the skin on our lips brushing together. This is the closest I've been to Bucky, any sudden move could cause me to fall forward. We don't dare to break the inhibited eye-contact we're forcing onto each other, to look away would mean that emotions are flying the coop of our hearts. "For twelve hours on whatever day I choose."

The room is silent for a minute until a slow bite is heard from the other room. Bucky leans backwards and cracks up, one of my favorite sounds now. Clint's blonde head pops up from the couch and he looks at us with mass confusion, "What?"

"Fuckin' crazy." Sam intrudes the conversation, carrying backpacks: one concealing Sam's wings and the second with Steve's shield. "Sorry, I'll watch my language, Cap."

"You told him?" Steve groaned and almost punched Clint in the shoulder, risking our master marksman's ability to aim. 

Clint jumps up from the couch and strolls over to the trash bin. "We told you we wouldn't let you live it down." 

"I hate you all." 

"Nah, you love us, Stevie." Bucky blows a kiss to him but all Cap does is flip him off, causing a wave of laughter. "So, what are we doin'?"

"Shopping and going out for lunch, maybe a little bit of sightseeing." Steve motions for us to move into the elevator and everyone follows his silent order because he's the goddamn Captain and that's how things are. "I know, it sounds lame but it'll be fun."

"He said lame?" I interject, looking straight at Bucky as I speak. "That's pretty fresh for an old man!"

"I _really_ like her." Sam points to me and snorts, irritating both super-soldiers at once. Bucky sticks his tongue out at me and Steve just giggles, as any mature adults would. Our group of four extremely built men and one slightly shorter girl hits the New York streets in search of the brunch place Steve decided on. Once we arrive, I know why he chose this place: it's a lovely cafe with all sorts of plants and lights scattered indoors and out, an all-around pleasant and calming place to be in. We're in the restaurant for almost two hours, learning more about each other and receiving looks of annoyance from the staff for intentionally pronouncing the Italian terms wrong. 

After we're done with our meal, Steve pays for _everything_ , despite all of our protests and efforts, and then drags us to several stores. The shops we explore range from comic books with graphic illustrations of the Avengers to clothing with all sorts of hilarious and ridiculous choices to try on. 

After three hours of strolling around, Sam ends up buying Steve a twelve-month calendar with a picture of Chris Evans' ass for every month and Bucky designs a t-shirt for me: Godzilla with the Winter Soldier arm. I almost cry from the sheer incredibility that he's one of my best friends and the fact that he's a complete and total loser. 

The group heads home after our exhausting voyage through the city as the sun begins to fall into the ocean. I part from the first group of boys in the elevator with a hug that almost swallows me whole, repeating my gratitude into their ears. They all have enormous smiles on their faces, some that are suspiciously full of mystery.

I meet Tony and the four others in the miniature cinema (that Tony never mentioned in the tour) with, and I quote Stark, the comfiest clothes on and the worst possible foods to eat in my arms. 

As I enter the room, I see that it's basically a gigantic couch and all eight of the guys are there, wearing the most ridiculous but apposite pajamas for themselves; it's probably the cutest thing I've seen in a long time. 

"The gue-family member of honor has arrived," Tony cheers from the opposite side of the room in his chemistry themed sweatpants, Bruce's head in his lap. "So, let's get this movie night started!"

I scan the room and then look directly at Bucky, who's all the way on the end because of his personal space issues. Considering I'm trying to annoy him as much as possible, I decide to lie basically on top of him and force all of my body heat to his side. Thor stands up to start the first movie, _Avengers: Infinity War_ , and shows off his golden flannel pants in the process. 

"Did you really have to have to sit right next to me?" Bucky whines in my ear but I shush him, as if I haven't seen the movie before. "You're annoying."

"No, I'm not. I'm just too fun for you," I look up into his gleaming eyes and decide against starting a war between us. I wouldn't want to make enemies with my floor-mate. "Barnes."

A breath of relief escapes his lungs and he loosens up into the couch, slinging an arm around my shoulder. I lean into his shoulder as feel my face heat up, trying to hide behind the dim lights of the screen. All of the guys are having a blast reacting to the portrayals of themselves in the movie, especially Sam because of the calendar. Occasionally, Vision will make puppets with his hands in front of the projection of the films and cause an uproar from the Avengers and whenever someone shows up in a scene, there's cheers for those characters from every corner because of how much everyone loves each other. 

After a couple of hours, we finish several other Marvel movies and begin _Into Darkness_ , another one I've seen so much that I can't count the number on both hands.

 At this point, the seven other men are somewhat calm, their focus on Spock and Kirk's bickering but also on the inexplicable amount of junk foods in front of them. It's almost three in the morning but they're all still wide awake considering Sam and Clint have crumbs covering their bird pajama pants and whatever around them from their lengthy popcorn battle. 

After fighting the urge to fall asleep for five minutes, I feel two different temperatures wrap around my waist and pull me closer to Bucky's now laid out form. I stiffen up and regain partial consciousness of my surroundings because, at this point, we're basically cuddling and I'm about to pass out from shock and exhaustion. I close my eyes and sink into the fire within him, needing whatever keeps the man so warm since I'm always freezing. I know it's Clint who drapes a blanket over and takes a picture of us because he mutters 'shit' about ten times after the shutter goes off.

"Are they sleeping?" Thor softly asks as he takes a gummy bear from Bruce's grasp. "It would be of high embarrassment if they heard me say that they are a mighty couple."

The scientist snatches the bag back from the Asgardian and chuckles, "It would probably also be your death considering they hate each other." 

"I would argue the opposite, Mister Thor and Mister Banner," Vision's swaddled up in a sweater with the Scarlet Witch logo plastered on it as he intrudes in the conversation. "You see, they are actually experiencing a hormonal imbalance in the hypothalamus."

"Cut the fancy talk, Vis." Tony butts in, the topic withholding drama creates an opportunity of mischief for the so-called genius. "I can see what's happening," 

"What?" 

"And they don't have a clue."

"Who?"

"They'll fall in love and here's the bottom line," Stark jumps up for theatrical effect and emotes into the words. "Our decuplet's down to two."

"Oh." A minute of reminiscing and Steve comes to the conclusion first, howling with laughter as the others realize what he just did. "I can't believe you just quoted _The Lion King_... But why do you think they have a crush on each other? She just joined the team a week ago."

I take a second to think about how he's right, how the seven days have felt like seven years with the Avengers and bonds are forming instantly among us. I try to stop my train of thought by turning over and pressing my face into Bucky's chest to hide my reactions. 

What I don't understand is the hypothesis that there's some kind of fling going on between Bucky and I; we're close but not _that_ close... Yet? 

"Yeah but they're already acting like a married couple!" Clint exclaims, quieter than his natural tone. I feel eyes staring at the back of my head and hear mainly the slumbering man's heart pulsing, Star Trek acting as background noise for the discourse in the room. "I bet you, Steven Rogers, that Y/N and Bucky will get together before the end of her first year here."

"And if they don't?" Cap's attention is grasped by Clint's bet. 

"Then I owe you twenty- no, _fifty_ bucks." The arrow man smiles, luck playing a major part in the gambling of our feelings. "But if I win, you owe me fifty bucks and a two-page essay in 11-point font, preferably Times New Roman, about me being right."

"That's absolutely ridicu-" Bruce starts to cut in, running his fingers through his knotted ebony hair. He reminds me of a puppy that's been hurt by his owners far too many times to trust humanity again; he's had his share of far too much trauma for one human being, it's something that I first saw in the man's eyes.

"You're _on_ , Barton." The two short-haired blonds shake hands as the others cheer on the wager between them. I mentally roll my eyes at the idiocy in the heroes only feet away from me. I feel the hum falling from Bucky's lips since his chin is resting on the top on my skull and I realize that I know who's going to succeed already: The winner's name starts with a Captain and ends in America because there's no way a human being who knows what I do for a living could fall for someone like me. 

I shut my eyes and sink into the wholesome soul beside me, thinking about the endless possibilities of what could happen and what could change in 358 days. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello everyone!! the german that's in this chapter are:
> 
> bärchen = little bear
> 
> and
> 
> du hurensohn = you son of a bitch
> 
> and the russian is, of course, bucky's trigger words so if you don't know what they are, just search them up! but i'm just going to severely apologize for what's going to happen in the next couple of chapters because, to those who actually like this story, you miiight hate me :D it's going to get super emotional and probably traumatizing so watch out
> 
> BUT i would like to formally say thank you all for the support on this!! i was contemplating something along the lines of if i get a good amount of feedback from some of you on this, i might try writing some type of stucky au that i've been thinking about doing after i finish this?? i'm not sure yet lmao
> 
> as usual, hasta luego, my dudes!!!


	6. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song of the Chapter: Lullabies (Adventure Club Remix)- Yuna

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just like i told y'all, this chapter and the two following after this are gonna be crazy emotional so this is a forewarning for anyone who doesn't like that type of stuff that you might not want to read those if traumatic stuff really upsets u :)
> 
> \---
> 
> Y/N = Your name.
> 
> Y/L/N = Your last name.
> 
> Y/C/N = Your codename.

It's now been two months since I've joined the Avengers and life couldn't be better. 

In the middle of last night, Coulson and Nick messaged me with an assignment: a solo mission away from the Avengers that Fury didn't disclose any details on other than "I don't want any Hydra motherfuckers to walk out of that building alive, you hear me?" and I can't blame the guy because if my agency was infiltrated and taken over by a Nazi group, I wouldn't want any of them to make it out alive either. Sinthea Schmidt reestablished and took over the role of Hydra's leader so she's been up to more than no good.

I'm glad for the away time though because, even in a skyscraper, I need some space away from everyone, even Bucky. No matter what, I have to psych myself up for the realization that I might have to hurt or kill some good or innocent people. 

That's the worst thing about my job.

Pulling on my gloves, I walk out of the mission room on the top floor and begin my trip down to the S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters to get the remaining information and equipment that I'll need. I have a sinking feeling in my stomach that this mission isn't going to end up well and I'm not prepared to face my emotions anytime soon. 

Stepping into the building in an almost black catsuit and more than enough weapons to take down the establishment and everyone in there is a death wish unless you're technically an agent there. 

The sound of blood rushing in my ears and the thousand voices coming from every angle around me makes my head feel like it's going to explode. It feels like someone is watching over me, judging my every step but that's true because I'm at S.H.I.E.L.D. and there's eyes surveying you, no matter who you are, all the time.  You get used to it over time though. Being an assassin gets rid of the anxiety that people who actually have a heart would have about killing a human being. (But no matter how emotionless you are, you'll always feel guilty for taking a life. _Always_.)

I see Coulson waving me over to meet him, Fury and the tag team coming with me for recon in the mission room here to confirm the plan and make sure this goes over smoothly. But there's something written in his eyes, like he's hiding a secret that's slowly eating him from the inside out. Phil never has this look on his face and I can sense a feeling in the room that's keeping it uncomfortably silent. It's frigid and heart wrenching; it's worse than being in a room filled with international spies.

"Agent Y/L/N, early and prepared as always." He states and leads me into the room, his hands wavering along with his voice. 

"Ready as I'll ever be, Coulson," I sigh and take a seat alongside on of the members of the tag team, Gavin Mourey. He's the head of this team and I've worked alongside him almost as long as I've worked with Alex, which is from the beginning. "What have we got today, my dude?"

"Don't call me that ever again but, as you all know, a Hydra facility has been discovered in rural Connecticut and it has recently acquired an alarming amount of weapons and information but-"

Fury interrupts, "They've also been trying to make passes at us, saying they'll take down S.H.I.E.L.D. again but it'll be even easier this time because we are infiltrated _again_."

"Well, that blows," Gavin chuckles. "At least we can 'blow' up one of their stupid hideouts and set those assholes back a while."

"That's the thing, Agent Mourey. We can't bomb the building and call it a day; We have to retrieve information and incredibly dangerous weapons to prevent them from getting into the wrong hands." Phil's wall that he had built so carefully for what he's hiding was starting to crumble. "The infor-"

"Coulson, we shouldn't even think about disclosing that, " Fury's voice was a murmur in the still room but everyone heard what he said. "It could compromise the entire mission right now."

"With all do respect, it's extremely important and will generate a stronger work ethic within them all and-"

"You're all stalling," I stand up, tired already of whatever is going on today. "I want answers or else I will not hesitate to leave th-"

"The information they have is a human being, one of Koenig's agents." Phil says it in a manner that could break anyone's heart in less than one second.

"Who do they have, Phil?" I choke on my own words. 

"Agent Alex Garcia." His head falls in shame. "We have a theory that kidnapping him was a way to get to you..."

"No." Every nerve, every thought, every part of me changes from annoyance of this mission into worry of Alex. He's barely thirty; undeserving of being locked up in a Hydra cell and tortured because of intel he has taken in from over the past eight years. I haven't seen the man in almost two months and I'm beating myself up even more. "No, _no_ , not Alex. We have to go now, we have to get him, he can't take care of himse-"

"Agent Y/L/N, I assure you that Agent Garcia is fine and that he is fully capable of taking care of himself but we will be leaving in less than twenty minutes." Nick Fury is a strong and authoritative man but I don't care about repercussions currently. I care about my best friend.

"We're leaving in five, nothing less." 

"Agent-" 

" _No_ , I know everything that's supposed to happen and it all will but, right now, my main concern is a man who doesn't deserve this shit and everything else happening to him. So we're leaving in five. Nothing. Less."

Fury sighs but points the extraction team and I in the direction of our Quinjet for this assignment. The man has always been a closed book, not even the front cover open, but I can read him and he's drained. He doesn't show it though. 

_Spies shouldn't show their emotions; it's a weakness. Weaknesses constitute errors._

We tread down the hallways, ignoring the frightened examinations from the others, and climb into the Quinjet. In my bones, rage is consuming my heart and possibly creating a dangerous outcome for this operation if I don't get it under control. 

_Spies don't show their emotions; it's a weakness. Weaknesses produce failures._

Gavin prepares for take-off and then we're in the air as I take my seat in the back, sharpening my throwing knives and preparing our gear in general. It's only a forty-five minute flight but it's battling between being too long and too short. I'm trying to prepare myself for any outcome but anything could happen. Anything could explode at any moment. Anyone could die. I need to suppress my thoughts right now. 

_Spies never show their emotions; it's a weakness. Weaknesses form disasters._

_Weaknesses make mistakes._

"Landing in five," Gavin shouts from the front of the jet and the atmosphere feels heavier every second that goes by. "Be prepared for anything, guys, We don't know what's going to happen."

We touch down in the middle of an abandoned Connecticut farm but the distant humming of generators is a sign we're in the right place.

"Listen up, everyone knows the plan: storm the base, take down any Hydra agent that comes at us, acquire the weapons we were told to get and leave recovering Agent Garcia to me. Clear?" My voice is stone-cold as anyone's could ever be. Leading the extraction team into the depths of hell, I stride into the base and take down two Hydra members with my trusted firearm immediately. I take care of the ten other men that are spread in front of us with every ounce of force and precision in my bones. There's no room for messing up on this mission, not even one slip. 

I let the boys behind me scout around for the weapons and any sign for Alex or someone in charge of this establishment so I can check in with Fury to see if they have any other data, "Bottom level all clear except for three watchdogs, taken care of though." 

" _Good, Stark's scanner thing has picked up at least five life signs on the two upper levels but there's no sign of Agent Garcia's signal here._ " Nick notifies me, causing a miniature heart attack for me.

"Is there any sign of it anywhere?" I keep my voice steady, hiding the fear.

" _All the way back in Manhattan, another abandoned building too. These damn Hydra fools and their abandoned locations..._ "

"I'm going back to New York," I tell Fury and Gavin at the same time as I start to head back to the Quinjet, "I'm not letting anyone else touch Agent Garcia."

" _Agent Y/L/N, I'm the only other one besides Director Coulson who can make decisions so if-_ "

" _Sir,_ " Mourey pages in. " _I suggest you let her go because you can't stop her anyway. She's too stubborn to stay._ "

There's a quick moment of silence. " _I'm_   _sending you the location of his signal right now. After this, you and I will be having a long debriefing session, Y/L/N. Fury, out._ "

"Thank you, Gavin. I'll be sending in more backup for you and your men." I say to Gavin as I start up my ride, programming the address in as well.

" _No problem, considering I told the truth,_ " He laughs softly. " _Now go get him, Y/C/N, he needs a hero right now._ " 

"I'm not a hero." My comm bugs out, hinting that he probably crushed his comm beneath his boot. 

I take flight and make it back to Manhattan in record time, probably because the trepidation of losing Alex is overtaking my mind. I can't lose one of the only friends I had for six years now. I land the Quinjet on a rooftop a few structures away from the one holding him and make my way over to the rooftop. 

" _Y/L/N, there's four life signs on the roof of the building with Garcia on it, three armed._ " Fury apprises me, a tone of slight worry in his voice.

"Thank you, Fury. Precaution will be taken. Communication will be halted." I turn my comm off but I let every agent who's listening back at the S.H.I.E.L.D. and Hydra bases know that I'll be okay because I'm a goddamn super-spy. Performing crazy stunts has always been normal thing for us. 

I'm one building away now but a bitter German accent speaks words that I wish that I would never hear again. "Agent Y/N Y/L/N, I knew you that would come." 

Leaping onto the roof, I mention, "You know my name but you do know that I'm working with the man who killed your father, right?" I scan the roof and see Sinthea Schmidt and two of her bodyguards standing around a man on his knees. His hands are bound with rope behind his back but, even with black cloth covering his face, I know that it's Alex. 

"Of course I do, that's why- _take off the bag, Björn, let him see his savior_ \- Alex here has been with me for the past forty-eight hours." Sinthea leers at me, creating a storm of emotions in my gut. This woman is a goddamn monster; She has the same cold eyes and numerous qualities as her dad because I remember Steve telling me about his past adventures against Red Skull and everything he was. The bag is pulled off of Alex's face and guilt swarms my body. His face is covered in cuts, bruises and dried blood. He seems strong, like he hasn't given anything up to Hydra. There's rage in his eyes as he glares up at Sinthea, something I've never seen before. Alex has always been this clumsy tech genius but he looks different now: he resembles a traumatized agent. "Alex, _mien herz_ , tell her about your time here so far, I bet she is dying to hear it."

"What did you do to him?" I grit my teeth to prevent useless words from coming out. 

"Oh, nothing much. A little waterboarding, a little physical violence, the usual." She sneers at us all. "Björn, Tomas, please take care of my bärchen here. I need to chat with Miss Y/L/N right now."

"You aren't going _anywhere_ with him." I take a step forward but everyone except for Alex pulls out a gun of some sort. "We're going to talk right here, like human beings."

Sinthea giggles of some sort, "Tsk, tsk, Y/N. That is your mistake right there... The only human here is dear Alex because he still has _emotions_ , unlike everyone else... But maybe I am wrong? Maybe you will feel something when my men kill him?"

Faster than her heavily armed guards, I take them out with a bullet to their knees with my two guns, while they try to hit me with their massive automatics, and then in the heart. They fall to ground, motionless. Turning around, Sinthea has Alex's hands untied but him by the throat, a steel knife against it.

"I would not take one step further, if I were you." She threatens, holding the blade closer to Alex's neck.

"You won't do anything to him because you're a coward, just like your father. The only time he ever did something was when someone did it for him." I growl, knowing the possible outcomes of this.

"Y/N, please, just go." Alex begs, his voice soft and tender but eyes brimmed with tears. "You need to leave."

"It is alright, my liebe," Sinthea hushes Alex by dropping the knife and holding his face, an unexpected show of emotion. "You won't have to deal with this world anymore... You will be free."

Alex sits silently as Sinthea gazes into his bloodshot eyes. He's covered in injuries and crimson blood but the whites of his eyes turn crimson as he picks up the blade from the floor and shoves it into her stomach. A sound of betrayal comes from her wine-stained lips as she falls to the ground, the same color rushing out of her system.

"Bärchen, you're so weak..." She coughs, ichor pouring from her mouth and her abdomen. "But at least my father is not disappointed in me, I accomplished what he wanted me to do..."

"And what was that?" Alex murmurs, a sudden emotion of regret within his voice.

"I won after I died." 

Synthea's heavy breaths for air ceased as her heart stopped beating on the roof of an abandoned building on a raw November evening. Alex's happiness within himself quickly faded away as stood up and faced the autumn gale and reality of being human. My heart lost the sliver of hope of compassion within mankind and this universe that I held in my mind. Two alive and three dead people in the middle of Manhattan creates a storm in the city. Alex peers into the alleyway down below him and holds onto the railing and his breath, holding off whatever he wants to say to me. The silence is deafening and the howling winds wrapping their arms around us brings more fuel to the fire. 

"She was right about why I'm human." Alex breaks the reticence and falls back into it. "You know you're my best friend, right? You were the best person in my life."

"I know all of that, you idiot..." I walk nearer to him and look into his bloodshot eyes to see an terminal kind of emptiness in them. "Why are you saying all of this?"

The silence returns as he drops his gaze and holds on even tighter to the barrier. A feeling of immense fear clouds my brain and thinks of the absolute worst. My best friend for six years has changed completely in a matter of six minutes; He's gone.

"Y/N, I won't be able to live." Alex begins.

"Then we can go to a psychologist or therapist," I move even closer to him but Alex moves closer to the edge. "You won't have to live with it."

"There's something other than PTSD," He whispers. "She killed me anyways."

"What?"

"In twenty-four hours, I'm going to die no matter what. She injected some type of poison into my bloodstream that'll shut down my organs, one by one. I have no way out."

"No," I gasped, trying to hold back tears from falling. "No, no! I can't lose you, Alex! I can have Tony work all night for a cure or something to hold it off for a while or something! We can fig-"

"Bugger, it's okay. I accepted it hours ago." Alex's eyes are fake smiling for the sake of me. He's always been too goddamn selfless for this world to handle. I pull him closer to me for a chance of one last hug from the semi-built man. I don't hold on too tight because I don't want to hurt him anymore. Thunder rolls in the distance as the heavens begin to shed teardrops, mimicking the disposition we both share. "You'll always be my favorite spy and friend, even if you're a little bit of an asshole."

"Alex, please don't go. I need you here, I need you to stay alive and be here. We can figure it all out in twenty-four hours, we can finally go on that coffee run I owe you. God, just please stay-" Words are pouring out of my mouth like a waterfall of repressed emotions and I wish I could stop it. I recognize what he's doing but I also know that I can't stop him: The man is too much like me in regards for stubbornness and how our eyes show our true feelings. Alex moves to the edge of the building and " _Please_."

"Goodbye, Y/N." Alex climbs over the bar and stands on the edge of the skyscraper, his shoulders shaking and facing me. " _I love you._ "

"Alex, NO!" I howl and run over the the edge of the building, reaching out into the air. 

But I'm too late.

My best friend falls backwards into the abyss of the alleyway and the world loses another person who was too kindhearted and pure for the darkness and evil in every corner. As drop onto my knees and grasp onto the railing, agony and torment form a hurricane of emotions inside me and I let go of everything I've kept inside of me for the past couple of years: all of the anger, all of the sadness, all of the happiness, all of the memories of Alex and I, everything. All of my emotions are shown on this roof with no one to see. I don't hear anything other than the sound of him hitting the ground below and I don't see anything other than his bloodshot, trauma-filled eyes in my mind. 

I never let go of the metal railing for the realization that, if I do, I'll have to accept the fact that Alex is gone forever. 

His name is a whisper within my each of my sobs, hoping that he's happier in the afterlife than he was here. After thirty minutes or so of mourning, I'm stable enough to turn my comm back on and call into S.H.I.E.L.D., "Agent Y/L/N here, solo mission accomplished. Hydra leader Sinthea Schmidt and her two bodyguards were there but I took care of them. Bodies and messes have to be cleaned up."

"Alright, good." Bucky's voice comes from behind me, which causes me to turn around and let go of the barrier in shock. "What about Agent Garcia?"

The second his name comes out of his mouth, I break down into hysterics and collapse but never reach the concrete. Strong arms wrap around me and hold me up as I sob into Bucky's chest, his metal hand against my head, keeping me from looking down into the backstreet below. His voice is a hushed tone of empathy as he utters the same three phrases over and over: 'I'm sorry', 'It's okay', and 'I'm here' but everything is hollow to me. 

The torrent falling from the sky washes the watercolor of dried blood and sudor covering my body, creating a puddle of crimson beneath me. Bucky and I stand in the middle of the rooftop for a time that seems too short.

This is all my fault.

_Spies wouldn't show their emotions; it's a weakness. Weaknesses create inaccuracy._

_Weaknesses make mistakes._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the german in this chapter:
> 
> bärchen = little bear
> 
> liebe = love
> 
> and
> 
> mein herz = my heart
> 
> I'M SO SORRY ABOUT THIS but i'm actually really proud of this one because i worked on this for weeks before lmao!! but thank you all for getting me to a thousand reads already it's honestly absolutely crazy to me that this piece of crap that i came up with from a dream is something people actually enjoy reading so i guess i'll keep it up and give u guys all i got!!!!! 
> 
> so i'll just say that the chap for next week is basically a filler about coping with alex's death (at least sinthea's gone even though it was a short battle) and lots and lots of repressed emotions with some added irony because i really love screwing things up for people :D
> 
> as always, hasta luego, my dudes!!!


	7. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song of the Chapter: Darkness (Ft. Fade)- Break

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'ALL I'M SO SORRY THAT IT'S BEEN SO LONG I'LL EXPLAIN AT THE END!!! also this chapter is from bucky's POV so i hope it was worth waiting for in a way?? lmao 
> 
> \---
> 
> (Y/N) = Your name.

It hurts more than you could imagine to see someone you care about in so much agony.

I dealt with Steve when we were younger and when he was smaller. With all of his sicknesses and disabilities that left him bed-ridden for weeks at a time, it took a toll on both of us mentally since, back in the 1930s, you couldn't show your emotions without being beat up in the back of an alleyway or being called something related to being gay. You would just have to put on a show and keep all of your feelings locked inside.

Y/N's currently doing that by locking herself up in her room for five days and has only come out for the necessities of food, water, and the bathroom but even that's rare. More than half of us have tried to talk to her and get her out of her room but the other's know it's no use.

Gavin Mourey, Y/N's partner back at her old agency, called Stark and I several times and said that " _She's only going to come out when she wants to and when she's ready. Keeping her emotions in to prevent more tragedy or mistakes is what she's been trained for."_ When Fury told Agent Garcia's agency about what happened, Gavin crumbled like a stone wall turned into pebbles and other agents followed suit. Everyone who knew Alex must've believed that he didn't deserve that shit.

It's been quiet throughout the entire building with no parties or gatherings but lots of missions. No one wants to disturb her grieving process or cause a breakdown of sorts.

We try to keep our distance from each other as we choose to. It's frigid whenever we're together, knowing that there's nothing we can do for our teammate. Wanda and Natalia have been whispering about how they want to do something for her once she's in a better state of mind. The three of them have gotten closer in the past months. They have a happier, stronger bond and it was relief to us all that Y/N integrated herself into the group.

Now, we just need her to talk to us.

Steve claims that he would say that he knows how she feels, but he would rather wait to say it face to face with Y/N. I know he's still blaming himself over the train and Winter Soldier incidents but, even though he is a little more than over-dramatic, it's something close to Y/N's situation with Alex. He still blames himself for the loss of his best friend but, the truth is, nothing could have been prevented in what was going to happen to me; it was all bound to happen if I wanted it or not. Steve says at least once a month, " _Fate has a way of bestowing the worst presents to people who don't deserve them_ , _most of us are the ones who have gotten them_. _We just have to live it_."

It's easy to see that in our line of work, it's never been easy: you're going to go against your values; you're going to realize that without relationships, everyone is safer; you're going to lose good people. It's part of the unidentified terms and conditions of this job that you have no way out of. Y/N knows what she got herself into but I'm guessing she wasn't expecting to lose her best friend in such a harrowing way.

It really pains me to know that this is the first time Y/N lost someone close to her in field. She's believes that Alex's death is all her fault. She's telling herself that she should have done more to persuade him, to save her best friend's life.

We're all aware that she's doing this because she's an agent. Every agent who had a person die in front of their eyes bestows upon their mind that there is no other way to grieve other than to blame yourself; We're trained for these occurrences but those lessons seem to only increase agony.

I stay on our tier all day long, in case she decides to show herself or worse. I don't go on any operations or leave the building in fear of something happening, I just go to our personalized gym or sit on the couch and read, something I never had time for previously. Saltine crackers, an apple and a glass of water for her every morning and, by the time twilight pours itself all over the city, they're gone.

Time hasn't worked properly during the past week or so; everything has either been far too fast or strikingly slow. The daylight is a never-ending strife with the silence on our floor but the midnight is haunting because I can feel whenever Y/N is up: She'll perch herself by the windows and peer out at the millions of lights flickering across the skyline, sitting there for hours into the night. Silent tears fall until the sun crawls out from the horizon, a cycle that hasn't broken for over a hundred hours. With the luminescence of New York glowing brighter than usual, I stand in my room and stare out at the city surrounding the tower, searching for the answer for a question I didn't even know.

The tower is empty, all other Avengers out in Sokovia on a tactical mission and I'm more than fine with not being there alongside them. The scene is peaceful and filled with a sort of change that I've been wanting for days. I take a seat on my unmade bed and fall onto my back, longing for an hour or two of slumber.

As I'm nearing the brink of sleep, soft and panicked words between our walls raise in volume. I can hear Y/N repeating "Alex, please. Don't go." and I brace myself for whatever is coming next.

Y/N lets out a heart-wrenching cry and I jump off of my bed and barrel towards her door.

F.R.I.D.A.Y. knows what just happened and asks me, " _Do you want me to call the others?_ ". I sway my head side to side as an answer but she powers halfway down like she was before. I pound against the wooden frame but it doesn't budge, the locks and metal reimbursement Stark personally installed for our rooms holding strong. In a panic, I decide to not listen to my conscience for the night.

Using my metal shoulder, I bust her door open, creating an explosion of oak and steel fragments. I move into her room and see Y/N curled up on her bed, completely emotionless but tears rolling down her cheeks. I'm instantly transported back to the 1930s and in the same position of 'What the hell do I do to calm you down?' whenever Steve had an asthma attack or worse.

I take a seat on the edge of the mattress and pull Y/N onto my thighs as she faces me, tears filling up her bloodshot eyes. I wrap my arms around her waist and the shuddering woman instantly falls into my chest, sobbing harder and harder with each swig of air taken in. Y/N clutches onto my worn-down sweatshirt, tighter than the bar she was holding on that evening. I can feel my heart cracking as she shakes her head back and forth, letting out all of her hidden emotions seconds at a time. I run my fingers through her Y/H/C tresses and make patterns on her back in an attempt to soothe her.

Thirty minutes have passed and Y/N's body is no longer tense but her hands are still clutching onto my sweater. Neither of us have spoken a word during this period; It's common between us all to sit in a room and say nothing but now it feels off, like something is really wrong. Y/N's curled up in my arms, looking and feeling weaker than usual. She hasn't experienced all types of pain yet, so this is proving her youth.

She falls asleep about ten minutes later. I carry her out to the couch with the best view of the Empire State building from our tower. Laying a blanket over her, I gently set myself on the chair a few feet away so I keep a distance but can still take care of her.

Y/N stays comatose for almost three hours.

Around three in the morning, she's gasping for oxygen and mouthing Alex's name. Y/N sits up with her eyes open wide and fingers clenching her heart. She looks around at where she is and glares straight into my eyes, enmity and terror dilating her pupils. Y/N rips the cloak off of her and storms towards the balcony outside, no intention of being held back.

I try to reach out for her hand but she tears it away. Nothing comes from her throat since it's all in her eyes. I call out, "Y/N, I'm trying to help yo-"

"I know, Bucky, but I don't need your help," Her bags are more prominent when her eyebrows are furrowed. "Or anyone's so just leave me alone."

I watch as the sullen girl makes her way out to the balcony and drops her head into her hands, her shoulders trembling as she sobs for the second time. This is how it was during the younger years with Steve; He was and still is so goddamn stubborn about being independent that he wouldn't even let me speak to him.

I hesitate from following her for a few seconds but I move to where the glass separating us isn't in her peripheral vision. I can barely hear what Y/N is telling herself but it sounds a lot like, " _God, please help me with this shit... I can't do it on my own but I don't want to lose him too._ " The wind is whipping around her, like she's controlling it with her falling tears, but there's only one person I know of who can do that.

I turn the handle for the door and Y/N doesn't make any attempts to keep me from entering.

"I'm sorry... When you screamed, I panicked and -" I barely manage to get my question out of my throat, my emotions starting to get the best of me. I can see the flare of the sun beginning to make its way, indicating that the chill of the night is ending soon. "Just know that I give you full permission to beat me up, make fun of me-"

"I'm not going to do anything to you... I'm sorry too, I-". Y/N wipes away the stray water-droplets with her voice low. "It's all my fault, it's my fucking _fault_."

"You can keep telling yourself that but it's not true. You did all you could to save his life but Alex decided what he wanted to do before." I take a step closer to her and she doesn't even flinch backwards. Y/N is more than tired, she's currently fragile as china dishes. "You know, all heroes have to go through shit like this before they're even thought of as one."

"There's no way that I'm a _hero_ , I hurt and sometimes kill people for a living."

"We all do that but we also save lives," I shrug as I lean against the steel railing, gazing at the miniature figures moving below us. I wish I had some of that Russian vodka Nat gets at least once a month right now. "That sounds like a hero to me."

Y/N stays mute for a moment, most likely ignoring everything I just said. She lets out the gasp of air she was holding inside herself unsteadily and looks up at me as she whispers, "I miss him so much." As I lightly pull her into my embrace, Y/N breaks down one more time. She's no longer holding anything back, a sign of weariness from the past days of grieving by herself. Her true self is in front of me: a human being with emotions like guilt and sadness and dependency, maybe something more.

It's around 0400 and serenity is restored on our floor. We stood with our arms knotted together and now lay on the couch, confiding secrets in each other that no one else knows. I begin to feel that there's something wrong with telling Y/N about my past and her telling me about hers. I know of a phrase that Fury would tell us all whenever we apologized for something: _Spies wouldn't show their emotions; it's a weakness. Weaknesses create inaccuracy._

_Weaknesses make mistakes._

Y/N fell asleep on the opposite side of the couch while I'm standing in the kitchen with a glass halfway full of whiskey, waiting for Clint to call me back since he hung up abruptly not too long ago. The mission was completed in just three days and the team were on their way back right now. In just a couple of hours, things could possibly return to how they were just two weeks ago.

But I know that they'll never actually be the same.

My cell rings quietly from my pocket but I don't hear Barton's charismatic laugh when I open it up. "Hey, Buckaroo."

"Birdman, what's up?"

"How's she doing?" Clint's voice is solemn as he asks. There's no background noise other than the Quinjet's engine gentle humming and the quiet conversations going on between the others.

I take a glance at Y/N and make sure that she's still out. "She's actually well. Had a little breakdown of sorts but she's out of her room and talked for an hour or two. She's asleep on the couch currently."

"Really?" Clint perked up and hushed everyone as he put me on speaker. "So that means that it's all okay now?"

"I wouldn't say that yet... But, for the most part, things are looking up."

"That's really good, Buck." I could hear Steve smiling as he said that. "Thanks for helping her."

"Hey, Y/N's my best friend, the least I can do is help her." I chuckled when he scoffed and started ranting about how he searched all around the world for me for years. I would've said that I was kidding but, in the pit of my stomach, I knew that I wasn't: Everything about her is incredible and fascinating so I couldn't ask for a better roommate/partner. "She's starting to wake up, see you all when you get home."

Her lips turn up in a small grin as I walk over, a new mug brimming with her favorite tea. Her fingers are shaking as she reaches out, steam rolling off the edge, and wraps them around the the base of the glass. She's waiting to feel something as the dormant nerves knotted up in her heart start to kick in. Y/N's eyes dart to her reflection in the crystal coffee table and ties the corners of her mouth to her ears, showing off the agony and revulsion hidden behind a tightly wound smile as she asks, "Are you okay?"

"There's no way you're asking me that right now, you can't ask me if I'm okay when you're hanging on by a thread." By now, Y/N's heart is racing and the slow burn is coursing through her veins. She opens her mouth to spew vengeful words but I cut her off, "Y/N, you're going through one of the worst things in the entire universe so you aren't going to look like a supermodel but guess what? You're still better than they could _ever_ be. Don't put yourself down for looking weak because you're always stronger than what others believe."

Y/N stares at the glass as she stands, bundling herself up again with the knitted blanket from before, and lays her head on my shoulder as she places herself as close as possible without being on top of me. It still somehow feels like she's a mile away so I wrap my arm around her as she lays her legs over mine. Y/N closes her eyes and chuckles, "You know, sometimes I really hate you."

"You wish you did." I put on Netflix because that's somehow still a thing and choose the first Christmas movie that comes up, aware that it's only the middle of November and the first snow hasn't even made it's way to Canada yet but nothing makes people happier than something involving Santa Claus and reindeer. As the holiday songs play on, I learn that this is definitely Y/N's favorite time of the year and with every lyric she sings along to, whatever was wrong before switches teams. I hear when the team returns from their mission and when Nat enters into our living room, I indicate that everything's alright.

Once the movie ends, Y/N knows that it's finally time for lives in the Avengers Tower to return to their barely normal ways so we make our way up to the main floor. She plays with the cuffs of the sweater that drapes over her and her point of focus is on what she could say to possibly explain what happened.

"Hey, all you have to do is be there. You can even let me do all the talking if you want." I sputter out as the elevator stops but Y/N shakes her head.

"No, I can do this. They all deserve an explanation from me." Her eyes follow along as I take her hand into mine and she beams like a falling star. Change is on its way now and nothing could be better.

"Let's do this." She drops my hand as I move out of the lift and notice the rest of the group scattered around the floor. The whole place is lighter as Y/N steps into the room, everyone standing up to say their condolences or express their happiness that she's back. She's in the middle of the room once the words start to slip off her tongue, "Hey, guys. I'm sorry tha-"

"Oh, shut up." Wanda's the first one to tackle Y/N in a hug, not caring about the open wounds on her body from the mission. "We missed you so much."

We're all overcome with emotion as the realization of all the events over the past couple of months are taken in and the fact that Y/N is already family to us. The only action that comes to mind right now is surrounding the two women with my arms and pulling them into my chest. Our mosh pit of solicitude becomes more compact as we all understand that the past is past and we can only move the future. 

"I love you all." Y/N sobs, taking the leap of faith she needed to move on from shutting herself in to realizing she needs others.

" _We love you too_." Steve and Sam speak at once, like their patriotic fervor is in one intertwined soul that's split between the two different humans.

Yeah, the outcome of all this traumatic shit is the best thing to happen in a long time: All of The Avengers in a massive group hug, supporting and taking care of each other as they should.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am SO sorry!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> the past month was extremely busy because of school and lots of emotional drama PLUS with some added writer's block so that's why it took me an actual month to form this chapter and fit my expectations so WHOOPS but this is basically a filler chapter with some angst and fluff so i hope this makes up for the time lost ://
> 
> the next two chapters will be centered around the holiday season so make sure you put up your decorations and set out your ugly sweaters because it's cHRISTMAS TIME AND I'M READY TO DIE FROM AN EGG NOG OVERDOSE hopefully they'll make up for the long wait on this piece of shit i gave you lmao but i'll see you guys in a week or so! <3 (i have no idea when yikes)
> 
> hasta luego, my dudes!


	8. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Songs Of The Chapter: Fifth Harmony- That's My Girl (first half) and Rascal Flatts- I'll Be Home For Christmas (second half)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!! I HOPE YOU ALL ENJOY THIS SUPER LONG CHAPTER SO THAT'S WHY THERE'S TWO SONGS BECAUSE IT'S DOUBLE THE LENGTH!!!!
> 
> I LOVE U ALL
> 
> ...
> 
> Y/N - Your name.  
> Y/L/N - Your last name.  
> Y/F/C - Your favorite color.
> 
> i forgot if there's anything else oops

At 8:47 AM, I knew that it was supposed to be a fantastic Christmas Eve day: The final examination of my body this morning, going to the gym by my old apartment, a meeting with Steve and Bucky so Fury and Coulson can confront me about being able to go on missions tomorrow and how I have to be careful, and then having a small holiday celebration with my newfound family. I'm looking forward to my life returning to its unusual way and not having to hide from everyone.

It feels strange to have my feet hit the snow-covered New York streets for the first time in what seems like forever... The women from Frozen are now screeching in my brain and I hope they are in yours too.

The oceans of people flow within each other, only a very little amount of force is needed to move through the crumbling walkways. Most don't know or care who you are and that's comforting to me because, to be perfectly honest, I prefer to have strangers not know me for the sake of my or their life.

I scan my membership card that surprisingly still works and walk into the rec center with not a soul seeming to be around. I smile to myself as I move to the back of the room and pull on my gloves to begin what I came here to do. After working a speed bag for ten minutes, the glass door behind me silently opens. I catch my breath and return to beating up the skull-sized leather bag hanging in front of me. I try to block out the movement that's in the background but a worryingly large amount of anxiety is curled up in my stomach so I whip my body around to see Brandon not even two feet from me.

"Jesus fucking Christ, what are you doing here?" I feel exposed in front of my ex with only a black sports bra and leggings on but I'm not gonna let him know that.

"Was it worth it?" His amber eyes are glazed over while his fingers are trembling as he avoids my question, signs which he always experienced whenever he was about to breakdown. Just something I memorized over our time together, you know? "Are you who you want to be? Are you happy?"

"I am." I smiled awkwardly, hinting towards the fact that I didn't want to be talking to him right now but Brandon latches his hand around my arm.

"Do you think you could take me on in a fight?" He growls, furrowing his eyebrows. "That would prove to me that it was worth it."

What? The? Fuck?

"I really don't want to hurt you," I revolve so he can only see my back and to hide any expression on my face. "So, sorry, not gonna happen. Merry Christmas, pal."

"How could you even hurt me? You're barely half of my size..." Brandon sighs, knowing that those comments fire me up, and starts to make his way to the door. He swiftly turns around and throws a horribly off punch towards me but I immediately duck beneath it and counterattack with a strike to his face, causing blood to drip from his nose and him to stumble backwards.

Brandon collects himself and starts swinging like a maniac, trying to get his knuckles to at least brush my jaw, but I block every movement. From our teenage years, I always knew that he would never have a plan when it came to combat, which is a major advantage for me.

I pull a classic spy move and wrap my hands around his wrists, swinging myself upwards so that my thighs are tight around his neck.

"This wasn't exactly the way I was picturing you having your legs," He laughs bitterly, grabbing at my wrists. "Around my head."

As I'm already done with his bullshit, I catapult myself to the left and fly off of him, ricocheting Brandon's body along with mine in a somersault. I land on my feet while he crashes to the ground, giving me time to stand up and flee. I instantly grab my backpack and pivot myself to run to the door but I'm stopped by Brandon's frame blocking any chance of exit I have. I look into his bloodshot eyes and know what he wants to do, so I let him wrap his hands around my throat and dangle me in the air.

"You know," My words are compressed with his fingers crushing my windpipe but I continue to speak. "There's one t-thing that I never... Told you."

"And what's that, sweetheart?" Brandon has a glint of pleasure plastered on his lips, like he enjoys choking a girl out.

Gross.

My fingers are prying his own off of my neck while I smile into my next statement, "You c-could never be on top."

And with that, I pull my legs up and kick his dumb face in with as much force as I could. I do another back-flip and possibly land the most badass superhero landing that's ever happened while poor Brandon slams against the brick wall and drops to the floor. I instantly take my belongings and leave as force myself into the crowd. Turning into the backstreet next to where my ride is awaiting me, I start to jaunt to give myself some more confidence that he won't find me. I latch my hands onto the railing above me and climb up the side of the building as swiftly as possible. As I reach the rooftop, I hear the metal down below shifting because of the ungraceful footsteps landing on it. Out of fear of the worst, I stick my handheld in between my back and the band of my leggings and page my "chauffeur" to get the ride ready right now.

Staring out at the buildings behind me, I hear the beginning of different words start to form in his mouth as Brandon commands, "Turn around, Y/N."

I hesitantly make my way to face him until I notice his hand that's itching to hold the pistol in his pocket. Right as he takes it out, I pull mine out instantaneously and take two steps towards him. 

"Why do you have a gun?!" Brandon screeches and almost drops his onto the frosted ground.

I studied his now shaking shoulders (He's cold, scared, and also turned on it a way? Gross again.) and repeated to him, "Why do you have a gun?!"

"I asked you first!" Brandon cries.

"And I asked you second." I roll my eyes right before I throw him a classic glare, "Plus, you told me plenty of times about how you hated guns so I think you have more explaining to do."

He stayed silent until he muttered, "I don't know."

"That's what I thought." I grabbed my bag and threw into the alleyway below, with my Glock along with it. "Now, do yourself a favor, Brandon-"

"And what's that?" He cuts me off and I have to stop myself from puking in my mouth.

"Fuck off." I give him a short but sweet wink and somersault off the side of the building to the ground below.

Brandon doesn't know this but I land perfectly fine in the middle of the Quinjet that Natasha's been waiting for me in. The jet's completely cloaked but once we take off the ground, it's quite apparent that it's what he think it it is. I glance out of the window and see the six-foot something man red in the face as he shouts death threats at us.

"You have a very interesting taste in men." Nat chuckles as she points at my super-suit in the seat next to her.

"You've definitely got me there." I move to the back and change into the very thing that makes me happier than a show could... Which is a lot, to be honest. I pull my boots on and adjust my never-ending collection of weapons stored all over my body as we reach the S.H.I.E.L.D. facility. Natasha literally dropped me off and I winded all the way from the back of the building until I saw the two super-soldiers waiting for me up front.

"We thought you'd never get here." Steve's irreplaceable sarcasm dripped from his lips as we walked in.

"Not even a second and Mr. Star-Spangled Asshat has made an appearance." I take the lead in the triangular formation that we always end up in, even though it looks off because the two men behind tower over me. Everything is great until I spot the number one person I didn't want to see.

There's a certain worker here who has a sexual preference to women who could rip off his ballsack with one finger and he also loves to touch them in the wrong places at the incredibly wrong time: Fernando is your typical creepy co-worker who would be the culprit of these crimes and I can feel the flashbacks all over my body: His hands groping my shoulder as he stands right next to me; His eyes peering through my clothing with each step I take; His palm a print on my ass for three days after he decides to objectify just another part of me; His repulsive catcalls I hear almost everyday, and everything else about him. Speak of it, the last time I saw him, Steve and Bucky had to hold me back from actually attacking him.

I wasn't going to do anything to the prick until I saw him force himself onto our youngest intern. I turned around and saw that the 1940s men were just as enraged as I was, ready to kill Fernando in one second.

"Guys, please..." I looked up at them and felt the anger slowly boiling inside my gut. "Can I do something about this?"

Bucky took his icy eyes off of Fernando and quickly muttered, "We'll be with you.... But kick his ass, doll."

I plastered the biggest smile on my face as the three of us strutted over towards the two. Fernando's face lit up when he noticed the cleavage I made sure was showing and the fact that I was going to talk to him.

"Hey, sugar-tits... How are ya?" The words rolled off his tongue since he's said it to me time and time before.

He's absolutely disgusting.

"Nothin' much, but I got a surprise for you." I batted my eyes as I grabbed his hand, pulling him away from the distressed girl. She ran off immediately, most likely to quit her new job.

I dragged him into the abandoned interrogation room with Steve and Bucky tagging along in the shadows. A singular light shone on a silver table and I put him on the opposite side of it.

"You wanna see your surprise now?" I purred, placing my hands on the table and bending slightly.

"Oh, would I..." Fernando followed my actions and stuck his neck out to get the closest look at what my boobs could bring.

Pulling a complete 180 of what he thought was happening, I placed my hands behind his neck, swung myself over the desk, and slammed his head onto it. The sickening crunch his nose made matched his personality and it pleased me in the worst way. Pulling himself up, I peered into his glassy eyes until I was hit straight in the jaw by the creep. The blood that poured from the inside of my mouth when my teeth met it covered my teeth but I smiled anyway.

I channeled all the hatred I have for the man in every movement: I smashed my fist into Fernando's mug, used my forearm to snap his head up, and then elbow him right in the Adam's apple. He leaned against the peeling paint and clutched his throat as Bucky and Steve tried to hold me back.

Using both of their strength, I jerked myself legs upward and kicked him straight in the face. Bucky wrapped both arms around my chest as Fernando fell to the ground, clutching the desk's edge for his life.

"You're crazy, bitch!" Fernando hacked up blood with every breath as he climbed his way back up to my eye level.

I chuckled and spat the remaining amount of blood left from my cheek in his revolting features, "You have no fucking idea."

I put no battle against Bucky slumping me over his shoulder and carrying me out of the room as I shouted "Merry Christmas, you fucksicle!" as loud as I could muster up. Seeing Fernando slumped in a corner because he finally got what he deserved has to be the best Christmas present I have ever gotten... Or given.

The walk home was more entertaining than it was intended to be, with Bucky slipping on ice almost every other step and Steve and I screaming classic Christmas songs in the streets. It's kind of ironic that I'm celebrating my favorite time of year with my favorite people (Other than my best friend, Ti. I miss you, girl.). It makes me have an even bigger appreciation for the holiday and how it brings us all together, no matter who or what we are. Just a few months ago, I was this lowlife CIA agent that did all the dirty work for the corporation, and now I'm accomplishing my dreams.

I just remembered we never saw Phil and Nick. That's a battle for another day.

Our boots dragged in the soot-covered snow and I knew that Tony would probably bust a gasket once he'd see the blackened puddles on the marble tile but that wouldn't dare to be on our minds right now.

Bucky led me into our place and I gasped. With the limited amount of time that he had in the morning, he had managed to decorate our entire floor with tinsel, wreaths, and fake snow. Fairy lights were strung up around the room, framing the unlit Christmas tree that was in the corner. A box with a collection of ornaments sat right next to the tree, waiting to be opened.

"I thought we could start a tradition..." Bucky shrugged, hanging up stockings over the fake fireplace Tony had installed on each floor.

He got the message when I tackled him in the largest hug yet. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

"Hey, I know that you're a Christmas fanatic and I am too so I figured why not have something to bring us together more," Bucky flashed a grin and nudged me to go in my room. "Now, go get changed into something more festive."

It was only around three in the afternoon but I decided that any time is pajama time. I grabbed my old Captain America Christmas shirt and snowflake pants and hoped for the best within today.

I walked out, saw Bucky in Santa pajama pants with a Santa Bucky shirt on top, and I completely lost it (Considering that drawing of him was my favorite for years.).

Over the next fourty-five minutes, Bucky and I had a ball with personal ornaments that he had picked out over the past couple days and taking turns with refiling each other's glasses with the lightly spiked egg nog. The finished look was something pulled out of my dreams: a green Christmas tree with scattered twinkling lights and a singular color scheme, and a couple Marvel ornaments thrown into the mix.

Right as we finished, I ended up on Bucky's shoulders to place the silver star on the top of the tree and leave the finshing touch on our masterpiece.

"It looks a little lopsided, dontcha think?" Bucky remarked as I hopped off of him.

"I think the lopsidedness matches the spirit of our family," Placing my hands on my hips to overdramatize my motives and making my eyes water as much as humanly possible was something I was basically used to but it was difficult to keep the face when it came to him.

"Oh, c'mon..." He groaned as he finished off the almost empty bottle in one swig. "Fine, I'm sorry."

"That didn't sound very genuine."

"That's because it wasn't."

"You are an absolute grinch." I fell onto the couch and stared at the fluffy Rudolf the Reindeer socks covering my feet that were numb to the bone. "You're a mean one, Mr. Barnes."

"For fuck's sake, Y/N." He broke out into a fit of laughter and it was the most glorious sound my ears have ever heard. Have you ever picked out a voice that just instantly made you think of your favorite thing (Mine happens to be Christmas)? Bucky's voice is the hot chocolate on a cold winter's night, something that makes the best even better. "Let's go meet everyone upstairs to put up the main tree and make some cookies."

Once we got up there, I came to the conclusion that our decorations were miniscule to the tinsel that hung from every corner and the tens of boxes that were stacked in the middle of the room. There wasn't a single person who wasn't decked out in holiday gear and it brought even more cheer into the room.

"Why are all the Stark's so damn dramatic?" Bucky pretended to groan as he tossed a garland to the left.

I snatched the flying wreath from the air and set it on top of his brunet waves, laughing as I said, "You're just a grinch."

"Why are you like this, Y/N?"

"Oh, you love it." I huffed the words, extremely close to losing my composure by bursting into laughter.

"You're def-" Bucky snorted until he was cut off.

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!" Tony stood on top of his prized marble counter to get everyone's attention as he yelled. "Welcome to the Annual Avengers' Christmas! Whether it's your fifth or first year with us, we promise we're all a family!"

"Tonight's plan is to get the tree up and decorated, bake tons of cookies, and sing 'All I Want for Christmas is You' no less than five times. That last one was Clint Barton." Pepper sighed and motioned for Tony to get off the surface. "Everyone ready for some celebrating?"

A collective hurrah rang through the air as we all began to set the magnificent tree up. It was almost two Steve's tall and could possibly bring down this entire building if it decided to sway. The super-soldiers took care of most of the heavy lifting until Pepperony shot into the air with their totally awesome rocket boots to get the top on.

I just remembered that Wanda said something yesterday about two people paying an overdue visit here just for a couple hours tonight but I'm still completely out of clue of who they could possibly be... Anyways, snowflakes and orbs of many shades filled in the empty spaces as tinsel was wrapped around the tree. Bruce started to hand out ornaments that could melt a frost giant's heart: Every single one was meant for one of the Avengers. There were old Arc reactors for Tony and Pepper, plenty of arrows for Clint, a delicate ballet figurine for Natasha, and many others for the remaining few. There were multiple for each member but I didn't spot one that looked like anything related to me.

"Y/L/N! We have some things for you over here!" Vision hollered from the kitchen, holding Wanda's petite frame in his arms. She pushed a box over to me and I knew I should've bit my metaphorical tongue. Three glass adornments were right in front of my eyes: One was a fingerless glove that looked similar to mine; the second was a miniature and fake ebony Glock-26; and the third was a tiny Godzilla with Bucky's stupid metal arm.

I feel unprofessional because I almost start to sob but I mostly keep my composure.

"I guess that is your final initiation into the family," Wanda chuckles as she hands the colorful ornaments over to me and stares up into Vision's figurative eyes. The two have a connection that could never be matched by any other, considering their relationship is based upon shared feelings about saving humanity from the evil in the world. Her aching crimson blends with her lost brother Pietro's cerulean to create the middle ground of purple that covers Vision's form. They're each other's savior and lover in the most significant ways.

After I place my ornaments onto the tree, Sam turns off all the lights so that the setting sun and the staggered buildings are the only current sources of light. Steve is given the honor of plugging the eventual fire hazard into the wall but right as he reaches the socket, the elevator opens.

Two men are standing in the doorway: One with a playful glint in his irises, while the other is regal in every way possible.

"I told you, T!" The smaller man exclaims, an elvish grin plastered onto his lips. The brunet struts into the room, his arms filled with bags of presents as the second man chuckles from behind. "They did start without us!"

"You know, we should most likely introduce ourselves to the newest recruit to the Avengers..." He turns his head in my direction and Scott's shocked expression becomes the star of the show. The man who just spoke drags Scott towards me as he presents themselves, " I am T'Challa, known as king of Wakanda and the Black Panther. Next to me is Scott Lang, Ant-Man, or Bug Boy."

"I have never been referred to as Bug Boy in my entire career, so what the fuck, man?" Scott drops the bags as the entire floor erupts into laughter.

"It is just a joke, my friend!" T'Challa wipes a joy-filled tear from his eye while picking up the gifts that were spread out in front of him.

All of the Avengers and Pepper dropped what they were doing to welcome the guests into the houses, while Bucky and I drank wine behind them all. I guess my plan of trying to hide to avoid embarrassing myself in front of the other lifelong idols of mine but Steve called me over to chat with the two men. As I shook hands with T'Challa, Scott burst out, "I once had Natasha knock me out with a finger to the neck, yet I am still extremely intimidated by you, even though I don't know your name."

"Uh, thanks?" I warily smiled as Scott shrugged. "And I'm Y/N."

"It's definitely a compliment," Bucky called from the back. "Nat is one of the best assassins in the world. She's still behind me though."

She rolls her eyes and places her green-lacquered index fingernail extremely close to one of Clint's carotid arteries with her classic Romanov smirk. You could basically hear every ballsack in the room shrivel up while the females snickered at the idea of gods and geniuses fearing us.

Leaving that recent and possibly traumatic experience in the past, we all started to bake the eight different types of cookies that Tony said had to be made tonight.

Bucky and I were put on gingerbread duty, one making the dough while the other decorated (A completely unfair split of jobs). Thor and Bruce were on Rice Krispie Treat wreaths while Steve and Sam worked on the Peanut Butter Kiss cookies that they guilted Pepper into becoming vegan ones. T'Challa joined Wanda and Vision with waiting for the Christmas M&M sugar cookies to finish baking and staying on candy to make sure that Scott's fingers didn't steal anymore than what half the team had already taken. Tony and his favorite redhead kept four eyes on everything while Clint and Natasha took turns in telling everyone that they were doing it "WRONG!" in Trump's voice.

By the end of the night, we had over two hundred cookies that we're going to be donating to a bunch of charities tomorrow. A great feeling when you can truly be a hero.

"I do not know if this seems rushed," T'Challa stated while we were spread around the family room, ready to open presents from both of our guests tonight since they wouldn't be here tomorrow morning. "But Scott and I had thought that it would be nice to give you a Christmas gift to welcome you here."

"That's too kind of you both," I gasp as he hands me the small box, covered in snowflake wrapping paper. "Considering you guys don't even know me at all."

"We had some help from a certain ninety year-old handicapped assassin I tried to kill once or twice." T'Challa waved at Bucky from afar, conjuring a glare to form on the old man's face.

"It's actually three times and you are totally welcome." Bucky slung an arm over my shoulder as he was never not by my side and waited (un)patiently for me to open the present in my hands. Inside was the cutest snow globe that's been in front of my eyes, with small pictures of us in the center of it... But right in the middle of us was an extremely tiny Buckzilla figure with a Santa hat on.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me," I snorted as the fake snow whirled around in the glass sphere. "This is incredible."

"You like?" The two men leaning against the wall across from me lit up like the Christmas tree towering above us all.

I stood up and engulfed them in a ginormous hug, about ready to cry for the first time tonight, "I love it. Thank you so much."

I guess I must have spawned the idea of a group hug because, before I knew it, I was at the center. I know I've said (or thought) about it a lot, but I honestly couldn't be happier. Knowing that I'm part of their fantastically heroic family is the best Christmas gift that I could ever receive.

Soon after handing out and opening the rest of Scott and T'Challa's gifts, it was time for them to leave. It was already ten o'clock at night and the two of them had a long ride back to their homes. T'Challa had already left because even the Quinjet couldn't get him back to Wakanda before Christmas Day arrived but he wished us all a happy holiday and said he'd be back to fight or celebrate with us sometime soon.

"I would totally stay with you guys," Scott gave Cap a hand shake and stared at his muscles for an embarrassingly long time but was still the perky man as before. "But I got a Pym Party waiting for me to crash."

The apartment was quieter now, with the little get-together dying down and many of us returning to our floors to sleep until Clint wakes us all up by climbing in the vents and shouting Christmas puns. Bucky and I put away all the cookies and straightened up the flour-covered kitchen with Steve and Sam goofing around like the ridiculously adorable people they are.

"Ten bucks that they're together." Bucky whispers in my ear and it gives me Vietnam flashbacks to just a couple weeks before when two guys made a $50 bet on us... They're totally dating though.

"I agree with you, so invalid bet." I stick the last box of cookies on the counter for us and punch him in the side, causing Bucky to flinch. Fun fact: Almost all Super-Soldiers are ticklish since the serum heightens everything in their bodies.

"You're a pain in the ass." Bucky rolls the sapphires in his eyes and wishes goodnight to the rest as we make our way to our floor.

"Just because I have a great ass?" I scoff, "Tragic."

Bucky opens the door for me and takes the box from my hands, laughing as he says, "Y/N, you're too much for me."

He set out the cookies on a porcelain dish with a glass of milk on the coffee table in front of us as I put on The Santa Clause. Placing ourselves on the couch, I stared at the golden lights strung all around the room, heightening the childlike happiness in my heart as they flickered with each other. Everything was syncopated to my favorite Christmas song, which made me wonder if Bucky heard all the times I hummed the lyrics to myself.

It was four in the morning when I realized we fell asleep on each other. A Christmas Carol played in the background as I moved into my room to grab the presents I had managed to collect during my one day off.

When I went back into the family room, Bucky was gone. I rushed to hide my gifts under the tree and start a pot of tea to look as inconspicuous as possible. My back was turned as he creeped out of his room, arms filled with presents as he tried to be as stealthy as possible.

He must have seen me waiting in the kitchen because he calls from behind me, "Feliz Navidad, idiota."

"Счастливого Рождества, Подонок." I hop onto the countertop and take careful sips of the holiday brew in my hands.

"Ik denk dat je vergat ik ben meertalig..."

"Ja też!"

Bucky groans as he pulls out a small box from behind his back, "Μπορείτε πραγματικά να ενοχλήσει εμένα."

"You shouldn't have!" I sarcastically exclaim, whipping out the present I left next to me. Handing it to my best friend, I remembered how hard I worked to find the perfect thing to show how much the asshole meant to me.

The wrapping Bucky did was simple but intricately done: Christmas colors bundled up the package while silver and Y/F/C fabric intertwined in ribbons topped it all off. I carefully unwrapped the gift and opened it to see a sterling chain with a dainty star and moon in the middle of it. I gasped instantly, "Oh, Bucky..."

"I thought that I should probably get something nice for you, considering how much I tend to joke around with you." He scratched his head and... was blushing? That's too cute.

"Before I start crying," I stated while I couldn't contain my happiness. "You have to open yours now."

"A piece of paper? A collar-" Bucky's face lit up with confusion when opened his present. I had decided to get him the one thing that came to mind when I thought of him and what he truly needed: Someone to help. Bucky suddenly stopped in his tracks and stared right into me. "What did you do?"

"You'll figure out a little bit later on but, for now, we should meet everyone upstairs." I smiled at the brooding man in front of me and started to gather presents into my arms.

Since Bucky is 1/4 of Colossus, he managed to carry everything else that I couldn't.

Everyone, by the time we got up there, was semi-awake and ready to tear into the gifts we all worked hard on. The couples in the Avengers were all cuddled up in each other, most likely taking in the fact that no one had died this year that I know of.

It made me kind of sad to see the pairs in a love that could be thought of as disgusting because of how cute it is: Tony and Pepper, Wanda and Vision, Sam and Steve, and probably more... They are all so happy together.

I can't do this to myself. I can't play into the stupid bet between Steve and Clint. I can't fall for Bucky, because God knows I'd mess that up real quick.

"Y/N..." Speaking of the devil, Bucky noticed my daydreaming. "What's wrong?"

I brush off the Civil War that's going on in my mind and take a seat on the loveseat beside me, "I'm waiting for you to sit your ass down and for us all to dig into these presents!"

Boxes and bags are passed around the room until they get to their designated human, bestowing the holiday spirit into the most unjolly. Wanda uses her powers to make the process slightly less difficult while we figure out how we should open the presents. Bruce suggests that we should all go in a circle and open our gifts from the chosen person so we start off with him.

The Incredible Banner decided to give us all mugs with an elemental symbol for ourselves (Thor legitimately got Thorium. How badass.) and then told Clint it was his turn while he was nose-deep into his coffee. Apparently the hawk and the widow decided to do joint gifts for everyone this year so each of us either got a personalized knife or arrow, both useable in the field.

Steve sat merrily as his gifts were opened, which were either earrings or watches with mini-shields of his on them, while Sam told everyone to open his up too... His were the exact same but with his super-cool Falcon symbol on them.

Tony convinced Pepper to let their presents be given as one entity too, which were all tiny figurines of them holding pepperon(y)i pizza. He's a fucking dork when it comes to Pepper and ditto goes for her. Thor decided on letting us all have plaques made out of Asgardian metal with the first uplifting words he personally said to us engraved in it. I swear on my life Bucky wiped away a tear when he read his.

Vision and Wanda gave their presents separately: Hers being intricate portraits of us she made during her time off, his were matching sweaters with our personal symbols for us all in the center of them.

Bucky's gifts were more heartfelt than anyone could have predicted. He hand-wrote each of the original Avengers a card explaining how thankful he was for them and how they brought him into the family. Each of them got pairs of fuzzy socks and a Bucoupon for one personal favor from the world's favorite male assassin.

I was the last one to have their presents opened so I decided on giving a miniature speech to thank everyone and explain the gift, "I just want to say that these past few months have been a dream come true for me. I never thought that I'd be working alongside my childhood heroes, let alone sitting in a room on Christmas Day with them. You all believe in me, or at least partly, so I settled on giving you all something I believe in. Truly, I love you all. Merry Christmas."

They all got a shadow box collage I made with the comic book versions of themselves and a small piece of paper that had my favorite quote of theirs written in calligraphy. It wasn't much, but I thought it was pretty good.

"You two are officially the suckers of the group," Tony's voice shook as he brushed away the pure joy that fell from his eye. "Fuck you both."

"Y/N, you want to give him his gift now?" Wanda not very nonchalantly whispered into my ear as I nodded my head slightly. I moved out of the room and picked up his real present. "Bucky, I need you to shut your eyes because you're the only one who doesn't know about this."

"I swear, Y/N, if I'm being sent to Hydra in a dog collar, I will hunt you down-" Bucky's voice halted as he heard the tiniest bark come from the kitchen. His eyelids shot open and he bolted towards me as he saw the German Shepherd puppy with a gigantic red bow on his furry head on the granite countertop.

"His name is Serge, short for Sergeant." My face flushed a deep crimson as Bucky's eyes welled up as he peered into mine. "Merry Christmas!"

Bucky lifted me into the air and swallowed me in a hug, restricting my airflow but it really didn't matter. What really meant the world to me was the fact that he kept repeating 'thank you' and 'I love you' into my ears as he held me up in the air, meaning I pulled the surprise off pretty well.

Bucky set me down and immediately picked up the fluffball, "I wonder where you got the idea for the name from..."

"Let's just say, James Buchanan Barnes, I'm with you 'til the end of the line and so is this rascal." I shrugged as I played with Serge's itsy bitsy paws that rested on Bucky's chest.

"STOP STEALING MY LINES, Y/L/N!" Steve called from the other room as Bucky wrapped his vibranium arm across my shoulders. We were both as red as holly berries but I don't think either of us could be happier.

"FUCK OFF!" Buck and I yelled back as little Serge yipped in agreement as the whole floor erupted into laughter.

Welcome to the best Christmas I ever had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations:
> 
> Feliz Navidad, idiota - Merry Christmas, idiot (Spanish)
> 
> "Счастливого Рождества, Подонок - Merry Christmas, bastard (Russian)
> 
> Ik denk dat je vergat ik ben meertalig - I guess you forgot, I'm multilingual (Dutch)
> 
> Ja też - I also (Polish)
> 
> Μπορείτε πραγματικά να ενοχλήσει εμένα - You really annoy me (Greek)
> 
> \---
> 
> hey guys! happy holidays! 
> 
> i am VERY happy that i managed to finish this chapter the day of Christmas so you all could have this as a gift from me! i'll be on vacation for a couple of weeks so i wanted to make sure that you all had something to tide you all over until i got back so i hope this is worthy enough.
> 
> this is definitely my favorite chapter to this date, solely because i really love Christmas and the fact that Bucky now has a puppy since i couldn't refrain from doing that to myself... all the presents really made me laugh too.
> 
> i also want to say that I am very thankful for you all and all the support that this story has gotten considering i thought that this wouldn't get anything on here and also for letting me write whatever comes to my mind and not shame for what comes out into here! i truly hope that this story continues to be one that people don't hate!
> 
> overall, i'm just very happy that i'm here on this site because the past year has not been easy for me in any regards so writing angsty passages about super-soldiers tends to help me out. sorry to you all. 
> 
> but Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, everyone! let's make sure 2017 doesn't suck as much as 2016!
> 
> hasta luego, my dudes <3


	9. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song of the Chapter: In the Blood- John Mayer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> long time no see, everyone! 
> 
> i'll explain why i haven't posted in more detail in the note at the end but i've missed you all so much! i hope that these next two chapters will make up for my disappearance because they are honestly the most fun ones that i've conjured up in my opinion!
> 
> the theme of these next chapters go depth regarding your feelings towards bucky and there's a few new characters that i love to death!
> 
> have fun reading!
> 
> \---
> 
> Y/N = Your name. 
> 
> Y/L/N = Your last name.
> 
> Y/B/F = Your best friend's name.
> 
> Y/H/T = Your home town.
> 
> Y/H/S = Your high school.

It's only been a week and Serge is the best thing to happen to this building. Although he's still considered a puppy, he had begun training for Manhattan Police's K-9 unit but there were a surplus of dogs who had been entered. Serge ended up being one of fifteen dogs that had been dropped off at a pound and was the last one remaining at the facility but, now, he's happily sleeping on one of the mats in the gym while Bucky lifted weights and I fought against a battle simulator. It projects synthetic agents that has the training of Hydra agents, which Tony duplicates every mission he goes on. I take advantage of this machine, obviously whenever Natasha isn't using it, and utilize bits and pieces of hidden skills to defend myself and get through the program as soon as possible but this time was different.

Coulson gave me a new device that looks awfully close to a short pair of nunchucks (to a professional agent), but it acts as a retractable grappling hook and an extremely powerful magnet that releases with a modified button / thumb-scanner, all made out of Adamantium.

Hard to explain but seriously cool.

Three more clones appeared about fifteen meters away from me and I knew that it was now or never to test this gadget so I quietly whispered to myself, "Please, please, _please_ work." and started to run forward.

I snatched the appliance from my utility belt, held onto one side, and threw it to a steel pipe that stretched across the room as it swung me through the air. As I was suspended, I pressed my thumb onto the power switch and the clamp immediately opened as I kicked the first Hydra reproduction in the head, causing him to fly into the cement wall as he dissipated into animated fragments.

I planted my feet on the ground and began more hand to hand with the agents. I quickly pulled out my gun that wasn't loaded and "shot" a bullet at the figure farthest away from me. As he dropped to the floor, I ended up with my thighs locked around the last Hydra duplicate as I sat on his shoulders. Using the second adjustment that Phil developed, I prayed to myself that it wouldn't work on me as  I pressed the two small buttons on my brand-spankin' new fingerless gloves and gave the figure about 45,000 Volts straight to the neck.

The man beneath me splintered away as I somersaulted onto the ground, taking a deep breath as my practice finally ended. A slow clap sounded from behind and I was attacked by a puppy bouncing onto my back, attacking my sweat-drenched face with kisses.

"He thinks you did a great job," Bucky rambled as he offered me a Vibranium hand and scooped up Serge with his other. "But I think that you could work on your footwork a bit more."

"Thanks a lot, asshat, but not all of us have decades to perfect all of our movements." I rolled my eyes as Bucky wiped a hand across my forehead and nudged to my fists as Serge wiggled in his grasp. After shutting off my newest handheld weapons, I felt my bracelet buzz as Fury's voice poured through the speakers in it: "Y/N, Barnes, you have a mission together. Both of you idiots need to meet Coulson and I in the debriefing center as soon as possible...Which means _now."_

As we began to sprint towards our bosses, Bucky mocked Fury under his breath until he heard the man spit back, "James, if you still wanna a job under your belt for the next few years, I suggest you don't talk shit when you know damn well I can still hear you."

That caused me to almost tumble to the ground in a fit of laughter because I could see the man in charge rolling his one eye at the common trope of James Buchanan Barnes being a smart ass. I managed to only let a snort escape as Bucky began to mimic me as well but, luckily for him, we found Coulson and Fury before I could even lift my arm to retaliate. Both of the men had a look planted onto their faces of uncertainty, more likely about the fact that Bucky and I tend to bicker a lot.

"First of all, you both have to take this mission seriously: lives could be at stake and Y/N could have the worst high school reunion ever." Coulson stated as he handed us papers regarding plane tickets and living accommodations in Y/H/T.

"You have got to be kidding me." I groaned beneath my breath as I flipped through the sheets withholding our covers and more, "I'm being forced to go to my own fifteen year high school reunion."

Bucky rose his vibranium hand as he asked, "And what role am I playing in this?"

"If you actually read, maybe you would've graduated high school and went to _your_ reunion, Barnes," Fury's temper rose as Bucky flashed him an unapologetic grin. "But you're playing her boyfriend or fiancé or whatever the hell you wanna do. _I don't care._ I just want the mission to be completed successfully without any trace of us left behind."

"Speaking of the mission, what is it exactly?" I looked to Coulson for a rope to get out of this one but he just smiled at me. With a disgusting amount of pleasure within his words, he explained that we're only going to my school because they got a lead that involved Hydra. Members and ex-Y/S/M were planning on 'burying the hatchet' against their old classmates and also probably know that there's an agent between the hundreds of kids who graduated. We'll be traveling there tonight on a normal airplane and will have a day and a half to prep and gather as much information as possible and etcetera.

"You have about three hours to get packed and head to the airport because your flight leaves at eight forty-five." Fury cracked his neck and spoke monotonously as he pushed us towards the elevator, "Don't mess this up."

As Bucky and I entered, he seemed on edge so I asked if he was alright but he softly replied with "I was drafted before I got the chance to finish school" and fell into a comfortable silence. In my mind, I started planning what I would bring and what should definitely stay. Obviously I'll bring all my weapons because that's a great way to make it past security. As soon as we reached our floor, I messaged both Nat and Wanda for immediate help regarding packing, because I knew if I didn't clarify that someone would end up reaaally hurt. They were already on their way up because Bucky asked Natasha if she'd help _him_ out with packing. Wanda told me that the two of them were close because of their time in the Red Room, but since I overreact and self-depreciate, I decided that it was because they're in love and have secretly been this entire time.

The Sokovian said that I was being completely stupid but, if I thought that was true, I should look my best to show Bucky what he's missing even though I don't have a thing for him and never ever will.

Or maybe not.

The both of us spent thirty minutes rummaging through my closet for training, casual, and formal wear but couldn't find anything for the last category that could catch anyone's eye. When Wanda waltzed out of my room, she mentioned that there was plenty of things in her closet that I could look at but I was probably too muscular to fit into any of it, which was a first to hear. As I finished collecting my necessities and shoved the even more important things into my carry-on, I heard a quick multitude of taps on my door. I thought about whipping out a small firearm in the instance of the worst case scenario, but I remembered that Daisy Johnson can't even hack into the security system in here. To my surprise, there was a box in front of me with a quickly scribbled paragraph on it, saying:

_Y/N-_

_I hope that this meets your standards of an 'eye-catcher'. I know it's your size because I am a professional spy and know that you're the same as me._

_I've never worn it because I haven't had the right occasion to wear something like this for but you do. Wear it with pride and kick some Hydra ass in it because it's the perfect shade of crimson to mask our enemies' blood and is highly flexible material._

_Have fun, stay safe, and make sure James doesn't blow this for us. He's a spaz when it comes to certain missions and women like you._

_Nat._

I grabbed the cardboard and shut my door in case Natasha was sitting in the living room, most likely waiting to see if I'd freak out, and because of the incredibly homosexual crush that has been sitting in my mind for over fifteen years, that definitely happened. When I lifted its cover, the beauty of what was inside astonished me: it was a scarlet silk, sleeveless halter / choker evening gown that had a thigh high slit on the right. It was stunning and I felt awful for the fact that it may be ruined in the next couple days.

Dread crept into the pit of my stomach and I realized that we only had half an hour before we had to leave, so I folded the dress carefully at the bottom of my suitcase, filled it up with everything else I needed, and met Bucky in front of the elevator.

Looking effortlessly attractive with aviators and a Cubs baseball cap collaborating with his grey hoodie and distressed jeans, he smiled and snatched my travel bag from my grasp. I rolled my eyes and sighed as I thought about going back to Y/H/T where I would most likely see my friends after eight years of not saying a word to them, see my sister that messaged me almost everyday until she realized I'd never respond, and risk seeing the one guy that I truly never wanted to see again. I didn't notice that my heart was racing until Bucky put a hand on my shoulder, "Y/N, what's wrong? Do you want to go on this mission? I can ask Fury to use a photo simulator-"

"Bucky, I'm _fine_." I mumbled, shaking my head at my stupidity. "I just remembered that I forgot my toothbrush."

"We can go back upstairs and grab it," He checked the time on his Stark phone and grinned. I know that he knew that I was lying to him but Bucky also knew that I don't talk about my issues unless I have a breakdown. "We still have ten minutes until we have to be on the road."

"I can just buy a new one, I've been meaning to get one anyway."

"You should get one that has Spiderman on it," He opened the passenger door for me and pointed a vibranium finger at me. "I love that Parker kid."

"He probably loves you and your metal arm too." I remarked. He stuck his tongue out at me and loaded our luggage into the trunk of the Audi R8 that Tony graciously let us borrow for three hours until he would come to pick it up before anyone stole the car with the plates 'IR0N MAN' on it. He's a very low-key man.

The airport was only ten minutes away so we arrived about forty minutes before we could start boarding on the plane. In that time, we made it through airport security with the only issue of Bucky's arm being metal but irremovable and I made him try Starbucks for the first time in his almost one hundred years of life. He wasn't a fan.

We were flying first class because Tony said, and I quote, that he didn't want us to be "complete savages" so we got to our seats (Bucky claimed the window because people wouldn't be able to see his arm as easily so I got the luck of sitting on the outside) relatively quickly and began relaxing. The plane took off soon after and we were on our way to the one place I did not want to be. We were handed fancy water bottles and began planning what we'd do the first day we were there. Bucky settled for training, showing him around my town, and more planning. He started dozing off while watching Toy Story and I continued reading the mission plan, sneaking glances at the sleeping man, until I acknowledged the elderly woman gazing at us.

When she noticed that I saw her actions, her cheeks flushed as she spoke, "I'm so sorry for staring, I just remember when my husband and I were like the two of you."

I gagged on my words and began to explain, "Oh no, ma'am. We aren't together, we're just-"

"You aren't with him? It sure seems like it..." She looked over to the man next to her, eyes closed and head resting on her shoulder, and smiled softly. "He seems special."

"Well, he kinda is." I was worried that Bucky would wake up at any moment but he was completely unconscious and wasn't going to be up anytime soon.

"Then why aren't you dating?" She then asked a follow up question, "What's stopping you?"

I thought for a moment and came upon a conclusion, "Nothing it seems."

The woman beamed as she declared, "Exactly... Oh, I completely forgot to introduce myself! I'm Leslie and the one next to me is Gary."

I shook her hand and informed her of Bucky's and my name. We spent most of the trip talking about the men next to us and Leslie gave me important advice about our 'relationship' currently: "You already know that he cares about you and you know you care about him, now all you have to do is stop hiding from each other."

Bucky woke up about twenty minutes before we would land so my conversation with Leslie ended with her handing me her number on a slip of paper and winking at me while mouthing ' _Good luck_ '. We touched down soon after and I parted ways with Leslie. As Bucky and I strayed farther away from her and her husband, I knew that the two of them were still absolutely smitten with each other after the fifty-seven years they've been together. Bucky used his elbow to bump my arm to get my undivided attention since I wasn't listening to him ramble about which one of us would be Woody and who would be Buzz, "Whatcha looking at?"

"Nothin', just making sure I didn't leave anything." I looked up at him and jerked my body so that he stumbled to the left seats, laughing as I moved past him.

We soon collected all of our bags and started searching for the man with our names on a poster. Apparently he's a man that worked along side him while the original S.H.I.E.L.D. was intact but Fury wouldn't disclose his name to me. As we continued searching for him, Bucky asked me what our relationship was (which nearly gave me a heart attack) and I said the easiest would be the fake boyfriend / girlfriend trope (which caused him to turn a dark red) but he agreed to it.

Bucky said that he saw our names and pointed to a curly-headed brunet who looked like an overexcited puppy who held hands with a girl who looked alike him but with straight hair.

We dropped our bags and shook hands with the two of them as the mystery man introduced himself, "Hello, the name's Leopold Fitz and this is my wife, Jemma. I'm Scottish and she's British and we _had_ level 5 clearance before Director Fury decided to hand things to Coulson and then everything went downhill-"

Jemma cut him off with a tap to the ankle and said, "What Fitz is failing to say is that we're delighted to be helping you out with your mission."

The boys collected the bags, which I still wasn't happy about, and we got into their Mercedes-Benz for the hour long drive to my hometown and their home. The two of them were lively and filled to the brim with happiness as they talked about their time in S.H.E.I.L.D., considering the training school is where they met.

I had so many questions for the two of them, since they weren't field agents, but one was really sticking out to me, "So, why are you guys living in Y/H/T?"

Fitz looked into Jemma's gleaming eyes when he answered, "When we actual S.H.I.E.L.D. agents, we got to travel the world constantly but never got to actually see it. We visit the US's biggest cities, like Chicago or Detroit, and rent a house for a couple of months in a town nearby it so we can experience it."

I looked over to Bucky, who was trying not to burst out and say how stupid that he thought all of it was, and responded with, "And is that the truth?"

"Nope, not at all. We're actually still agents, who are together, that are working for Fury and Coulson, who are together, and we moved all the way here just for this three day long mission of yours." Jemma retorted and then broke into anxious laughter. "Of course it's real! Totally! Couldn't... _Not_ be!"

Bucky rolled his eyes and said, "You both would make awful field agents.", and the two scientists agreed. As the ride continued, Jemma talked to us some more about how Daisy Johnson is still cooler than all four of us combined and Fitz made sure that we didn't get killed before the mission even started, in case the traffic sensor he installed stopped working. Once we arrived to their house, the area was familiar but it made me feel like I was actually home.

We collected our luggage and brought everything into the room that they set up for us. It was a quaint room with grey walls and a matching California King-sized bed, relatively normal considering there's been night where I've slept in trees like Katniss. Fitz set down my bags and sat on a meager black futon as he spoke, "Hope you both don't mind sharing a room, since this _is_ the only extra. But, in the closet, we have everything that you two might need: guns, cloaked and not, knives, splinter bombs, etcetera. You name it, we most likely got it."

Bucky took hold of Fitz's almost microscopic hand (compared to Bucky's) and shook it with might as I gave a quick hug to Jemma, thanking them both for their hospitality. Jemma decided to send Fitz and Bucky to chop some wood for the fireplace tonight, because we knew it'd take the stubborn men awhile to do the task, while we made dinner and chatted with each other.

"So," Jemma started to ask while chopping up a carrot. "What are things between you and James?"

For the second time today, I gagged on my tongue as I clarified that Bucky and I were not together and most likely never would be, considering 1) he's almost a hundred and I'm barely thirty, 2) we met only a couple of months ago, and 3) I'm a repulsive human being... But I didn't say that last part to Jemma.

"Wait, so you mean to tell me that you aren't dating him? Jesus Christ, Y/N..." Jemma dropped her vegetables into a pot of water and began butterflying and seasoning rib eye steaks to keep her mind off of whatever she wanted to confront me about.

"What? What'd I do?" I inquired, wondering if Jemma managed to start hating me in the two hours I've known her.

Jemma set down the kitchen blade in her hand and sighed like she was about to go on a long tangent, "Y/N, it's what you _aren't_ doing. You know, I was once in the same situation with Fitz about three years ago..."

"Really?"

"Yes, we both loved each other but never had the guts to tell the other our feelings because, even though he's an engineer and I'm a xenobiologist, we aren't the best when it comes to emotions." Jemma continued to slice the bleeding meat as she spoke but her movements halted as she said, "And then I almost lost him- scariest thing in my entire life- but it led to us finally telling each other about how we felt and now we're here, a year into our marriage."

I released my potatoes into the boiling water, "You guys have known and been friends with each other for years though. I've only known Bucky for about eight months."

Jemma chuckled underneath her breath and replied, "At least you aren't denying that you have feelings for him..."

"Oh shit, no. Wait-"

"Y/N, you can't even deny the fact that you feel something for him. I see the way you look at him and the way he looks at you... You remind me of when Fitz and I were twenty year-olds," Jemma placed the rest of the food in the oven and took a seat next to me while I crushed the cooked spuds with more force than I should be using. "But the amount of time you spend with someone rarely is important when it comes to love. It all depends on reciprocated feelings... And, technically, Bucky is thirtyish because all of the cryogenic sleep that he endured."

I sat there for a minute, thinking about her science, until I spoke softer than I intended, "Do you really think that he could feel the same?"

"Truthfully," Jemma stared out the window at Bucky and Fitz chatting and taking turns slinging an axe, catching her love's eye and blowing a kiss to him. She fidgeted with her 'ear' until she heard something that caught her full awareness and a tiny grin formed on her lips. "I never base anything I do on instincts, but I am willing to bet loads that Bucky does feel the same about you."

I chuckled softly and took a glance at Bucky's figure, "Let's hope that that's true because I think I'd probably die from the heartache if he didn't."

"You're a professional spy, Y/N, you've gone through loads worse."

We finished cooking dinner and started setting up the table while the two boys started cleaning themselves up and argued about who chopped more wood. All four of us were easily entertained with Jemma and Fitz's play-fighting about who's the better cook out of them and old stories about missions. It was like having the Avengers around but with less death threats and fear of being discovered. Towards the end of the night, I felt my cellphone ring for the first time in months, considering anyone who wants to talk to me usually does it through my ear piece. I excused myself from Fitz's weapon demonstration room and took the call.

" _Is this Y/N Y/L/N?_ " A familiar voice poured through my speakers and I had the sudden urge to hang up immediately and run away to the Barbados. " _Hello? Is anyone there?_ "

"Y/N speaking, who is this?" I hesitated to ask anything else in fear that Hydra could be calling my cellphone.

" _Oh my god, it's actually you. Y/N, it's Y/B/F!_ " With every word that came from her, it brought me closer to tears. I never realized how much I truly missed my friends after eight years of disappearing one day and never saying a single thing to them again. Y/B/F was one person who I never got over leaving, other than my sister, but I knew that she would understand. " _Okay so instead of spending ten hours talking to you, I know you're most likely busy so I'm just gonna say: Are you going to the reunion tomorrow?_ "

My breath halted in my chest until I knew I had to respond, "Yeah, I'm going. I'm bringing a... I guess you could say plus one as well."

" _That's awesome! I know that I and everyone else can't wait to see you and whoever he or she is tomorrow night!_ " Y/B/F went silent until she spoke once last time, a tone of heartbreak in her statement. " _We've missed you so much, Y/N... Where have you been?_ "

My voice shuttered as I avoided her question and cut the conversation in half, "Trust me, I've missed all of you too. I'll try to explain everything as much as I can tomorrow. See ya then."

I ended the call and promptly went back to the other three people who weren't even trying to stay away from hitting each other with magnetic knives but, hey, what would I know? I could see the jet lag starting to creep onto Bucky's face as he threw the blades at a bullseye and started to miss the center. I used my bracelet to contact him, instead of jumping out in front of him and risking a premature death, because Tony linked ours together when he first gifted them.

Bucky and I bid goodnight to Fitzsimmons (How cute?!) and decided on not worrying about sharing the bed with each other, considering how many times I've ended up laying on him when I've fallen asleep on the couch. We still kept our distance from each other, Bucky making sure that he said sorry at least three times whenever he shifted his weight in bed and I watched my arm movements so that I didn't accidentally punch him in the face because of a ridiculous dream. The overall atmosphere in our room wasn't anything close to the stereotypical awkwardness that you would expect from a situation like this; I didn't have to hold my breath because I thought my lungs were overreacting and it seemed that Bucky was somewhat calm for once in his century long life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> once again, hey guys!!!
> 
> i'm so sorry that i haven't posted in so long but let me explain why: 1) i was on vacation and, boy, was that a busy but extremely fun time, 2) school has been more difficult with finals approaching in less than a month and ap exams this month so i'm really freakin' stressed, 3) i had a little bit of writer's block so it had taken me awhile to draw up the idea for these chapters, and 4) lacrosse started in feb and that's a major time commitment! 
> 
> but, hey! i'm back and once school is over at the end of may, i'll be able to post more regularly and finish this story that means the world to me (considering i already know what's happening in the last two chapters ;D)
> 
> regardless, i hope you all enjoyed this slightly longer chapter and are willing to stick with me until this work is over!
> 
> hasta luego, my dudes!!


	10. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song Of The Chapter: Nick Jonas - Under You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the lyrics to this song don't really go with the chapter but the music does so whatever
> 
> but i told you all that i would be updating in may!!! let's just hope that this schedule of updating once a month sticks because this summer is for sure going to be a crazy one lmao
> 
> enjoy the chapter :D

When the alarm I set for six in the morning blared, I noticed Bucky's arm draped over my waist and, to be honest, I didn't want him to move it but, like all good things in the world, they come to an end (Usually without a 260 pound assassin falling out of bed and then giggling out of embarrassment). The two of us spent the first four hours of our dawn eating food that Jemma prepared for us in the evening and training while in our footwear for the evening: Bucky gets the advantage of dress shoes that have a memory foam cushion but the disadvantage of an inch and a half added to his height, while I get to show off my incredible calves in stilettos. (I even had the fun task of running three miles on a treadmill with them on.) We sparred against each other and made sure not to leave any bruises on areas that my old colleagues could easily spot.

"I could still hit you in the stomach, like you did to me a month ago." Bucky tried to copy my move but I fired back at him with a simple elbow to his kidney, keeping him down for a good ten minutes like it did the first time.

After having _another_ phone call with Clint and Natasha about what's acceptable to hide in my clutch (throwing knives) and what is definitely not (nunchucks), I realized that it was almost one in the afternoon. I made no effort to rush but had to start getting ready since Bucky told me to be all set by five, even though the reunion officially starts at seven. I left his bruised ass and bathed, shaved, dried and styled my hair, so that it was fashionable yet battle ready, in about ninety minutes but the most amount of my time was spent by struggling to do my make-up and then succumbing to Jemma's pleads from the room beside mine. She used techniques all the way from 2017 like baking and blending until my eyelids almost bled, turning me into some sort of goddess, like Aphrodite. I finished off the look with some diamond earrings and a crystallized version of my bracelet, courtesy of the Black Panther himself.  After slipping into Natasha's / my gown, I placed my heels onto my feet and took a full look at myself in the mirror. Out of the eight years I've been doing missions, I have never gone to a gala or any type of occasion that would lead me to glam myself up like this. 

Jemma peeked her petite head from the door and squealed as she saw me twirl around in the fabric, blabbering on about how she wished that Fitz would have let them wed in an actual church and not at the underground S.H.I.E.L.D. base when it was still there. As it turns out,  I actually am a master planner and had myself perfected thirty minutes before Bucky would call for me, so I decided on loading up my weapons and fixing everything I had on. I strapped my thigh holsters for both of my Glocks, making sure that you couldn't see the one on my right as it had the opening for my leg, and hid my gloves in my handbag while Jemma helped me touch up the blackened red lipstick I just swiped on and adjusted the custom bulletproof vest that Fitz had been developing for about three months. He wanted me to test it out tonight to see if it worked and said that if it didn't work, I have his full encouragement to haunt his ass forever.

I heard a reticent knock on the door-frame, collected the tickets I printed out in order to get into my old high school, and then opened the door to see a version of Bucky that I thought I would never see: his normally wild chestnut locks were slicked back and tied at the bottom of his neck with some disorderly pieces framing the sides of his stubbled cheeks, his ebony suit and scarlet tie that matched the shade of my gown were fit to his body as perfect as it could be, and everything about him fried the neurons in my brain.

It seemed that I had the same effect on Bucky because the words he had planned in his head stumbled from his lips and his cheeks reddened as he choked out a single word, "Wow."

"Wow yourself," I brushed off his comment and I adjusted his jacket as he smirked, falling back into the overly cocky man he is. "You actually clean up good for a goon."

"Now that's just mean, considering it's coming from nerd like you-" He would have continued but was cut off by a groan behind him.

"Would you two just fuckin' get a room? Ow, for Christ's sake!" Fitz grumbled as Jemma smacked his chest, getting him to say what she wants. "I guess what I'm _trying_ to say is that you both look great but need to head out before you lose any more time."

Jemma grinned as she walked Bucky and I to their front door and pointed out of the window, "Your ride for the night awaits you both! Have fun and try to not die or blow up anything... And I apologize about Fitz, he's pissed that we never got a chance to go to something like this."

"Tell him that he probably wouldn't want to go to my reunion because my school sucked and I know that something really... _fun_ is going to happen." I gave her a small hug and hopped into the passenger side that Bucky was waiting with the door open for me. Even though he had never been to Y/H/T before, or at least I think, Bucky drove around town in our Lexus as if he had confidence in every street that he turned down until we reached his destination in mind, my state's famous fast food restaurant. I almost cried while eating my food because I forgot how much I truly loved my home but I wanted to get out of the place as soon as possible because 1) I was extremely overdressed and 2) I didn't want someone to recognize me at the moment. We barely finished half our food before I realized that I was talking to Bucky about my childhood so much that it was quarter to seven, so we took off in our vehicle and reached my school about ten minutes before the doors opened. 

As soon as we pulled up, I saw the line of people who put me through excruciating amounts of stress and homicidal thoughts but knew I had a good thirty minutes before we actually had to enter the building.

Bucky stuck one of my guns in the space between the waistband of his slacks and his bare skin, and took a couple of knives and secured them onto his metal arm with a black band; Those were the only three devices that he deemed worthy for this mission, while I still had all of my weapons that I picked out hours earlier. We decided that our plan would include mingling with my old schoolmates until one of us noticed something suspicious, we'd get 'suited' up, kick some Hydra ass, figure out why they're at my reunion, and then make a swift escape before people notice (hopefully).

As we walked, I swallowed a breath just as Bucky laced his fingers with mine, claiming that it was for theatrical effect, but I could feel his pulse racing faster than my own. We pushed the doors open to hear music bouncing off the concrete walls and raspy voices bragging about their current state in their lives. Time seemed to slow with every step and every glance that I took, remembering the familiar faces which burdened me with emotions of all sorts. I knew that I looked different from my senior yearbook photo, but I didn't think that conversations about who I am would develop. I wanted to get out of the property but I had a duty to protect these people from Hydra so I strutted over to the group of people I was proud to call my friends.

I crept behind Y/B/F and rested my elbow on her shoulder, causing the circle of companions to collectively shout, "Holy shit, Y/N!" and suffocate me in hugs. They all haven't seen me for almost ten years so my appearance developed another round of _"Holy shit, Y/N!"_ 's, causing me to blush until I matched the color of my dress.

We spent a good hour and a half chatting about our careers and who we've all become; two of my friends became figures in the music industry, my sister developed into an internationally recognized photographer while my other friend taught art classes to anyone and everyone, one of my male pals was an assistant coach for the Patriots while another developed into an engineer (he was valedictorian, if you couldn't tell). I kept my actual employment a secret and told everyone that I was a fitness trainer in New York and that's how I met my handicapped-yet-robust "boyfriend". My friends bought the well-developed lie and congratulated Bucky on roping a girl like me in, because I only dated one guy in high school and we all know how great that turned out. 

While conversations kept bubbling like the champagne in our glasses, I honed my attention in on a group of well built dudes who kept looking in my direction and talking in their terribly hidden ear pieces. I used the excuse of how I wanted to show Bucky around the school but I dragged him over to a hidden area where no cameras or people would see us pull out our weapons.

"Buck, they're definitely plotting something in the gymnasium..." I explained as I fidgeted with the vest underneath my gown, making sure that it would actually help save my life if I needed it.

He tossed a smile in my direction and hummed, "Then I guess we'll be heading that way. Any idea what it could be?"

"Not really, but with the looks that those guys were giving me, I know it's not good at all."

"It's _Hydra_ we're talking about," Bucky tore his left sleeve off so that he didn't have to worry about the material getting snatched between the bionic crevices of his shoulder. "They always have something fun planned for us."

I chuckled as I ripped the slash in my dress higher, so that it almost reached my hip and gave me more flexibility to kick, strangle and run. As seconds of devising passed, trepidation made its way into my stomach and made me realize that I could end up fucking this whole mission up just because my old acquaintances are here. I remembered though that I'm no longer seventeen years old and afraid to follow my instincts. On the other side of the wall our backs were against, I heard the breathing of a male who wasn't properly trained to be a Hydra officiant so I finished sliding on my gloves and then pulled off my heels.

I looked over to Bucky who probably had an idea to what was about to go down, but he smiled in my face and whispered, "Let's go, Y/S/M." 

I pressed the button on my right glove that held one of my heels, whipped around the corner and, as my hand crackled with the excitement of electricity, shoved the steel-based shoe into the man's chest. Attacking the man with a puncture wound to the sternum _and_ electrocution brought him to the linoleum floor but I finished him with a swift kick to the chest. While that went on, Bucky took on another man with a simple windmill motion of his arm and contact with his combatant's jaw, knocking him out instantly. I bolted from the first man and wrapped my arms around a Hydra agent's neck then ran along the wall until I pushed his head through the wall as Bucky stabbed a man in the thigh, covering the guy's mouth so no one heard him scream. Violence flooded the hallway but bullets weren't shot because no one wants to be discovered, so us two S.H.I.E.L.D. agents kept battling the five heads of Hydra that uncharacteristically dropped down to only two with easy battle tactics. Bucky nudged towards me to run into the gymnasium to see if anything is wrong so I slid in between the legs of the first lanky Hydra member I've seen, chucked a knife from my thigh holster into his windpipe and bolted towards the building I had only been in at most eight times because of assemblies.

I slowed my pace as I noticed a figure about a hundred feet in front of me. My focus would have remained on him if I didn't realize that there was a giant bomb that had only five minutes left on it before it would explode, so I paged Bucky and set a timer on my bracelet until the school would explode.

"Pull the fire alarm and get everyone out and far away from the building as possible," I spoke only loud enough for Bucky to understand but so that the man couldn't hear me at all. "There's a bomb in here and it's gonna go off in t minus four minutes and thirty seconds."

He slammed the final man he was battling into the wall and groaned as he flipped the switch, " _God dammit, Y/N, why do you have to be right about everything_ _?_ "

I cut him off by cursing at him and muttering, "Stop being an asshole and save the lives of my friends for me, please?"

" _I'm going, I'm going, Y/L/N..._ " Bucky huffed right before he stated, " _Just make sure you make it out alive, too. Stay safe._ "

Bucky's voice echoed through out the hall as he yelled to all my ex-classmates to get the hell out of the building because there's something dangerous in the field house and to follow him 'before they all blew up into chunks'. I brushed off his stupidity and marched over to the silent man, prepared to fight him and possibly lose my life.

"Who are you?" I asked the man with an undertone of anger laced within my words as I pushed his shoulder in order to get a reaction out of him. "Turn around and tell me, you coward!"

But the rabbit was pulled out of my hat.

Brandon's eyes were slits on his face as he laughed in my emotionally unavailable face, playing the best prank on someone who hated anything that had to do with the enemies of my heroes. His charcoal suit was paired with a venom green tie and his hair was slicked back into a faux-hawk, making himself the perfect minion of the Hydra dress code. I didn't believe that he was truly evil throughout our separated years, but I guess I was wrong about something for once. He placed a hand on my cheek as he bragged, "I'd bet all the money in my pockets right now that you're surprised."

"Congratulations, you get to keep the ten dollars you have for lunch money." I spat and backed away from him as he pressed his tongue into his cheek. I couldn't think of anything else to say to the man except for 'Fuck You' about a million times but I stuck to my poker face.

"I see you're still quite the joker but we should probably fight now and chat later." He sighed as the time on the clock dropped down to three minutes. We ran towards each other, mimicking our first battle with him swinging as I ducked and hit him in the jaw with all of my strength _plus_ an extra 45,000 Volts. As Brandon stumbled backwards, I whipped out my guns and pointed them at his shuttering frame. He has never been the one to laugh in the face of death so I wasn't surprised when his eyes widened out of fear as he spoke, "Good to see that you still stand for what you believe in, sad to know that you won't be joining me on my way out of here, Y/N." 

Brandon struck me in the gut with the heel of his right shoe before he quickly bolted to the doors in the back of the gymnasium where some more Hydra agents met him. I recollected myself and shot at the other men first, hitting them both in their Adam's apples and I raised my firearms again as I strutted towards his body standing in front of the door frames. Brandon didn't move an inch as I released two more bullets, one hitting him in the chest and another in the lower abdomen. He fell into the rusted steel doorway and breathed out, "Good luck getting out of here alive. _Hail Hydra_." 

I looked at the timer and saw there was only forty-five seconds before my high school would be a pile of rubble so I dropped my weapons and charged towards the location of my schoolmates. I stepped over the unconscious men on the ground and saw that I only had a couple hundred feet until I was out of the building.

" _Y/N, where the hell are you and what the hell are you doing?! I'm going to go in there if-_ " Bucky shouted at me as I continued to make my way to the doors. I knew that he was probably expecting me to be dead already but, to his surprise, I cut him off as I yelled right back at him.

"There's only thirty seconds left so stay where you are!" I forgot about my aching lungs as I reached the outside world with just seconds to spare, but everyone was located in the farthest corner of the parking lot. Aware of my dire situation, I made a decision that could have ended up with me exposing Bucky and I's covers or becoming a human torch but, with all the adrenaline in my system, neither of those options were in my mind. Using all of the energy left in my body, I continued to sprint as I threw my newest and favorite device towards the top of a lamppost and prayed that my aim was as good as it was in my Y/F/S days. It attached itself right in the middle of the side of the light and pulled me into the air as I swung away from the building behind me milliseconds before it detonated. Pieces of debris were scattered as I flew along the fires in the sky, anger of finding out why Brandon's been following me and happiness of not dying because of him flowing through my veins as I stared at the people below me. I pressed the button to disengage the magnet when I became increasingly closer to my friends and landed right in Bucky's arms as he ran to catch me. 

"Jesus fucking Christ, you scared me, you dumbass." He enclosed me in a hug and, before I could apologize, growled, "Don't you _ever_ do anything like that again or I will kill you before _you_ do."

A very familiar and very perturbed voice came from the crowd as Y/B/F yelled, "I agree, but first, what the shit just happened?!"

Both Bucky and I tried to laugh off the very awkward situation of over a thousand twenty-somethings staring at us, looking for an explanation as to why our school blew up and why I was swinging through the sky like Spider-Man, but all I could muster up was my old CIA identity card and a simple answer: "I swear, it's not what it looks like."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AND ROLL CREDITS!!! jk we still got five more chapters 
> 
> i was literally planning that chapter for months so i hope that it's as good as i intended it to be haha 
> 
> and, just so you all know, the next few chapters will be kinda like fillers (but not exactly because they're still really fun in my opinion) so just stick around until the really crazy stuff starts to happen bc that's when this story will start to pick up more than it already has 
> 
> hasta luego, my dudes!


	11. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song of the Chapter: MAX- Lights Down Low (Not Your Dope Remix)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi once again fellas! i'm so sorry that i was gone for so long once again but i have a legit excuse!! also, it's been over a year since this story's been out and i can't believe that there's so many of you that read it!! 
> 
> i'll talk a lot more at the end so for right now, sit back and relax and have some fun reading this kinda filler and kinda not chapter!! i've been dreaming about you guys reading this its so good
> 
> ...
> 
> Y/N = Your name.
> 
> Y/L/N = Your last name.
> 
> Y/H/T = Your hometown.
> 
> Y/H/S = Your home state.
> 
> idk if there's anything else zoinks

After a long three hours of repeating explanations regarding what happened to my now incinerated high school and then telling the authorities what had  _actually_  occurred, Bucky and I were finished being interrogated and drove back to Fitzsimmons's home. I could see that he was still slightly pissed off at me for what had happened back there and he wasn't hiding it: His human hand was white-knuckling the steering wheel and, if I said anything, there was a big chance that he would go off because of the glare plastered on his face.

But I decided to break the unbearable silence regardless.

"I'm sorry about how I almost got myself blown up."

He looked over at the ashes that were painted across my face in gradients and sighed before pulling to the side of the interstate and putting on the hazard lights. Bucky chuckled before saying, "In my almost one hundred years of being on this planet, you are the  _only_ person who is probably more reckless yet selfless than Steven fuckin' Rogers, Y/N."

"Is that a compliment? Because I think it is." I cocked my eyebrow and smirked as he rolled his eyes.

" _Anyway_ , I'm not mad because that would be pointless." Bucky ran his fingers through his caramelized locks and continued with his no longer tirade, "Sorry, I'm just getting over the mind-numbing amount of worry that I had about you because that was probably the worst mission since Steve and I trying to get out of a burning Hydra building in '45... But you're my best friend right now, considering Steve's got Sam and Nat's with Clint, and even though we haven't known each other for long, you mean a lot to me. So, don't do something that stupid in front of me unless you know it'll work because I'd prefer to not have you die before I do."

"Well, I'm prone to doing stupid things like that so I'll always get into situations where you might have to save my ass once in a while," Bucky restarted the car and got us back onto the road as I spoke, thinking about how lucky I am to have a guy like him in my life. "But you're my best friend too so maybe we'll find a way where we can die at the same time. Like a suicide pact but with the universe."

Bucky snorted as we pulled up to the house, "You are officially the worst person ever."

"Y/N 'Y/C/N' Y/L/N: Leveled up!" I stumbled on the gravel driveway because of the unavoidable blisters that formed from my heels and clung onto Bucky's shoulder as we walked into our home for these last 12 hours. Both Fitz and Simmons were waiting for us on the couch, pulling the 'worried parents' trope that cracked us up.

Fitz was the quickest to react with by shooting up from his spot and screaming, "Jesus fucking Christ, you two are the dumbest agents I have ever encountered."

Bucky stifled a laugh and remarked, "Did Fury tell you?"

"No, because it's all over the bloody television!" Jemma reached towards Fitz but he ignored it and carried on, "You both are lucky that they put 'CIA Agents Save Lives in High School Reunion' instead of anything worse than that... Like 'Idiots of the Century'."

"What Fitz is forgetting to talk about is how lucky you are that no one was hurt and that the mission was a success in a way." Jemma hugged the two of us and scolded her husband with her eyes before making us change into lounge-wear and putting a kettle on.

Throughout the night, laughter was flowing in the air as we all told stories of old missions and fond memories. I swear on my life that I have never seen Bucky smile so much when he spoke about his time with Steve at war. He said that he couldn't remember a time when Cap wouldn't sacrifice his life for his country, even when they were just kids playing on playgrounds, pretending to be the soldiers they'd become later in life. Just seeing Bucky that happy made the three of us feel that it was the middle of 1945 and all that was good in the world was great. Hours were spent in the company of brand new friends until we decided that two in the morning was late enough when Jemma's tea cup shattered on the ground from her drifting in and out of consciousness. I had enough action in the past two days to let me sleep for a full eight hours so, as soon as I fell onto the bed, I could feel the exhaustion pulling me closer to slumber.

Bucky followed my actions to the T and nearly launched me onto the floor, which ended in his laughter that bounced off the walls waking the two of us up from our daze. Blue eyes met Y/E/C and led to us facing each other in a state of silence.

"These past few days..." I began to reminisce about the past until I realized that my sentence was finished before I began. Bucky hummed in agreement as we flopped on our backs, hanging our heads off opposite sides of the bed. The blood that rushed to my head brought forth emotions that I had pushed away and me, being the characteristically stubborn person I am, uncharacteristically succumbed to the truth. "Hey, can we talk?"

Bucky sat up instantly and spoke in the softest tone I've heard him use, "Yeah, of course. What's up?"

"I usually hold back emotions like a champ but... I never told you about what happened during the four minutes before the explosion and, right now, it's kind of killing me." His focus on me told me that I should continue so I swallowed the elephants stampeding in my stomach. "The man that was in the gymnasium was my ex-boyfriend, Brandon. He's a goddamn head of Hydra." 

"Holy shit."

"Yeah, a definite holy shit, but get this: he knew that I would become involved in, uh," I tilted my head over to my gloves and gun sitting on the nightstand. "This life."

"Did you ever talk to him about what you wanted to be when you grow up?" Bucky asked.

I sighed as I thought back to my freshman year of high school, "At first, I told him that I wanted to be a teacher but then I confronted him about my need to help people. But, c'mon, working for the CIA is a hell of a lot different than S.H.I.E.L.D."

"Understandable, but the real question is why is he a head of Hydra?"

"Maybe he had a friend introduce him? I don't know but what I do know is that he wasn't a Nazi piece of shit when we were together."

For someone who has only known me for a number of months, Bucky could read me like a book. It may also be because it's two in the morning and everyone is vulnerable in the midnight hours but he saw right through my façade, "You're heartbroken."

"How could someone so warm change into something so... cold?" The single tear that fell from my eye gathered light to the situation as I quickly wiped it away, my face hardening like freshly poured concrete, "We need to figure out why Hydra keeps on getting people close to me and stop that man immediately."

"Well, then let's get at least three hours of sleep so that we can survive off of two or three cups of coffee on our flight home and make it through a fun session with our lovely directors." Bucky smiled as we got underneath the covers but, before he shut his light off, sputtered out, "It'll be okay, Y/F/N."

"It better be, I'm not planning on letting my ex ruin my life-  _not_  in the metaphorical way."

He chuckled before mumbling, "G'night, doll."

"Uh...Good night, um, James?" My tongue fumbled with simple words before I turned onto my side and let my heart rate drop back down to its resting state. I always hated that simple phrases that could break my exterior walls so instead of confronting Bucky about what he had just said, I decided that sleep was ten times more important and shut my eyes,

My slumber was interrupted by Steve yelling at the two of us to 'wake up and save thousands of American lives'. At first I was in a panic because I believed that it really was him in the flesh but when Bucky's fist slammed on his phone, I remembered that he had asked Steve to record something obnoxious like that for an alarm. The two of us sluggishly started to pack up our belongings and straighten up the room so that everything looked the same as before. As Bucky finished moving all of luggage to the front room, Fitz walked into the kitchen and did that whistle that everyone uses to catch someone's attention. He looked down at the bags that were laying on the floor before he remarked in his heavy Scottish accent, "You two are lucky that I came out here. You would 'ave packed and then had to drag everythin' out of your car because we got a Quinjet down the road you weren't aware of."

"You know, for someone who most likely has Captain Obvious written on their resume, you do a shitty job of actually stating it." Bucky sighed as he looked at the timer that glowed on the microwave in front of us. "We would've missed our flight anyways."

Fitz lit up at the joke that was perfectly laid out in front of him and smirked, "Probably because you're a man that's  _literally_  out of time."

I rolled my eyes at the two men who started bickering and saw Jemma standing in the background, sipping on a mug with the Periodic Table on it. I smiled at her and she returned the favor by motioning me to come towards her. We knew it'd be a long time before we crossed paths again and, although we have known each for only three days, it instantly felt like more.

"Maybe we'll have to move to New York again; a nice, quiet flat. Upstate most likely." Jemma pondered, "That way we're much closer to S.H.I.E.L.D. and don't have to talk through comms all the time."

"You and Fitz could also help me out with some more scientific skills that I need to work on. Physics and chemistry helps me out a lot on the field." I said, pressing my back against the marble counter tops. Suddenly, it was abnormally quiet in the quaint household and that made no sense considering the four adults have more in common than a life of all work and no play. Bucky stared at me and I looked back at him, aware of the fact the sooner we left meant the sooner we would be home.

"Well, it's a shame you both have to leave, but I guess that's the life of living for S.H.I.E.L.D." Fitz handed Bucky the keys and gave him that one hug that all guys do when they want to say something meaningful but would rather not have the attention. "See you two around, I guess... And don't crash my jet or I'll have to track the two of you and kill ya myself."

We said our final goodbyes, moved all the bags into the car, and drove down the highway until we reached an abandoned warehouse that was much more than abandoned and much more than a warehouse. Some behind the scenes S.H.I.E.L.D. agents helped us prepare the jet and get out of my hometown without the mayor telling everyone that aliens are coming down from the sky. Bucky and I only had a thirty minute flight back home so there were only a few minutes of awkward silence before we remembered that we should 1) obviously tell the truth and 2) explain everything in detail and don't forget to mention that my ex-boyfriend is a head of Hydra and ran off with multiple bullets in his body to Fury and Coulson who are most likely waiting until we step off of this jet before they fire the two of us. Bucky set the Quinjet down on the dock outside of the Avengers Tower, clarifying with Thor that there wasn't a cloaked Quinjet waiting for us there to make a sandwich with it.

As the exit door slowly dropped down, Steve and Tony were there waiting for us, looking less than amused.

"I'm not an expert in reading body language but I can tell that you two are ready to pack your bags..." Tony walked forward in sync with Steve until they faced us directly. Our eyes met and we were met with walls for friends until the two men broke down into hysterics. "You should've seen your faces! You weren't showing any emotion at all!"

I rolled my eyes for the fortieth time in twenty-four hours and patted Tony on the back as my suitcase rolled behind me, "Can't show 'em if you don't have 'em."

That got Iron Man himself to stop in his tracks and freeze up before he started screaming about how that 'scientifically doesn't make sense', making Captain America fall to the floor clutching his stomach from laughter. The four of us strutted into the building as Fury and Coulson sat on the leather couches, both of them drumming their fingers on their mirrored crossed knees. Bucky and I walked into the debriefing room and sat patiently at the end of the table as the directors spoke outside of it, filing through papers and most likely thinking about how they should bring up my termination.

The two of them marched in and stood in front of us, boulders for faces. Papers were strewn out all over the table as Fury threw folders onto it, giving me a good idea of how happy he was about the whole mission. "The two of you knew that this mission was supposed to be easy and, yet, you managed to make it one of the  _most_  difficult to cover up. I had to call the governor of Y/H/S about twenty time in order to get through to his  _secretary_. I had to bribe the mayor and every damn department of Y/H/T to say that this was a gas leak and nothing more," Fury blew out a sigh and placed his hand on his head where his hair was on a permanent vacation, due to stress no doubt. "You two are the biggest pains in my ass, other than Mr. All-American and Tin Can. I swear that I can't have one mission that goes right but-"

I knew that I was the one that was probably in the most trouble so I decided to speak up and cut off the man who's large and in charge, "Uh, Fury, sir... Are James and I allowed to explain what completely happened during the mission? I can vouch that there was no way to defuse the-"

"Y/L/S, if you have let me  _finish_ ," Nick Fury rolled his one eye and grimaced as he spoke again, "You would have heard me say that you both did a good job. The tactics that you both used in order to take down those henchmen, the efficiency of moving from room to room without hesitation, and the games you played with your friends. Y/N, your interrogation skills were stronger than they have been before and your use of the newest weapon that Coulson here had designed for you was impeccable. Barnes, your skills saved the two of you from any evidence that could be left over and you saved over a thousand lives in the matter of minutes. The only issue that I had was-"

Coulson decided to butt in, "What he's trying to say is that you both are a great team together and we want to see more of your work in the future. Keep watch for your next mission."

"Can I ask one question?" Bucky said, "What was your one issue, Fury, sir?"

He chuckled as they left the room, "You only got two confirmed kills."

The two of us sat in silence until they were far enough that they couldn't here us, and then we jumped into each others arms out of the pure joy that neither of us got fired from the mess that the operation was. After the shock wore off, the two of us bolted upstairs because I remembered the German Shepherd puppy that's probably losing his mind right now because his parents left him with Bruce Banner for three days.

After twenty minutes of being attacked by Serge and asking Bruce all the questions a mom and dad would pester a babysitter with, we had some time to part from the chaos and relax. The only problem was that I couldn't. 

With my restless fidgeting on the couch, it was a matter of time until Bucky asked me if everything was alright and when I said that I was 'fine', he saw the truth.

"You're definitely still thinking about what happened. Y/N, you gotta stop beating yourself up about-" Bucky was about to say his very inspirational speech once again but I wasn't in the mood to play the Emotions Game.

"It's now the fact that he almost beat me, James. Do you know how hard it is to almost lose again to someone who you have been losing to for years?" I held my breath until I could think clearly again. "I need to be better. I need to get stronger, faster, and more dangerous than he already thinks I am."

"Well, you can just train more than you already do. Go for maybe three hours? Two's obviously a small number compared to the hours in a da-" The sarcasm dripping off of Bucky's tongue pissed me off more than it usually would and lead me to cut off the Winter Soldier in an instant.

"I need  _someone_ to train me, dumbass. I already know how to do everything I can at full capacity, I need someone who's like me but better." A lightbulb flickered on in my mind and I faced Bucky with a fire ablaze in my mind. "You."

He coughed out the beer that he began to swallow and Serge lurched back as Bucky caught his breath, "Oh no, no, no. No and no! Y/N, there's no way that I can train you. I've trained harder than anyone in the history of agents. Hell, Natalia barely made it out alive!"

"Bucky, I'm not talking about some type of Super Soldier training. I'm taking tactics, agility, all that stuff that you're a master of." I sunk back into the couch and draped my hands over my face. "You're the only one I trust enough to do this with."

He stayed silent for a good thirty seconds before muttering, "You are the worst. We start today with some sparring. If you win, it's obvious that you don't need my training and you'll ask someone else. If I win, we train four hours a day, whenever we aren't on a mission, on everything that'll help you become a more skilled agent, alright?"

I look into the oceans in his eyes and shake his right hand out in front of him. "Deal."

The two of us changed into our training gear and locked the doors to the sparring room (I swear, there's a room for everything in this building) so that no one could stop this from unfolding because we have a tiny rule that no one else can fight Super Soldiers other than Super Soldiers... and Natasha. We went over the normal rules that every Avenger sparring match uses: best two out of three, if you stay on the ground longer than seven seconds, that's a point for the other team, and no weapons unless specified. We began on opposite sides of the room, keeping eye contact to make sure no one moves before we started. Bucky pressed the button on the side of the wall to start the ten second countdown before the fight and, right as one was announced, one of my favorite training songs blasted through the speakers.

I glanced over to my current enemy and he stuck his arms up, "What? I thought that it would boost your confidence!" I ignored him as we charged towards each other.

Bucky swung first, Vibranium humming through the air as I ducked beneath it and jabbed my elbow into his back. He spun around and kept trying to punch a hole in my gut but I dodged every one of them until I stepped on his knee as he lunged and climbed up on him. I wrapped my legs around his neck and flipped backwards, trying to pull the Winter Soldier down with me but he balanced himself. Bucky tried to kick my legs out beneath me but I did an aerial around it, shoving my foot into his face. As I landed, I kneed him in the gut and then shoved him down on the boxing ring- like ground.

Bucky smiled as he wheezed out, "Zero to one."

There was no way that I could win this spar because I needed him to help train me. I needed him to help me become better. I needed him to  _help_  me. I blew out the air in my lungs and put on a more serious façade on and readjusted my gloves, "Get up, we need to finish this."

"Alright, doll. Your move." He fixed his stance and pushed his chestnut hair back, ready to 'win' this one. I bolted over to him and started some basic hand to hand. I knew that he was far better at it than I was, so if he started slacking on this, I would have actual proof that he is was faking. Like I predicted, with every punch and every kick, Bucky started to pull more and more, becoming sloppy with his technique. I decided to test it one last time and let him come at me full force by stopping all my movement. Bucky swung right at me and I didn't even budge as his left fist never collided with my jaw or even brushed my nose, pulling the final straw.

"You goddamn asshole! You're letting me win! Why can't you fucking fight me? For fuck's sake, James, why can't you fucking hit me?" I was shaking from the anger pent up inside of me, the emotions that brought me to this point. He broke eye contact , letting his wall crumble, as I started to push his chest in order to aggravate him, yet he never swung. "Hit me!  _Fight ME_!"

"I CAN'T!" His voice rose and then fell as Bucky's words broke into ones of pain and indignity. "I'm not hitting someone I care about for the hell of it, Y/N! With my damn arm, I can kill someone with a punch and I couldn't live with myself if that happened to be  _you_. I just couldn't."

I sighed as Bucky slumped his shoulders back and wrapped my arms around his torso. "I know that feeling, James, but you can't get rid of me that easily. That fear of death is what turns fighters into losers and I won't let that happen to me or to you. So, now, I need you to fight like you actually mean it... Starting now."

I didn't even get a chance to blink before he kicked my feet out from beneath me and held me down on the floor, giving him the same score as me.

"Now that's the Bucky Barnes that I want to fight with every day." I smirked and pushed myself up into the air to land on my feet to fight him one more time. Neither of us could drop our guard. When I would swing and hit him, Bucky would hit me back slightly harder; if he dodged my kick, I would dodge his, and we were equal. It went like this for about five minutes, some martial arts and other random moves that we learned along our ways made it onto the mat until, finally, Bucky landed a back kick to my stomach and knocked the wind out of me. I fell flat on my back and clutched my chest as I felt my breathing get harder.

"Y/N, are you okay?" Bucky held my face within his hands and began to panic even more as he hovered above me. "There's no way that I can lose you right now, that would karma coming to rip my ass off."  
  
My heartbeat was 'beginning' to feel as if it was taking one step forward and then two steps backwards as I latched onto his fingers and prepared to say my final words. I had to make them the most meaningful as any that anyone heard so I began with, "James, I-I... GOT YOU! Let's do this bitch!"

"I hate you." He looked straight at me and went dead-weight, which is ten times easier to crush my ribs than kicking me in the stomach. I tried shoving the 220-something pound man off of me but he wouldn't budge so I tickled him and, boy, if Hydra knew that two S.H.I.E.L.D. agents that are hunting them are ticklish, they would be bouncing off the walls right now. It became a full blown wrestling war between the two of us and suddenly I didn't really care about any of the issues currently going on in my always fucked up life. I was happy spending time with Bucky "The Guy I Have a Thing For and Care About the Most but Won't Ever Tell Him That Because It Would Ruin Everything" Barnes. Yeah, love that whole fucked up life thing a lot.

I couldn't see it but neither of us saw that Natasha Romanoff and Clint Barton were watching us from the viewing room up above, having a ball watching the new found 'couple' unfold in front of the  _original_  spy couple.

"I called this months ago," Clint wrapped his arms around Nat's waist and laid his chin on her shoulder. "I just need them to-"

"Just let them be kids, Clint. They won't have long before shit hits the fan and a war ensues." She hummed and looked down at the ground to see the two of us just lying there, not a care in our worlds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok hiiii so my computer that i use to write these on was broken ALL summer! also i had more lacrosse (LAX LIFE) and i actually got to hang out with my friends a ton AND i had AP homework so basically with all of that combined i really had time to write :( 
> 
> i also know that i was gone for a really long time so i made this a lil bit longer than usual and it's also to celebrate the fact that i've had this out for a year now *cue the confetti* i just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart! this story means so much to me and i have so much fun writing it so i just hope that you guys think of it as something really cool and not just a giant shitshow i spat out in my free time <3
> 
> BUT i got to brainstorm a lot so these last few chapters are gonna be HELLA good so make sure you're ready for them! 
> 
> anyway the mcu is getting super packed so maybe i can find a chance to squeeze in a few extra characters in here and make some interactions really fun!! 
> 
> sadly school started up again so my time to write will be limited but i hope to get these last few chapters out every couple of months :)
> 
> like always, hasta luego, my dudes!


	12. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song of the Chapter: Goosebumps- Travis Scott (Ft. Kendrick Lamar)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhhhhh i am the worst writer ever considering i keep telling y'all that i'll update soon even though that they're always like three months later 
> 
> \---
> 
> Y/N - Your name.
> 
> Y/L/N- Your last name.

For the next couple of weeks, Bucky trained me harder than any other coach could have: We went on five mile runs at four in the morning and, for every ten minutes we were late getting out of the building, he added a thousand feet to what we would end up with sprinting at the end; we trained for at least two hours each day (one hour sparring and the other basic gym workouts); ate only the most nutritional meals, and talked battle strategies almost all day. Once a week, he'd surprise me in the middle of the night with an attack but, after the first three, I could predict when he would strike and be ready. 

Your everyday person would think that it would be the worst two months of their life but I honestly loved every second of it because there was rarely even an hour that we were apart during the day and it was great to be gaining skills from one of the best assassins in the history of the world. He taught me ways to hide weapons for certain occasions and more tactics than I already knew, ones specifically for dealing with people bigger or stronger than me. 

We had decided that once he thought I was trained to my capacity, we would battle until one person overpowered the other. The rules were that we could use fake versions of our weapons (trading bullets for paint-balls and steel blades for plastic ones) and the fight would be over once either one of us is on the floor for more than seven seconds or moderately injured. Punches and kicks were allowed but any purposeful use of pressure points is counted as cheating. The two most professional agents in our building, such as Natasha and Clint, would be making sure that no one kills each other and that all the rules are followed to a T. The only issue I had with the whole thing is that I wouldn't know when Bucky would schedule the thing so I ended up spending four days waiting for one of our practices to turn into a battle ring.  

Until one afternoon, whilst training by myself, a sweet yet prolonged whistle of surprise flowed through the space behind me. Bucky was obviously standing there. Decked out in his basic gym clothes but with weapons hidden on his body, he and I both knew that it was time to put myself to the test. We moved ourselves to the center of the room where the sparring circle was and I pulled on my old pair of gloves as I waited until the tedious amount of rules fell from Bucky's naturally flushed lips. 

Now, I know what you're probably thinking: "If you aren't paying attention, you're gonna get your ass beat by a century old assassin in two seconds."

Funny thing is that I'm  _always_  paying attention.

As soon as I noticed Bucky shift his weight onto the balls of his feet, I ducked beneath his arm and stuck him with a roundhouse kick to the jaw. His balance began to falter on himself but I remembered that he plays weak at the beginning to wear his opponent out, so I quickly shuffled my feet backwards and braced for impact. His shoulders slammed into my abdomen as he tackled me to the ground, forcing us to wrestle in order to gain dominance in the situation. 

During the two minutes of us struggling against each other, neither of us were able to overpower the other so I listened to my gut and rolled far away from Bucky to gain my composure once more. He began to swing almost immediately after he stood up and I mirrored his motions, blocking or dodging every sixteen out of seventeen blows, as I started to put more gasoline in my fire with my hits to his body. It has been less than twenty minutes since we began our battle yet 1) neither of us has said a word to each other and 2) there is still no clear winner. The way that Bucky has trained me is almost identical to the training of an elite KGB member or a League of the Assassins; I don't want to jinx myself right now but the fact that I'm holding my weight fairly well against the Winter Soldier is more than impressive, in my honest and not at all biased opinion. Soon enough, with his hair haphazardly thrown up and clothes sticking to his pale, glowing skin, I felt the dreaded butterflies creep into my stomach where bruises would be more than apparent later. Me being the competitive asshole I am though, I took those stupid bugs and let them digest as I began to incorporate some training I did with Melinda May not too long ago. I broke into a sprint as I pulled myself through the air and my legs transformed into ropes, wrapping around Bucky's top half as I compelled his figure to the ground. For the second time during this fight, the two of us rolled around the floor, struggling for dominance. Our knuckles were blood stained and bruises started to form on various parts on our bodies; blisters began to break with every blow that landed on each other while grunts and groans fell from our mouths.

All of a sudden, Bucky towered above my frame with the goofiest look on his face. His Vibranium hand was placed next to my head and he laughed as he muttered, "Oh, you're so dead, Y/L/N."

"No," I growled as I pulled my gut in, "You are." 

With all the force in my body, I  brought my knees so high that they made contact with Bucky's chin. He instantly rolled onto his side as I staggered to my feet, spitting out a glob of saliva tainted by crimson. No matter what I tried to make myself feel, he was undeniably attractive in the most unbearable way; his all black get up, the sweat dripping down his body, and the seductive curl of his lip was starting to drive me crazy. He was so...imperfectly perfect and I was slowly falling for him. Yet I couldn't tell myself otherwise.

You, as the audience, are probably writhing in whatever seat you're in as I'm recollecting all of this. I too remember how I told myself a couple months ago that I wouldn't fall for him and am kicking myself in the head for having him in my thoughts almost 24/7. Like I said earlier, no matter how hard I try, I still want him-

Wait. 

I'm literally in a fight, trying to prove my so-called worthiness to my job, so why the hell am I thinking about my dumb crush on James Buchanan Barnes?

In the few seconds that I wasted on admiring James's beauty, he was already gaining up on me with his enhanced speed. With his crouched position, I knew exactly what he was planning to do; Bucky slid onto his knees and whipped out one of his plastic knives that looked almost too real. Deciding not to press my luck, I jumped into a somersault to dodge his blade and landed in what I call "Stealth Mode". I pulled our my own real knife that was strapped to my calf and jutted it out towards his throat, waiting to see if the fidelity of his fake one was true. At once, our blades rang with a metallic chime through the room, loud enough for Nat and Clint to hear.

"What a cheater!" Bucky exclaimed as we kept fencing each other with our seven inch swords, "I fear for my life!"

I rolled my eyes and swung at his chest, "You brought a real knife too, Mr. We're-Gonna-Play-It-Safe."

"All the more to never trust your opponent." He brought his blade around towards my neck and I l lurched backwards. The fact that we collectively spend minutes fighting each other doing the same thing is mind boggling, mostly because he has been doing this shit for longer than I've been alive. I knew that sooner or later, someone was going to lose so it was down to two decisions for me: 1) fight for another hour and a half or 2) try to kick his ass right now. 

I dropped my knife and kicked his out of his hand, letting them clang on the concrete floor. I curled my fists and started to go off. Feeling the bones in my hands begin to shatter with every jab towards his body and twisting my body into positions I never dreamt of, the butterflies that were once in my stomach transformed into dragons. Memories from my past poured into my mind and converted my current mess of emotions to blind savagery: the shift from admiration to contempt regarding Bucky cursed my mind with confusion as he landed some blows to my body. I began to hear Bucky object to the hits I continually landed on his, using all of his strength to grab onto me and try to stop my actions but, somehow, he could  _not_  overpower me. 

Using the last of my energy, I kicked the back of his knee in and let him drop into his chest, latching onto his arm so that I would possibly dislocate his shoulder as I pulled it against his back. A loud shout of pain bellowed from Bucky and, suddenly, I dropped to the floor beside Bucky and clutched onto my racing heart, regretting this whole decision to be a better warrior in the first place. We remained in our compromised positions for a few seconds until an alarm blared from the speakers above and the only two watching us came running from the platform above. 

"Holy shit!" Clint exclaimed, "Not to be rude, Barnacle Boy, but holy  _shit_ , Y/N, you beat the shit out of him!"

Natasha flashed a smile of mock jubilation as she agreed, "I haven't even seen Rogers rough him up like that."

"Well, congratulations, madam. You're officially a better warrior than a cybernetic assassin." Clint chuckled as he helped Bucky up. The guilt began to seep into my bones as I saw the physical state that I put him in: the blackened and battered condition of his face and visible body parts looked like the awful stage makeup that was used in high school plays. I pulled myself off the ground and gripped onto Natasha's shoulder for support, thankful for her homologous frame to mine. The two men split themselves up from us as they made their way into Bucky's room. I tried to get another look at my roommate's injuries but Clint slammed the door and I was pulled into my own bathroom. I didn't even want to look at myself before I could see the damage that I did to him. I huffed as Natasha pulled out the First Aid kit and started dabbing away at the dried blood on my face. 

She peered into my eyes and almost smiled as she spoke, "You did good, Y/N. You did what you had to do to win that fight,  _plus_  I've seen Barnes in much worse shape after a sparring session... I'm proud."

"That really means a lot, Nat... Still, it feels kind of wrong for me to do that much destruction to him." I winced at the burning sensation of hydrogen peroxide on my open wounds, and the sudden rush of emotions didn't feel all too well either. "It almost seems that he let me go ballistic on him."

Natasha pressed her index finger to her ear and shook her loose curls, "James definitely didn't let you win. He's actually proud at the fact that you won without any enhancements." She stitched up my cuts that needed to be and continued to wrap gauze around my hands as she began to tell her stories about her battle history with Bucky; how he hates to lose and how he only uses his full strength towards the end of the fight, both of which I already knew. I tried to keep my attention honed in on Natasha but I could hear Bucky's whining from the other room, which snatched my whole focus.

"God, I feel like shit-" He was running his hands through his hair as he grumbled, no doubt; it's his habit for almost every known human emotion. 

Clint bleated out before Bucky could finish his statement of self-pity, "Because she beat the shit out of you?"

The brunet broke into laughter, "Yeah, kinda. Also because I beat the shit out of her too... But she withstood all that shit. Fuckin' crazy."

"I can agree with you there, pal," Glasses clinked and the two of them chuckled, "Our girls are fuckin' crazy."

I heard Bucky choke on what was most likely whiskey. His Brooklyn accent was slurred due to his busted lip, the alcohol wouldn't even kick in until two or three bottles worth, "You think Y/N and I are together?"

Clint was silent for a moment. He most likely shrugged his shoulders before mentioning, "Sure seems like it, pal. Think about it- you two are the exact definition of opposites attract, even though you have a shit ton in common... She's sarcastic, kinda sexy, and an all-around mystery to us while you're  _almost_  good looking, always angry yet generous. It'd be a hell of a good match; almost as good as Nat and I's."

"Speaking of Nat and you, how are you two doing?" 

Bucky was blowing off Clint's presentation on our compatibility and I wasn't surprised, considering that was his main defense mechanism. The idea that Bucky neither confirmed not denied the possibility of getting together with me was mind-boggling, but it was also most likely due to the fact that he knows I can hear him and that he can hear me. I tried to clear my mind of what just fell from the two mouths next door by bringing my concentration back to what was around me. I realized I didn't miss much of Natasha's recollection of the Winter of 1992 so I just closed my eyes and let the needles and pain seep into my skin. 

Now, I wasn't aware that I had fallen asleep until I stared out at the horizon sketched outside my windows, swirls of darkness and stars danced together in the night sky. A blanket was sheathed over me while a cup of water, two blue aspirin pellets and a haphazardly written note were set upon my nightstand. 

_{ Hey_   _doll,_

_You fought well today. I'm proud of you_

_Take these & then go to the kitchen for some food I made_

_~ J.B.B. }_

I smiled until I realized my head was pounding so I quickly downed the pills and shuffled out of my door. A steaming pot of mac and cheese was sat upon the dormant burners while a chalice of white wine gleamed next to Bucky's whiskey. I decided that food can always be reheated so I sat myself right next to the slumbering man. The shift in weight on our couch slowly woke him up until Serge's frozen nose was pressed onto his cheek made him fully open his eyes. 

"Did you take some pasta yet?" He asked. "I don't know how it tastes or smells because my nose is currently broken."

I took a sip from my glass and hummed, "I'm in the same boat as you." It was silent between the two of us other than the most recent episode of the Walking Dead that played in the background. My mind knew that the shame I felt in my nerves wouldn't go away until I said something about the whole situation. "Hey, I just want to say that I'm sorry about everything that happened during our fight. It was all fine until I kind of lost my mind at the end; I used a tactic that May told me to use only in times of desperate measure, which it definitely was not and I feel like shit and-"

As a singular tear left a trail down my cheek, I noticed Bucky starting to sink into the couch. An unsteady breath pushed its way out of his lungs as he interrupted me, "Y/N, in my entire life, I have never fought someone like you and had them win. The fact that you are you, that you are entirely mortal is astonishing. I'm more than happy to lose to someone like you... Even if you cheated."

"Oh, don't  _even_. You brought your own blade, too!"

The two of us spent the rest of the night bickering as an old married couple would (don't get your hopes up that this is some crazy foreshadowing because it isn't). The conversation between Clint and Bucky started to make its reappearance in my brain. The logical part of myself knows that there's always a 50/50 chance that he could have the same feelings towards me; the emotional side thinks that no guy could ever love a girl like me. I just think it's funny how my first, uh, crush in almost eleven years happens to be my childhood dream. Coincidence, right? Every fragment that my mind gains relating to Bucky, I find more things within it to cherish about him: I want to hate him when he breaks my wall with the most captivating smile I've ever seen; I want to hate his sickeningly blue - full on Prince Charming, perfect, cloudless sky blue eyes; I want to hate him because he's the first thing I think about when I wake up, the last thing I think about before I fall asleep, and everything in between; I want to hate him because I want to love him.

Obviously, I can't cut off all communication and hop on the Nope Train to Nopeville. Really, all I can do is act like myself and pretend I don't fantasize about kissing him, holding his hand, and other shit I wish I could do. 

"Hey, daydreamer," Bucky waved his human hand in front of my eyes. "Whatcha thinking about?"

"I'm thinking that I could totally take on Steve now." I lied straight through my teeth.

He snorted, "Good luck trying to get through Sam."

Our laughs harmonized and bestowed vivacity to our beat-up selves, mine curled up and his spread out. For the remainder of the night, we kept stealing glances at each other to stare at the brutal contusions that would supposedly make us look ugly, yet it did the exact opposite of that, and pretended that we could stay awake for another hour until, finally, my eyes were too heavy to open back up around 0900. I knew that Bucky was still awake because the Vibranium arm everyone adores laid my head onto his somehow comfortable shoulder while Serge readjusted himself in between our laps. 

Looking back on the video camera that Tony forgot to mention that he installed, I wanted to smile at this blissful scene yet warn us of what will follow, as I'm fully aware that neither of us are prepared for what will happen in the next few months.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey fellas!
> 
> i am so SO sorry that it's been taking me so long to write these chapters! with the combination of school, work, and sports, it's very hard to write three-thousand word chapters every month :/ but, luckily, this is one of the last couple of chapters so that means that you won't have to wait until for like two years until this beast is finished!
> 
> there will be three more chapters left and the next one is kind of a filler so don't get too hyped up about it BUT the other two are gonna be so good and HELLA dramatic so i'm kind of expecting them to be at least more than the typical length!!! feelings will be exchanged, lots of fighting, and the typical Avengers shenanigans will be more than plentiful but, other than that, i will overestimate that chapter 12 will be here in around the usual wait time of a couple months 
> 
> as usual, hasta luego, my dudes!


	13. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song of the Chapter: Delicate- Taylor Swift

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey everyone i actually stuck to my promise by uploading a couple months later!!!!!! who's proud ;)
> 
> \---
> 
> Y/N = Your name.
> 
> Y/L/N = Your last name.
> 
> Y/C/N = Your code name.

From what I was last aware of, I should have known that Bucky and I would fall asleep on the couch, pressed up against each other and covered with our favorite blanket from Steve.

Suddenly, it was three in the morning when my heart jolted, tearing me apart from my sleep. Serge lifted his head from the floor and began to growl at the kitchen while I drew my gun from beneath the cushions. I heard Bucky groan and begin to question what the hell was happening at the exact moment as I turned the safety off and gave him my half-assed attempt of telling what was going on with my hands. As I gave us the count of three, we faced forward with our weapons in hand, Bucky's being a shoe, of course. 

Low and behold, our favorite pain-in-the-ass archer was caught trying to steal peanut butter and crackers from our pantry.

"What are you doing?!" Bucky hollered right before he hopped over the loveseat.

"Oh, shit. Sorry, Barnes Household. Nat says that peanuts are the gateway to death." Clint groaned, trying to shoo away Serge. "Can't a man have some peanut butter toast and live in peace? Apparently not."

"Your wife's probably sick of you ripping one and almost killing her in her sleep." I chuckled. 

" _Wife?!_ " The two men sputtered out.

"Of course," I shrugged while Clint glared at me, "Nat and I are basically the same person so of course I'd be able to get her to break down and tell me the juicy Avengers gossip, especially of the two of you. Oh, also, you didn't hear this from me, but Sam and Steve are together in a way that Uncle Sam would  _not_  want for the U.S Army."  

The three of us sat in silence for a few seconds until we broke out into laughter, one forged out of shock, happiness, and the fact that we all totally knew about Captain Falcon. How cute.

Bucky and I let him finish his food as we chatted for a couple more minutes until the realization that it was still three in the morning and sleep continues to be a necessity in our lives. Clint decided to leave before we kicked him out so, as soon as our front door shut, the two of us flipped onto our backs and sunk into our couch again. (Now, I know what you're thinking: 'Hey, you two are only friends and aren't dating so you could just go into your rooms now that you're both awake' but  _something_  in us must've stirred and decided that the logical way of handling things was stupid) Bucky was dead weight on the couch far before I was, as all I could focus on was the life that I could have had laid in front of me. A normal life with the man of my dreams, a beautiful dog, and an overwhelming amount of content flowing through my veins. The muffled snores coming from my right were music to my ears. It was my new dream that was only slightly out of reach. My heart rate was stable, yet the butterflies in my gut could not be contained. Outside of my control, I suddenly lost consciousness. The two of us were now back asleep in the same positions that we were in before, pressed up against each other and wrapped up in our favorite blanket from Steve.

It was seven once I was aware of the sun peeking out from the curtains and the smell of breakfast from behind me. I was by my lonesome on our couch as I stretched and wrapped Steve's incredible blanket around my shoulders, shuffling towards Bucky as he cooked; Scrambled eggs, sizzling bacon, golden brown hash browns, and French toast were piled on plates, and orange juice and chocolate milk were in their prospective jugs. Everything looked insanely delicious and I was borderline drooling.

"Oh my god, Buck. Thank you for the best morning since my 21st birthday." I stood, shocked, in my favorite pair of worn-down moccasins as I tried to steal a piece of toast. He lightly smacked my hand as he laughed at me. "Hey, what's the point of this though?"

"I just thought that since the both of us are usually gone on Sunday's and how we don't have a mission until later this week that it would be nice to have a day to ourselves." He shrugged as he placed two more slices of toast on the plate. "So, I made breakfast and an itinerary for the day! And you're welcome."

At that exact moment, I knew that was it: I had finally fallen in love with him. (Not actually, but you get it.)

"No need to be speechless, Friday helped out with the timing and the recipes because, out of my many skills, cooking's  _definitely_  not one of them." Bucky placed a mound of berries into a bowl and brought it over to our table where we forced each other to eat more than we did. Everything tasted as good as it looked.

After we basically licked our plates clean, we did the dishes together because, according to Mr. Barnes, "a duo always conquers battles better than one". He soon forced me to be ready in no later than an hour. I took a quick shower because the overwhelming combination of Bucky's cologne and Serge's constant wet dog smell acted as a major stink bomb with the help of my sweat. After my own personal karaoke session, I chose a pair of skinny jeans, a green knit sweater, black riding boots and, since it was late February in the middle of Manhattan, I threw on my favorite Steelers beanie and a puffer jacket. I finished my fashion-forward look with some concealer to cover my facial bruises, brow liner, and mascara to fix the places I was lacking in. Collecting my necessities and shoving them in a small purse, I walked out to our family room where Bucky was sat in a new black Henley and the rest of his normal, everyday outfit. It didn't even look like he tried but he still managed to look so damn good.

"You ready?" He grinned as we walked in-sync out of our home.

"So, what's the plan for today?" I asked, knowing full well what my answer would be.

"You really think I would spoil a surprise? I thought you knew better, Agent Y/L/N."

"It was worth a shot."

The two of us walked out to the main street in front of the Avengers building and I blindly walked beside the man who had my figurative heart. People passed along as if they had no idea who we were, Agent Y/C/N and the Winter Solider: Assassins at Large. It was reassuring but terrifying that no one knew us. It felt like we were normal civilians living their lives in New York.

All of a sudden, Bucky's right hand linked with mine. Heat started to come back to my unknowingly frigid fingers and my already rosy cheeks flushed a shade that matched the stop sign in front of us. We never said anything, other than the internal screaming from sixteen year-old me. I had no idea what the hell made him want to hold my hand but nothing inside of me could find something wrong about it. He stopped his feet in front of a quaint cafe named  _Dream Bean Café_ , hidden in plain sight. The two of us walked inside, still hand in hand, and I took in our surroundings. Fairy lights hung along the crown molding and vintage photographs were placed around the walls, while baby blue paint and eclectic furniture pieces that were never repeated added to the 'Welcome to the Family' atmosphere of the shop.

"How ya doin', Buck?" A brunet, sturdily built barista asked from behind a case of cakes and pastries. I assumed that the man who was  _still_  holding my hand was a casual in this coffeehouse. 

"I'm well, Matt. How are you? How's Avery and the kids?" He smiled and slowly unraveled our fingers so that he could shake the barista's hand. The welcoming scent of coffee floated in the air, usually making me crave a cup. The sun began to reflect off of one of the glass vases containing a variety of flowers and glittered on the opposite wall.

"They're great, I'm great. Hate that I'm gone all the time but what are you gonna do?" Matt chuckled until looked straight into my eyes. "Who's this lucky lady?"

Bucky wrapped his arm around my shoulder, "This is Y/N, we're... uh, co-workers."

Matt smirked as he took my hand in his, "I bet. Pleasure to meet ya."

The sides of my face turned red again as I greeted the man. Bucky nudged his head towards the menu as a means to say, "Get what you want." Two lattes, one mocha and one chai, and an hour long conversation later, Bucky dragged me out by my hand once towards the road once again.

Now, I am not a person who likes PDA. I prefer to walk side by side and joke around rather than hold hands and smother my significant other in kisses and shit. Save the "romance" for your private life and leave the details out for strangers and family members. But, hilariously enough, once Bucky and I linked our fingers together once more, the butterflies from earlier in the morning were back. It seemed as if God was trying to play a joke on me but, with every passing moment, I became more and more aware that I would do anything to be close to him. I fell for him. And there wasn't anything I could do about it. A part of me wanted to hold back and take control of the situation like it was a mission that went awry. Sadly, there's no way to effectively do that when emotions are involved. It's like a spy's version of kryptonite. All I can do at this point in time is pretend like everything is fine- when it is not- and convince myself that I only like Bucky as a friends and nothing more- which is false- and enjoy myself on one of my only days off. Making our way to downtown Brooklyn, we started to shop; Places like comic book stores and weapons shops were high on our list as we stopped in almost everyone that we passed. We bought matching Marvel beanies, just for the ironic humor of it all. Hours were spent wandering around and gave us a sense of living a normal life of a civilian. 

The funniest part about it all is that I could of lived like this: daily coffee shop runs, recreational shopping, no worrying about being assassinated on the daily, no worrying about losing loved ones...

A normal life. 

I don't want that, though. 

I could never. 

Normal is boring, as one says, and I don't think that I could bear to live a life like what my grandparents had. The two of them had been together for almost 75 years until they made their way to the land up above. They were my almost ideal interpretation of what true love should be like: weekly fights, blurred lines, and differing opinions mixed together with eternal bliss and everlasting adoration towards each other. They lived a simple life with each other and constantly made sacrifices for their children and each other. I thought that I would have a love like they did but that dream died about ten years ago with the birth of a new dream. Maybe someone like me doesn't deserve a happy ending with someone who cares for me. Bucky tugged on the sleeve of my sweater and began walking over to a park across the boulevard we were on. A bench surrounded by maple trees coated in blankets of snow was bare. The wood beneath us felt peculiarly warm considering how forbiddingly cold the weather shifted to in the past hour; It was the kind of atmosphere to force you to breathe into your hands, turning them clammy and uncomfortable with every attempt you made to bring heat to them. An instance like that turns itself into a giant metaphor regarding my own conflicting emotions and thoughts regarding what I should do with  _him_. Bucky was not fazed by the conflicting temperatures we were now surrounded by, as he embraced them with his whole being and took in the changes as if they were a person he adored. It was something I truly admired about him- his whole "go with the flow" attitude. It made the whole espionage act so much easier and the denying my feelings for him so much harder. The ex-assassin flashed a grin and seemed even brighter compared to his flushed cheeks, as he asked the obvious, "Are you alright?"

"Way more than that. Today's been incredible, Buck," I corrected and leaned against his Vibranium arm. "I promise."

He rolled his eyes and then looked into mine, "You know I can tell when you're one, lying, and, two, not okay, Y/N. Listen, I'm pretty sure I know what this is all about and I'm really sorry that I planned this whole thing without asking you-"

"What? The fact that you did all of this is mind-boggling to me. No one has ever done anything like this for me and I feel guilty that I didn't do anything for you. Something like this must've taken a lot of time and money and since you're kind of my only friend, I feel like I definitely don't deserve something as generous as this..."

I took a deep breath and was about two seconds away from breaking down and confessing my stupid crush on him, but thank the Lord above that he interrupted me.

"Y/N, you're not just my friend. You're  _my_  best friend. I would do anything for you, especially anything that could cheer you up. I know the past couple of weeks have been rough with the both of us working almost night and day as you trained but I felt that you and I both needed some time off to recuperate and just kind of relax and get stuff off our chests." Right now, I wanted his  _shirt_  to be off his chest and his lips to be on mine but it is a cruel world that I live in. Plus, I'm too much of a wuss to do anything like that. I could easily kick a man's ass but confront one about emotions? Impossible. "Y/N, you mean the world to me. Even Stevie's jealous of you and I've stuck by his side for around thirty-something years."

"I don't even know what to say... Thank you." Beaming as he wrapped his arm around my shoulders and placed a kiss on my forehead, I realized that, if I had to live the rest of my days in the friend-zone with Bucky Barnes, I would die happy and fulfilled with my life. "I bet  _Stevie_  loves that nickname, too."

He snickered, "Since 1926, baby."

We sat in each other's company, talking about what happened during our most recent missions before the training began and the lives of our other co-members, with no account of the time that was passing by or our immediate surroundings. A couple walking together had approached us, smiling wildly. Right before his wife slapped him on the arm for 'interrupting', the elderly man broke into our conversation, "Excuse us,"

"Oh dear, is this your bench? I'm so sorry tha-" I began to apologize.

The wife interjected, beaming as she spoke, "No, please don't get up. I'd just wanted to say that the two of you remind us of, well... Us."

Bucky and I were shocked and our lack of words showed it, "Wow, um..."

"Before you say anything, we didn't know if you were going steady or not but Darlene and I haven't seen two people so happy to be with each other since '65. We're terribly sorry if we interrupted the two of you during your day- We're just really happy that young folks, like you two, still have true love." The old man named Paul knotted his hands together with his beloved. "Here's some advice for you, in case you aren't with each other and I had just made a whole fool of myself: Love each other unconditionally, take risks, and don't lose each other. You two have something and maybe you haven't realized it quite yet."

We could barely get out our thank yous, due to the fact that we got love advice from a couple that thought we were a couple and that we were in love with each other. Luckily, they were partly right about the whole love thing but the fact that someone said something so incredibly beautiful and true makes me feel like the Watchers are real (like everything else) and are trying to make me defecate myself on a daily basis.

"So, that was..." Bucky began, running his hands through his locks as he does when he's feeling anything but anger.

"Interesting." I finished his thought for him and stood up from the bench. Snow began to fall from the sky and started to cover where I was once sat. It was even colder out now and the bitterness of the wind started to become even more nerving as Bucky took a stand beside me. "In a lovely, interesting type of way."

He stifled a nervous laugh and nudged his head towards the road home, "You wanna take a risk and walk back or would you rather lose each other in cabs and love it unconditionally?"

"You are a major asshole, Barnes. That poor couple poured their hearts out to us and you're cracking jokes." I began to walk away from him and started our trek to our home. Everything around us now reminded me with what Darlene and Paul said to us: The way the snow sprinkled down from a grey, clouded sky and placed itself on jacketed shoulders and frozen noses becomes something more than just beautiful.  _We_  had something according to them. Something. We were back now after a 15-minute walk back to the Tower with frozen nerves and warm hearts, fueled by a comfortable walk in complete silence. When we got up to our home, Bucky shook off all the snow that was stuck to his head and shut himself up inside his room. It was just Serge and I in the middle of the doorway, confused as to why someone who is usually so open to me decided to barricade himself from the two of us, especially without saying goodnight or anything of the sorts.

Serge let out a whine as his copper eyes begged me to let him see his dad and I sighed as I spoke to my dog, "We have something, buddy. James and I actually have something."

Something normal civilians have.

_Something_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm just gonna say that this was totally a filler, other than the fact that we got an even closer look into the main character's feelings for bucky! like i said in the last chapter, the next two chapters are going to be pretty jam packed with drama for almost all our beloved characters so be prepared for some awesome and awful stuff!
> 
> also, if the construction of this chapter is a bit different than what it was before, it's due to me trying to style it a bit differently :) so leave a comment below on if you like it, if don't like it, or if you honestly could care less!
> 
> thank you so much for your support and i'll hopefully see you guys soon!
> 
> as always, hasta luego, my dudes!!!


	14. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song of the Chapter: The Neighbourhood- Stuck With Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey everyone! i know that it's been forever but life as been hell lately and i was finally able to finish this chapter after months of having absolutely no time to write! yay!!!
> 
> \---
> 
> Y/N = Your name.  
> Y/L/N = Your last name.  
> Y/C/N = Your code name.

Days, weeks, and months passed by as things stayed the same in the Avengers Tower; the happy couples lived good lives (Natasha and Clint admitted to their marriage, Sam and Steve were caught making out on the security cameras so they were outed as well, and yadda, yadda, yadda...) while us sad, single people managed to survive each and every one of our days with the help of alcohol and ice cream, sometimes combined. The only thing happening in my life was that Bucky and I had several missions together, which tended to be quite successful, one of them happening right as I speak. 

Our current assignment was to track down a cluster of AIM secret buildings and get rid of them,  without making a gigantic scene like what had took place in my hometown. Bullets formed out of plasma flew through the air and were paired with genuine ammunition as the two of us hid in the corner below the window we had just crawled out of. The minions at the abandoned warehouse we sneaked our way into were testing out their recently created ray guns and were playing a game of Deathly Laser Tag, something I wasn't too interested in. I don't know how we tend to get stuck in these very child-like situations. Almost like the person controlling my life is trying to make it way more interesting than it already is. 

Anyways, the two of us had no idea what to do.

"Do you think we should wait until they blow this building up or what?" Bucky whispered to me and I had to swallow a giggle.

"I think Fury and Coulson would get pissed at us because we let that happen," I replied, wishing that this mission would end early like the last five had. "But it would make it a whole hell of a lot easier."

"We should probably do something. I say that we come in from the sides and take them out one by one."

"Yeah, and get killed? We should probably send one of us out as a distraction..." Bucky's eyes lit up before I could finish my sentence and I already knew what I was going to be forced to do. "Oh,  _hell_  no. I am not doing what you th-"

"Yes, you are! It's the best distraction in all of S.H.I.E.L.D. history." Bucky started to plead with his eyes and got down to his knees. "Please, Y/N."

I softly groaned, "You just want to see my cleavage."

"Sure, but I would also like to win so I'm gonna add some details." One barely zipped top later, he wasn't finished with my sultry look. Unbeknownst to me, Bucky had the perfect secret weapon for these horny AIM henchmen: A crimson lipstick was whipped out from his utility compartment in his belt because Nat left it in his possession after one of our joint missions. Using the reflection of his metal arm, I was forced to paint perfectly. While looking at the finished product on my face, Bucky tilted my head up and swiped his thumb from his human hand across my bottom lip. He held it there for two seconds before he brought it down towards my chin. The two of us turned away from each other and could barely speak out of embarrassment, but he sputtered, "There ya go, now it looks like you were hit in the face."

I wanted to say something along the lines of  _Maybe next time you could kiss me instead,_ but I could only choke out, "You... You could've just hit me."

The man cursed something beneath his breath and lightly pushed me away from him as a means to force me to get this whole shit-show done and over with. I tried to shake off the rush of emotions that were flowing through my body and act my way through this giant pain in the ass mission. While walking around the steel shelving Bucky and I were hidden behind, the goons in front of me stopped shooting their weapons at each other and dropped them to the floor, taking off their helmets to get a better look at me. They were now unarmed. Kaching.

"I don't suppose you boys could help a girl out. I'm a little hurt, my boyfriend hit me." I purred, clutching my shoulder and pouting my scarlet lips as I walked towards them. Deciding to play the part of a vixen, my breasts and every other provocative body part that a woman could have became influential to the success of this distraction. I was waiting to get a signal from my partner to show when he was ready to fight so I continued to lure the men in. 

One of the, I assumed, higher up men started to approach me, attempting to hide where a  _little_  bit of blood was surging to, "Ma'am, I really don't think that you should be in here; It's very dangerous for a lady like you."

Anger welled up in my gut as I forced a smile and crossed my arms, "You don't even know me... How do you know what a woman like me is like?"

"All I know is that beautiful girl like you shouldn't be in a place this,  _sweetheart_. You shouldn't be with a dude that hits ya, either," The man's Bronx accent was unbearable but pretending to be attracted to him was even harder. With every step that the two of us took towards each other, I begged for Bucky to finish setting up and shoot these sad sacks in their perverted heads. Luckily, my bracelet faintly whirred; an indication that it was go time.

"Oh, really? And what are you gonna do about it?" I cupped one of my hands on the man's fleshy jawline and we slowly leaned in towards each other. Right before our lips collided, I turned on the electricity in my hands and shoved my left fist into his groin. His knees buckled and he fell down to the ground, clutching his family jewels as I brought a knee to his face, snapping his nose into a grotesquerie and causing blood to flow. Bucky finally whirled around the corner and started firing his M4A1 at the men, taking three out of the nine out in the span of five seconds. Two of the henchmen came at me from the right and the left but, by ducking and letting the two of them pummel each other with their Adamantium clubs, I was easily in the clear. By the time I looked up, the rest of the AIM boys were down for the count and Bucky was reaching for my hand to pull me up. 

"And that's a sign for you to never call me...  _sweetheart_." I mocked the AIM guy's accent and chuckled as I love when misogynistic dudes get their asses kicked by me

"Well, that was easy." He chuckled, looking me up and down as I fixed myself, before he asked me, "Hey, were you actually going to kiss that guy?"

"Absolutely not, my lips are saved for one person and one person only," I turned around and headed into the belly of the beast. The unknown. Deciding to ignore Bucky's protests regarding who I was talking about, he caught up to me and we soon made our way into the depths of the abandoned building. The AIM agents that were attacking us had the bare minimum of combat training, making it quick and easy to defeat them. I mean, if I can knock out a guy wearing a bright yellow hazmat suit with one punch, there's something weird going on here. I conversed with Bucky about my concerns with this mission while I was kicking the ever-living shit out of the man in front of me and getting my emotional frustrations out on the poor AIM henchmen. After all of them were down and out, the two of us heard voices yelling from down the hall. As we quietly made our way over to the argument, I recognized one of the voices with no doubts about it. 

"You've got to be fucking kidding me," I swore under my breath as Bucky cocked an eyebrow. "It's  _him_."

"Whom?" He asked. I slapped his extremely muscular chest in order to get him to stop looking behind our backs and find out who I'm trying to get him to 'strongly dislike' as much as I do. The moderately muscular man was stood in front of the two of us, arms crossed against his woolen turtleneck that matched his entirely dark ensemble. As his body spun around, the same feeling that I got from laying my eyes on him a couple months ago. Our eyes couldn't meet because Bucky and I flung ourselves behind the wall slicked with chipped ivory. "Who the  _hell_  is that?"

Deep down, I wish that I could've been civil about this situation. Sometimes I tend to forget that I'm an ex-government agent who was illegally paid to assassinate people and that I now work for a  _secret_  government facility that I am technically not allowed to be a part of and those two things combined lead to a very uncivilized human being. So, instead of being a true to my family's wishes, I spoke my truth, "That's my asshole of an ex!"

"Hell's bells," Bucky cocked his gun and popped his neck. "I'm gonna fuckin' kill him."

"I'd like to see you try." My partner and I spun around, weapons pointed directly at Brandon's sinister pull on his lips as he put his hands up in mock fear. "Barnes. Y/L/N. The two of you make quite a pair."

I rolled my eyes and took a step closer to him, "Oh, shut it, would you? I'm trying to be the healthy one out of this breakup and shooting your ass would damper my image." 

"How many years has it been? Have you gotten no action that it's turned you into an absolute bit-" Brandon never got to finish his sentence because two fully loaded and automated guns were shoved against his body, one on his temple and the other facing into his heart. At this point in time, I was ready to just end the mission here and cry on the Quinjet ride home but my mom didn't raise a quitter or a bitch, so life goes on.

 "Why are you even here? By the way, I've heard great things about you, Mr. Hydra." Bucky sneered and kept direct eye contact with Brandon. The deep down of my guts, where the butterflies flourished, was extremely happy to have my current love interest reciprocate the animosity that made its bed and laid within my bones but it broke my heart to see the two men who had splinters of my heart embedded in their skin be against each other. The futile insanity that was making its course throughout my body was breaking down my endorphins and sparking forest fires in my nerves. I feared for Bucky because he's currently the man who resides in my heart but I feared for Brandon because I still didn't want to know what turned him into a loyal member of a Nazi organization. I feared for myself because, at one point in time or another, I loved them both and didn't want to hurt either of them, for reasons I'll never even understand. 

"You have? I'm very happy to hear about that- actually, my bosses will be glad to know! But, seriously, you think that I would tell you two S.H.I.E.L.D. agents what happened between Mr. Scientist Supreme and I? Highly unlikely. What I will let you know is that all hell on Earth will be going down in your life very, very soon and I can't wait to be caught in the middle of it. You of all people would know what stress and emotions do to a person, Y/N. Anyway, I have to run but good luck with her, Barnes, and I hope you both live long and happy lives together." He interwove his sardonic laughter with his turning of his head behind his shoulder as the man slowly backed away from us, leaving behind a henchman of his own. "Oh, and Hail Hydra."

Neither of us fired any bullets or tried to go after his figure that was no longer in our line of sight. We couldn't. The shock that was a parasite living within ourselves made this mission no longer worth the outcome of getting rid of these stupid AIM buildings. It wasn't worth the emotional toll that his presence would bring me or the future of pain that he'll be bringing to my team members and I. For once in my professional career, I didn't want to know what would happen next. 

Bucky and I looked over at the man in front of us as he cracked his knuckles and smiled, "Well, if it isn't Y/C/N and the Winter Sold-" Dude never got to finish his sentence because I knocked him out before he could see it coming.

Once we finished our business with the abandoned building and the remaining AIM guys who were firing at the Quinjet as we left, Bucky and I sat in silence. I didn't know what to say and, frankly, I was close to a breakdown so suppressing my words felt like the only logical choice. The jet landed after a short hour-long flight and I stormed inside as soon as I could. It was six o'clock so most of the Avengers were enjoying their dinner with each other and shouting their unanimous 'Welcome back! You're alive!' at me but I had too much on my mind to pretend to be happy with the mission and talk about it with them. As I took the stairs up to our floor in order to avoid conversation, I stopped when I heard Steve ask if the mission went well, just before Bucky sighed and uttered, "I fucking wish."

I spent two hours in the training room, letting all of my emotions out on the poor heavy bag hanging from the rafters. Trying to get all the anger and frustrations out on inanimate objects was a barbarous way of me dealing with not being able to live life without my past or my future coming to bite me in the ass. I'd rather deal with a giant purple titan that could kill me in the snap of his fingers than deal with my own personal drama. With every hook came an old memory from my past, every kick brought forth the new ones made with Bucky and the rest of my team, every ounce of energy that I used on the bag in front of me only made my fire burn hotter than before. I kept hitting. Harder, faster, and steadier than before. The skin on my knuckles was broken and letting the blood soak into the wraps around my hands but I never stopped. The burning sensation felt unbelievable with the torment in my mind, like a match made in Hell. I felt sick to my stomach but I still couldn't stop. My bones and muscles began to ache with every movement my body made and screamed at me, trying to make me think about what I was doing. I kept going on, landing blow after blow on the bag with all of my strength, and I would have if I didn't hold the air in my lungs while I was on a roll. As I stopped to catch my breath, I realized that the brand-new oxygen in my head was bringing awareness to the situation. Bruises on my legs were beginning to form and the adrenaline in my system was fading away, bringing forth the pain that was muffled with the help of it. As I peeled off my wraps and saw my reflection in my bathroom mirror, I realized that I no longer knew who that was. 

And, just as Brandon said, all hell broke loose after that. 

Soon enough, a loud conversation came from the floor below. As I listened, it seemed that every Avenger in the tower was in the room, butting in what seemed like an argument. Everyone but me. I slowly made my way down the steps, staying silent so I could hear and also not disrupt what was going on. The drywall that separated me from my teammates was thinner than a sheet of paper so I could finally understand every word that came from their mouths, and I didn't like them.

"I get that she is super talented, considering she can easily hold her own against a majority of us, but what makes her special? Please someone answer that for me." Tony's voice was filled with annoyance, clearly showing how whomever he's pinning against is pissing him off more than usual.

"Well, for instance, she's more than just a human being, she's a spy with a heart." Steve interjected.

"And what am I? Wow, Rogers, I'm hurt, especially considering I don't have a heart." Natasha was most likely smirking. "But, and I mean this in the best way possible, she's almost an exact carbon copy of me. Only difference is the Super-"

The tone of Steven Grant Rogers' voice changed into one of a military general's, an angry and tired tone that only came out when he was fighting, "You know I didn't mean it like that, Romanoff. Plus, I couldn't care less that one of you has a similar skill set as another- considering a couple of us are already like that. If you're on this team, that means  _you_  belong here until  _you_  decide. That should include Y/N."

This was the moment that I realized that a good chunk of my team didn't think that I belonged here and I couldn't tell if it hurt more or less that they waited until the night before my yearlong journey with them, the Avengers, to discuss this. I couldn't tell all of who wanted me to stay on the team but I'm fairly certain that I need more than half of the team to want me to stay and fight with them. Coulson and Fury leaving the decision up to them may be something that I'll never be able to forgive them for. 

"If I may interject, Captain Rogers, but she could be thought of as a child in this situation. Also, I've calculated the individual addition that Agent Y/L/N brings to our team and it is less than satisfactory compared to-" Vision piped up from the back of the room, giving the harsh truth that I really didn't want to face.

Wanda cut off her love interest, "You do know that I was technically a child when I joined the Avengers, Vis?"

"Well, you are far more powerful than any of us-" He continued to babble on until the Thunder from Down Under suppressed a laugh under his breath. After that, the group in the room began to argue even more and I couldn't take it anymore.

As I turned the corner, my old injury in my left knee began to throb, as it only does that when something really bad is about to happen. The room silenced and I stifled a cough, looking at the divided group of people in front of me. It seemed that everyone who was for me being booted from the team was one side and everyone on the other wanted me to stay. Kind of like Civil War all over again. The only peace of mind that I got was that the sides were split up evenly and Bucky was stood next to Steve, looking at me sorrowfully. 

"...How much did you hear?" Tony turned his head away from my line of sight and stared at Pepper from the other side. 

I choked down a sob, "Enough to know what some of you think of me."

Natasha tried to approach me, lending out a hand on my shoulder, "It's nothing personal, Y/N. It's purely work-"

I shoved her presence off of me and took in a deep breath in order to stop the tears, "You guys are my heroes, you know? The main reason why I decided to get involved with this career, other than just wanting to help people and to prove myself. I just find it so fucking funny... that my goddamn heroes are the ones who'd tell me that I'm not enough."

"It's not like that, Y/N-" Tony started but I shook my head.

"I wasn't finished. You guys are the people who tell children to fight for what they believe in and what they stand for, protecting the world and the people who live on it. Well, I stand for all the little boys and girls who looked up to you for their entire lives and wanted nothing more than to be a hero _just like you_. Now, I'm standing here listening to my half of my childhood idols say that I'm a carbon copy, only a human, and just basically useless.  _Newsflash_ , guys: I know all of that," I finally let a tear fall down my cheek and it burned. Everything hurt because I was silently screaming, suffocating with each breath I took as I held onto my pride. "I know that I'm almost exactly like Nat, and you know what? It's because she was the only decent female role model I had as a kid. I know that I'm human and you know what? I couldn't fucking care less; it means that I have emotions and that I'm an ordinary person doing extraordinary things. I know that I'm basically useless and you know what? It didn't fucking matter to me, at least it wouldn't have in the long run, because I was Y/N (A.K.A. Y/C/N) Y/L/N and I was working alongside the Avengers; saving lives and protecting the world and the people who live on it!"

The Avengers remained silent, although some had shocked expressions and tears in their eyes. No one spoke and I knew that it had come time for me to face my future, the one where I stood by my morals and lived the life I had before. 

"I'll have my things packed and moved out by tomorrow night. I understand why a good chunk of you guys don't want me here and I don't blame you... But it was an honor being a part of the Avengers and I'll never forget the time that I had here or the friends that I made. I love you guys. Keep saving the world for me." I laughed and smiled through the excruciating pain it took in order to say those words. "Plus, I guess it's a good thing I kept my old apartment. I knew this wouldn't last."

"Y/N, wait-" Natasha, Tony, and every other person on their side started to beg for me to stay but I brushed it off and walked my sorry ass all the way back up to my room. Some more yelling ensued, sounding a lot like Bucky cussing people out and Steve, Sam, and Thor having to restrain him from losing it. I slowly climbed all the way up the staircase as I ignored the yelling, stumbled into our living room, and began to cry with the force of a person vomiting on all fours after a night of heavy drinking in order to get rid of a memory. Clutching onto the shag rug that Bucky insisted we should have, I truly understood what it means to really lose everything. I kept sobbing because this was one of the worst pains I have even felt, the world falling down on me, and I couldn't do anything about it. Somehow, the emotional turmoil my heart had just been through must've damaged my nervous system as I never realized the two arms that were folded around me, pulling me into his chest and making everything that was to come tomorrow even harder.

"Please stay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so uh hey guys!
> 
> i know that it has been a HOT minute since i've been here! i'm so happy to have this chapter finally done because this highkey destroyed me and definitely did NOT help with my coping with infinity war :") but ant-man and the wasp is coming out in five days and i'm so excited and you should be too so please go out and see it to make everything better after iw!
> 
> but, as sad news continues, this is the second to last chapter of this story and i can't believe it! this story is also over two years old and i feel like i'm sending my kid off to college to be a badass haha. i'm gonna continue this super sad goodbye in the LAST CHAPTER :) 
> 
> so i'll see you guys in a couple of months where shit REALLY hits the fan ;)
> 
> as always, hasta luego, my dudes!


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